justtryingmybest
- Date posted
- 5y
limonelimone
- Date posted
- 5y
This is 100% an OCD thought and it’s taking over. I’ve had the same ones when I was 13-14. Honestly, even if you were that would not change who you are at all. But this is a classic sticky OCD thought. I used to have to picture myself kissing girls and imagine how I would feel and if I would like it. I always convinced myself that I might like it. When I was older I experimented a little and it was not for me. Don’t let this thought take control, right now your compulsion is trying to “solve” if you are or if you aren’t.
justtryingmybestjusttryingmy...
- Date posted
- 5y
it’s like i’m constantly playing a game of tug o war. one side is me and the other side are these stupid thoughts using EVERYTHING i feel, see, have done, etc to convince me that i’m gay. every little thing is being used against me. things i did when i was super duper little and things i did not that long ago. everything is now all the sudden proof that i’m gay. and that scares the living crap out of me.
limonelimone
- Date posted
- 5y
The other side you describe is your OCD in disguise as “you being gay”. The more you analyze your thoughts, feelings, and past, the more it will twist it into “evidence”. I remember having these obsessions so vividly when I was in my early teens. I’m in my 30s now & married to a wonderful man. If I could go back in time the best advice I think I would tell myself then is something like “ok, so even if you are gay/bi - then what? What’s the big deal?”. There really wouldn’t have been one. I’m definitely NOT saying you are, just trying to put things into perspective in the big picture. This reminds me so much of me that I can really empathize. You will not find a solution by over analyzing in your head. Allow yourself to take a break from these thoughts, they will still be there tomorrow if you choose to revisit them. I know it’s hard to do, but when I’ve managed to do it in the past, by the break from obsessing takes power from your OCD. Sometimes you don’t need to revisit thoughts because after time they seem less important.
justtryingmybestjusttryingmy...
- Date posted
- 5y
yes!! it’s so scary ugh. we got this!! ?
limonelimone
- Date posted
- 5y
Your OCD knows all that and is using it against you. My therapist in the past said often OCD presents you with an obsession that is the opposite of how you are. Some of your “worst case scenarios” get used as fuel for obsessions because that’s what will make you anxious and feed the OCD. Why would it ever give you a good obsession, or something that wouldn’t make you uncomfortable. It’s a smart disorder. Try to embrace the uncertainty, just for a little while. It will starve the OCD and make it less powerful. You can do this.
ranchdoritos88ranchdoritos88
- Date posted
- 5y
@ocdsucks. I don't want to give reassurance or anything. But I went through that. Where I hardly felt attraction to men. It really and truly is because you are stressing about it. You're mind is convincing you of that. You're suppressing your true attractions. When you get to a point where you overcome these thoughts and feelings and aren't worried about it, I'd bet that your attractions for men would come back. I know, it did for me. This is all a product of anxiety. Anxiety can do so many things. Hang in there. Are you in therapy or doing any self help therapy at home, on any meds? @sophiaa I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't know where I stand sometimes when it comes to homosexuality/bisexuality as far as my faith is concerned. Having these worries has actually made me sympathize with the lgbt community.
justtryingmybestjusttryingmy...
- Date posted
- 5y
completely. it’s so unfair. i know that this is all my brain and it’s not true but i still cant help but doubt everything and anything. literally the simplest things. it sucks
justtryingmybestjusttryingmy...
- Date posted
- 5y
it makes everything seem so real. everything she’s saying that she felt before she realized she was bi is what i felt/feel. she was always attracted to guys and so was i. she always just thought girls were pretty and was never really attracted to them,,,so do i. this is making me go crazyyyy because what if that means i am???
ranchdoritos88ranchdoritos88
- Date posted
- 5y
I'm right there with ya. You are not alone. I'm 31 and happily married to an amazing man. I too, worry "what if I'm bi?" I read some coming out stories and watched videos too. I'm just like you. I only ever liked guys. And still do. But my mind plays tricks on me. Tonight. I really just accepted the possibility. I don't HAVE to identify that way. But there's no way for me to be 100 percent certain. It is definitely hard. I think if I'm bi, then I would be a very straight leaning bi :) I'm also a Christian, so reconciling these thoughts with my faith is hard as well. I can see that this type of OCD is very common. Hang in there and stay strong.
ocdsucksbuttocdsucksbutt
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh no. I hate those, such an anxiety spike ??♀️
ocdsucksbuttocdsucksbutt
- Date posted
- 5y
But continue to watch, you’re doing exposure!:)
ocdsucksbuttocdsucksbutt
- Date posted
- 5y
that was great advice, as someone who relates to all of this that made me certainly look at things a little different. my thoughts always go haywire, remain calm, or just numb and it’s a weird cycle but I just try to tell myself it’s ocd and get past my day. One problem is I don’t find guys attractive anymore no matter what. And it makes me feel so depressed to a bad point. I start to feel asexual, or I start to pick out bad features in guys, my mind convinces me “you’d enjoy it a lot better with girls.” Or “girls have that feature way better.” And sometimes when I see a couple kiss, I find it gross. I just want to be able to be straight again:/
justtryingmybestjusttryingmy...
- Date posted
- 5y
i’m also christian and that is a huge anxiety factor for me—my family. i’m so afraid of all this because my family doesn’t necessarily approve of that kind of stuff. i’ve heard the things they say and how my family reacts to anything regarding homosexuality and it scares me so much because if i were to be gay they would hate me. they wouldn’t support me or love me, and i feel like i would be such an outcast. it’s all so scary to think about if it is true. especially if there are so many things that my brain is twisting into “evidence”
chasingwellness chasingwelln...
- Date posted
- 5y
All of your comments made me feel better but also I have so many questions, specially for the ones who improved and recovered, did your thoughts ever become so real that even if you didn’t want it and knew you didn’t want it your brain told you “you do, this is actually what you want” and made you think “okay yeah I’m in denial it can’t be ocd” ??? Because when I’m in my worst moments that happens
Related posts
Mt2019
- Date posted
- 17w
Question about HOCD
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
geodrimilis
- Date posted
- 11w
Hocd is literally a clown in my head.
Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.
anonymous123...
- Date posted
- 9w
soocd elle warren
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
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