18+ please help if you can

Ok sorry this is kinda a quick post just desperate for help. Any advice anyone who can provide some help or advice. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and suicidal at the moment so writing this isn’t easy, I’m struggling to find the words to describe how I’m feeling right now, so I’m just gonna lay it out as it is. Although I haven’t been formally diagnosed with ocd I have allot and I mean allot of the symptoms. My life and mental state is horrible and it’s hard. Ur I try and get get by with the good things in my life. Sorry I’m not here for a pity party or sob story. I know you all are better and have enough to worry about. Basically I had a friend who was 14 and I met when I was 17. We talked for a few months and while we where pretty chill out conversations sometimes involved more suggestive things. Talking as teenagers do. However as I was getting close to being 18 I knew I had to stop this out of morals and my own judgement. So I did. Or so I thought, I’m my opinion what i said here was wrong and my ocd if I even have it is telling me I’m a creep and some monster who deserves to die and suffer. Basically now I was at the time 18 we where playing Truth and dare. Classic party game for boring nights. And I asked what there best pickup line was. I responded to there’s with “aha that was funny” and moved on. I just feel the dare I said was sexual or inappropriate to ask them. And I feel horrible so horrible I can’t even begin to explain it. I feel hopeless and I’m slowly losing grip of myself. I don’t wanna seem like I’m begging or asking for reassurance but any semblance of hope would help. Or advice honestly I would be great full for both. Thank you for reading whoever you are and i hope ur day is going better than mine.

I got into porn when I was around 14 or 15 I think and it just got very bad for a few years and I have a lot of guilt and worry for the things that I saw and touched myself to. I came across some bad things. I stopped all of that but I can’t get over the guilt from my teenage years. It bothers me all day long and disrupts my sleep now too. It leaks into my dreams. I just woke up from a dream related to that probably because I worry all day. Life is not enjoyable anymore all I do is worry in my head and say affirmations to try to make myself feel better. Right now I’m worried about so many things but specifically I’m worried what if someone I saw in a video was way younger? I remember being on xvideos as a teen and wanting to imagine myself with other people my age and I know I’m worried what if I watched something on there where the people were younger??? I think I remember putting teens in the search bar and it scares me because even though I was a teen myself I feel like that is wrong now and I’m worried about what I may have watched. I’m giving up on myself more everyday. I know I have zero attraction to minors and I know back then as a teenager I was not attracted to anyone anyone not around my age but I worry so much about things I watched and came across. I wish I had never watched porn as a teenager it has ruined my life and it haunts me every day. And also horrible fan fiction stories and other stories people wrote online that haunt me too. I’m worried I can’t ever recover or find help and I feel like I’m going to go to jail or end up k1lling myself one day because I can’t deal with it. I worry when I’m not crying or having too much anxiety I feel like I need to constantly be in distress and I am not allowed to enjoy anything or have anything. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore accept just sit and worry and feel myself I hate myself. I feel ashamed to be around my family and anytime they do anything for me my brain goes “they don’t know they’re hugging a monster” “they don’t know they’re supporting a monster” and I just can’t take it. I want to find joy in life again. I would do anything just to be a normal person and not have had any of this happen and not have these worries. I feel like a mess every day I look so gross and I feel so gross and I feel like nobody can help me. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like it’s too late and like I’ve ruined myself and I just don’t feel good about the future. I feel like I am going to get sent away and that will hurt my family or end myself eventually and that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt my family or anyone. I question how I could have ever been that person and what was wrong with me. I keep thinking back to things that happened before I was a teenager and I’m like does that count as trauma or something? Could this be why?? But also I don’t want to make excuses or feel like I’m pushing the blame onto someone else. I am the only one at fault. I’m sorry I keep writing these long posts I’m just not in a good place mentally. I feel like I am really sick in the head or something and I’m starting to fear maybe I have always been that way. I just want so desperately to be good. I don’t want anything other than to be a normal good healthy minded person and be here to support my family and others. I don’t care about myself succeeding in anything other than getting better, I just want to support my family in succeeding in whatever they want. I don’t want money or anything for myself. I have more than I deserve. I just want to get better. I pray but I don’t feel like I can be forgiven

For the last three years I’ve been dealing with OCD, I’ve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now I’m not sure if it’s POCD or if it’s real. I’ve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore, I think I’ve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, I’ve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I haven’t gone back because they told me they couldn’t be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that won’t begin until two weeks later. I’m F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, that’s what I’ve told myself. I couldn’t believe that I myself am a monster, I can’t cope with this…I don’t know what to do, when you’ve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as “proof” I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die. The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, “what if you sought someone younger and don’t remember” I do remember I’d encounter kids on there but I’d skip them, sometimes I’d warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. I’ve been dealing with this constant “what if what if” for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but there’s this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I don’t care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if I’ve done something I don’t remember, I’m scared to face that monster I’ve thought myself to be for so long.