I'm so confused

I know reassurance isn't the way, ERP is... but I just can't help it anymore. Everywhere I look I see "proof" or "signs" of my "true sexuality" or the fact that I'm not actually het, but a late-bloomer queer woman. I know there's no way to be 100 percent sure, but I can't help but think of the destruction that will result in my bf's life if that were to be the case. Tbh, this theme has been looming over me for a while. It showed up once when i was 11 with a female classmate that i admired. Then, when i first started dating my current partner he told me a story about his best friend dating a girl who ended up "wasting his time" and breaking up due to wanting to experiment with the same sex. The caused IMMENSE anxiety. At that time, I was only about 20. But, I saw a spike starting March 15, 2022 when I encountered a masculine woman at my job. All I realized was "wow, that person has a nice eye color", yet here I am a year later STILL trying to proce/disapprove if I have attraction to the same sex. ANY woman I come across (relatives, random women, feminine, masculine, young and old) are IMMEDIATELY sexualized! It's INCREDIBLY distressing! Day and night, I'm bombarded with images or thoughts about va*inas, and doing out of character sexual acts with random women. I have a long history of liking, pining, crushing (and for once, actually falling in love) with men. I LOVVVEEE my partner. There has never been anyone more genuinely good for me! I also made the mistake of going to two gay male friends of mine at the beginning of all this. They both said something along similar lines: That they too thought they liked the "oppposite" sex, but later realized that this was just them conditioning themselves to feel this way. They actually liked the same sex but repressed it for personal reasons. One even laughed and said he thinks I'm going through the same thing as him, to either have an open relationship with my bf, experiment, or break up. All these options go against who I am and WHAT I genuinely want and value. Yet, somehow these conversations have stuck with me throughout all this. I've been in ERP for a while now... I've seen slow and steady progress. But more relapses, periods of confusion and depression more than anything. This makes me think that I was misdiagnosed with OCD and somehow lied or was not given the appropriate diagnosis. I know, it sounds unreasonable given my history, yet I still can't stop dwelling on the what ifs.... If someone can relate, please reach out. 🙏 My heart YEARNS to get engaged to my partner lately, get married eventually, and have a few kids. I hate that ocd tries to erase and contradict everything I've ever wanted....

Acekid128

Date posted: 2y ago

Hi1 SO-OCD sufferer here!! I don;t know if you are officialy diagnosed or not (if you're not, it donesnt mean you dont hvae it), but i feel you, a whole lot! Pure-O is very hard to deal with, and i have the exact same experience. i could look at any type of woman and get anxiety spikes and intrusive feelings and sensations, which suck because it feels like i've been faking my heterosexuality my entire life (even thought thats a lie). im not officialy diagnosed, but A LOT of what pure-o sufferes had said and felt, I HAVE FELT TOO!! During teh summer of 2022 was when i figured out i had Pure-O, it took me a while to figure it out because i never doubted my sexuality, until i got these intrusive thoughts and feelings, which tells me its OCD. I and on what you said about your gay friends, DON"T COMPARE YOURSELF TO THEM!!! They were most likely going through Internalized homophobia, and i highly doubt YOU are homophobic, because people wiht SO-OCD (i hope at least) Are not homophobic, which proves you arent going through internalized homophobia. I did the same thing that you did: Seeking reassurance from LGBT people, mostly on quora (which was a big mistake), which made my OCD even WORSE! You enevr questioned yourself until this neurodevelopmental disorder took place, so dont believe anything it tells you. i know it feels real, but if it didn't we wouldn't be having this convo, would we? I suggest to look at books and other people who can spot the tricks OCD pulls on you to make you doubt yourself. Remeber these things after reading this: 1) You have Pure-O; enugh said 2) If you really were Lesbian, you would know; you would know somethings off if you really were, since you would not be romantically or sexually interested in men. YOU HAVE A WHOLE BF FOR GOD SAKE!! look at your reality around you and stop listening to your thoughts and feelings!, they have been hijacked by Pure-O so it can confuse you even further. 3) Be carfull of what you read, hear, and see online; we are in a time were people will say they are ANYTHING for attention, people lie all the time, and maybe the THINK they are late bloomers because of something else, you never know, so dont take things at face value. 4) Look for sources that help you pin down the trick OCD uses agianst you to kep you stuck, anyone who was actually exploring their sexuality would not need to be anxious and need reassurance RIGHT NOW, they would let it run its course. I hope this helps!!:)

BREKO

Date posted: 2y ago

I relate to this a lot!

Lavander

Date posted: 2y ago

Saaame thing for me. With pornography and masturbation on top of it. I remember being 13, walking with two friends after school. We were talking about sexuality, and one of them said about me: she's straight. This one definitely likes men. I was, on one hand, relieved, on the other, wondering if I'm just faking it. Last year I was doing a bit better with this theme and I developed a big crush on a guy, who corresponded my feelings and we started dating in January. And then the doubts resurfaced, what if I'm faking it? What if I'm using him? Am I attracted to him? Do I want to breakup? These thoughts hurt me so much, it makes me feel terrible. My boyfriend is a real sweetheart and I always think he deserves better than someone who thinks these thoughts.

allyocd

Date posted: 18w ago

can SO-OCD do this?

im having a unusually hard flare up for two months. ive never had it this bad before (ive had this on and off for many years - thank god not constantly.) lately, i keep having these images in my head and scenarios in my head of me "coming out" in the future and ending my relationship with my amazing fiance who i love dearly. he knows everything but i still feel like i am constantly lying to him, my family, and friends. i need to know that this is something the SO-OCD can do to you? the weird thing is, is that i have never been attracted to woman. i do admire their beauty and wish to LOOK like them or have a specific feature they have, but i dont have any urges to like be with them yet i am dealing with this really bad flare up. My brain keeps telling me that since i have never tried it, i would never know, and i am just getting really distressed from it. i just want to be happy again and it seems impossible. I am convinced i am only person that is using SO-OCD as an excuse. Any guidance or advice, or anything really, will help. i just feel alone and scared and sad all the time.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Ellie.

Date posted: 16w ago

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w ago

Pls I need advice

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

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I'm so confused

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