olivianb

Date posted: 2y

My Suicidal OCD Story

Hi everyone, My name is Olivia. I’m a 27 y/o female with two little ones. I found this community by searching YouTube for reassurance on this topic (as I know us OCD peeps often do lol). So I have struggled with anxiety and OCD most of my life, but this past year the OCD side has been quite intense… I had my little girl in April of last year, so I think it might have to do with postpartum. Anyways, my husband and I bought a home almost two years ago - the home was perfect for us; it had a pool, 2400 sq ft, a large detached workshop, and sat on a beautiful 3-acre lot in the country. Two weeks before closing, we got a call from our realtor that the seller (single, elderly woman) had passed away and the daughter no longer wanted to sell (we were under contract already so we hired a lawyer and won). After that whole mess, we later found out that the woman had taken her life inside of our bedroom with a gun. This was not disclosed to us, as we live in a “Buyer Beware” state. We did know that it was a suicide, but were actually lied to by their lawyer and told that it happened off of the property. Ever since I found out about what really happened, I have developed a complete case of “Suicidal OCD”. It is so bad and I am so scared that I will get to a point where I will act on these horrible fears and intrusive thoughts. I think about it so much throughout the day that I am just mentally exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I am seeing a therapist weekly where we are working on CBT, but I know these things take time. I wish I could just get rid of these terrifying thoughts. Am I the only one?

Shannis

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I also have suicidal ocd and can relate. It was very debilitating for me at first. I still have some bad days but since starting ERP therapy, they’re slowly getting better. Self-compassion, mindfulness and understanding that these thoughts are intrusive help also.

artsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Shannis How many sessions in are you ?

Shannis

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@artsygirl I’m 3 months in and do sessions once a week.

artsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Shannis Do you have fewer thoughts ?

Shannis

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@artsygirl I wouldn’t necessarily say fewer but the anxiety around them is definitely not as intense and doesn’t last as long. I’m able to let them be and go about my day more now. I’d say they don’t bother me as much.

artsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Shannis Do you feel like depression has subsided ?

Shannis

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@artsygirl Yes, but my depression was mild.

artsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I have suicidal ocd and this would be extremely triggering for me. It’s triggering just reading about it. I feel and understand the pain and depression that comes along with this and that ocd makes you feel like you are incapable. These are thoughts and we can sit with these. Please please get into ERP with NOCD and also keep your therapist on this side for cbt. That is what I am doing.

Christy123

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I have struggled with this theme as well. Its so hard. Im sorry youre going through it. You arent crazy — try as much as you can not to engage with the thoughts. Practice exposures and not reacting to them. When those thoughts come up for me, I just say “Yeah, definitely OCD” and let them pass. It takes practice but that theme has subsided greatly for me now. It can for you too ❤️ hugs

olivianb

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Thank you so much and hugs to you! What did you do as your own “exposure” therapy? I feel hopeless about treatment because I don’t know how exactly to expose myself to it

Christy123

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@olivianb I am not a therapist — but you can repeat the word “suicide” over and over or create a script about it/what scares you. You can just repeat it over and over until the anxiety comes down. Just remember the response piece — its crucial to just sit with the anxiety and not do anything about it.

RandomOCDGuy

Date posted: 2y

I have struggled really bad with Suicidal OCD and I even had to spend days hospitalized for suicidal ideation for it. I learned it was OCD and that helped but not entirely. I still get suicidal ocd thoughts and they don’t give me anxiety anymore. Sometimes they do and I feel like I’m actually gonna do it and I let myself feel all the emotions and thoughts and not push them away. It really helps

olivianb

Date posted: 2y

@Winchester2004 I have spent time in the hospital too. When I was there, I said “wait a second. I’m terrified of suicide. I am not suicidal”. That helped for a while, but it’s still pretty bad. Do you take medication for OCD?

artsygirl

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@olivianb What ERP responses do you use

olivianb

Date posted: 2y

@artsygirl I have not started ERP yet but am looking forward to doing so, as that seems to be the golden standard from everything I’ve read and heard

RandomOCDGuy

Date posted: 2y

I hope you can do some ERP for it

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I have this theme and it started for me postpartum (my nurse told me she had bad anxiety after having her baby and tried to commit suicide) totally triggered me and those first months were really hard. I’m about 4 months postpartum and just started therapy and I can already tell a difference. ERP works! You can get through this momma! We can do it together for our babies

olivianb

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Wow! I can definitely see how that triggered you. I would have felt the exact same way. Especially because I know I have had anxiety my whole life and I am a hypochondriac and take on other people’s stories/symptoms. Thank you so much for your sweet comment ❤️ what does ERP for this theme look like?

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd tips

so I need to get back into ERP, but it’s so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mind’s like yup make sure it’s clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that that’s why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. It’s so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? It’s hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I don’t know many people with this exact theme. It’s such a scary feeling. And I’m constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if it’s just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just don’t know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.

cows12465

Date posted: 24w

suic. ocd advice?

AnonymityK

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w

When OCD Took Over My Life

Have you ever had a thought so unsettling it stopped you in your tracks? That’s how postpartum OCD started for me, triggered by my grandfather’s passing. After he died, a terrifying question popped into my head—What if I’m not a good person? From that moment, I became afraid of my own thoughts. When I had my daughter, a new fear took over: What if I could hurt her? I avoided being alone with her and constantly sought reassurance, but nothing eased the panic—until I found NOCD and realized I had OCD. Therapy was terrifying, but learning to face my fears instead of running from them changed everything. One day, when I was alone with my daughter, the thoughts came, and I simply responded, Maybe I could. Maybe I couldn’t, and moved on. That’s when I knew I was getting better. OCD no longer controls my life—and if you’re struggling, know that recovery is possible. I’ll be live on the app around 6:00 PM CT answering any questions, so ask away!"

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My Suicidal OCD Story

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