I put things off because it's the only way I can allow myself to imperfectly complete a task. I can just say, I ran out of time and it's good enough even though I hate 'good enough'. I feel like because life is imperfect, I'll never finish something to my standard, which makes me really angry.
Ooof, did you read my journal? I feel this way a lot too. My therapist asked me to identify the thoughts/fears under each level (what is really the deep deep fear that’s driving this perfectionism). For example: 1. What about not reaching my standard makes me feel angry? 2. Why does it make me feel angry? 3. What would it mean about me if I can’t do things perfectly and life is imperfect? 4. What would believing that (the answer to question 3) is TRUE make me feel (like what is the anger concealing)? For me it was a more vulnerable emotion (and I usually hate acknowledging the vulnerable emotions! 😅 probably bc early on I was taught those weren’t “perfect.”) 5. If _____ about me was true: what would that mean? What would be the worst possible outcome of that? 6. Rinse and repeat until you get to the deepest truth that the perfectionism OCD is trying to protect you from. For me, the perfectionism was/has been trying to protect me from feeling unlovable/unworthy … and ultimately, I realized that I’ve been thinking that if I didn’t do things perfectly then basically I wouldn’t deserve to be alive. Maybe for you it’s something different, but… I think anger is usually concealing a more vulnerable emotion that we try to ignore/push down. No judgment here, just what I’ve seen/read. I’m still working through squashing/shrinking the power of the OCD by confronting those fears and not responding/giving in to the compulsions I try to do to make myself feel “safe.” Idk if that makes sense, but the best of luck to you. I think you’re really brave for reaching out and being vulnerable on this platform. 🫶🏻
100% this! I forget that anger is a secondary emotion and can be used as a protective device to feel less vulnerable. For me, I grew up around severe and overbearing adults. I would hear them talk badly about and belittle others for making mistakes. So, naturally, I tried my best to be perfect because I didn't want to suffer humiliation or be outcast from my family.
@Anonymous I’m glad that resonated with you! 🙃 #TeamVulnerability 😁 Ooooh that info about your upbringing makes a lot of sense. I got something similar from my dad and the organized religion we practiced. I’m learning that some of the messages I took in as child haven’t actually helped to be perfect (and actually just beat me up when I’m even the smallest bit off from perfect). It’s weird, but … I’m trying to do things a little bit “imperfectly” and then just letting myself feel the discomfort from it not being “right” and then…. Doing nothing to correct or resolve it. 😅 it’s part of the exposure response prevention training… and it’s a bit freeing (although a little uncomfortable at times). Best of luck to you as you strive to find what is going to work and be helpful for you. (P.S idk if you’ve gotten a therapist through NOCD, but mine has been really helpful so far and if you’re interested I’ll share her name.)
@RebeccaG I have a therapist scheduled in April. I currently feel shut down. Like, nothing is worth doing. It's really depressing, but I feel hopeful.
@Anonymous I hear you. That’s really tough to feel like that. I’m glad you have some hope though. It’s really brave of you to reach out for help and start moving towards getting some support for your struggles with OCD. What is helping you while you’re in this waiting time? Do you have any big or small things that are helping you while you wait?
@RebeccaG Nothing other than trying to reason with myself, which is hot or miss.
@RebeccaG I also feel like there is a drabness to life when I settle for imperfection, so life tends to bore me and feels very gray.
@Anonymous That sounds really tough. I hope you can try a few things to help you: even if that process itself might be hit or miss. For example: Maybe try some type of craft/hobby 🤷🏼♀️ I personally like the diamond-dotz or “diamond painting” things bc I can get them on Amazon for like $12 or so… and there’s such a clear way to do it I just have to follow the instructions and then end up with something decent to look at when I’m done. Another idea: maybe try getting outside a little bit each day, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes longer than normal. Being in nature is a really strong help for me when I feel super down and don’t want to move/do anything bc I feel so crappy. Or, maybe try and find examples in nature/art (w/e you want) where things are imperfect, but you can still enjoy them. For example: trees that grow kind of crooked or otherwise in some way your mind thinks is “imperfect,” animals that walk weird/with some type of abnormality, someone’s smiles/face that is not 100% symmetrical. Basically just something that can ground you and remind you that flawed is still beautiful/deserving. Something that helps me to accept that imperfection doesn’t make life less special is to remember how often predators try and catch something for food, but end up missing and then the gazelle (or whatever) ends up getting away. Yeah, maybe they “failed” that time, but they don’t seem any less majestic for it. Sometimes things just don’t go the way we’d like. 🤷🏼♀️ Also, for me, my hatred towards imperfection is really covering up some of my more vulnerable thoughts and fears. For example, deep down, my perfectionism is a defensive response to my fear of being unlovable/unworthy, and hidden even deeper was actually the thought that if I’m not perfect then maybe im not deserving to be alive. I wonder if it might be helpful for you to try and identify what the underlying beliefs are that are driving your thoughts/actions related to your perfectionism. It might be something totally different from mine, but being really honest with yourself might help you get a little clarity. Another idea: maybe squeeze an ice cube when you’re feeling down/distressed. For me the pain/pressure can help pull my out of my head and into my body/the present moment… it’s something that won’t harm me, but something that helps me release the frustration and tension I’m feeling. And if all of these ideas sound like trash to you (completely A-okay!) then maybe you can make your own list or system to see what types of i harmful things lift your mood: even if just for a time.
@RebeccaG *types of not-harmful things*
Perfectionism is so hard. ERP therapy can help. It did for me.
I'm glad to hear that. I really hope it will help.
I don’t procrastinate doing things, but I do certain things in a perfect way. I still worry afterwards if I did things right?
I never heard about people with OCD who have messy living conditions. Maybe this is why it took so long to accept my diagnosis. Although I really dont like how OCD is percieved at by the majority of people, I feel like Im weird or something because I dont fit into that stereotype. I understand that a lot of people with OCD have this issue, but why do I feel so different? If anybody else has/had this belief, what helps with feeling more comfortable? Everytime my mom points out my room, and how its messy- Its like I feel so lazy and useless. So then I often plan out everything I was going to do, step by step, always having a reasoning behind everything, because logic always comforts me. When I start tidying up my room, I go full out (Sheets, Laundry, Clorox, Candles, Vaccuming, Then I start going through the guinea pigs cage to rearranging all of their stuff) Yet always somewhere after doing a few things, I start feeling disgusting and almost shameful of myself. 99% of the time I end up laying on my floor sobbing, noting every little thing about my room. How my furiniture doesnt match, how i would rather have solid floor like hardwood or vinyl instead of the carpet, usually things i cant change… and then barely anything gets done in my room. I start to have a meltdown and often dont take care of myself even more afterwards. A piece of me feels like my thoughts are just me being a spoiled brat and wanting everything i dont have- meanwhile others dont even have a roof over their head. The other piece of me is just tired, just emotionally exaughsted. Please comment any thoughts or recomendations to maybe improve motovation and attitude towards doing long tasks.
Lately I have been engaging is a very vicious mental cycle of not being as productive as I wanted to at work, worrying my boss with notice and get mad at me or fire me, and then feeling like I have to “figure out” how to “fix myself” and be more productive. I come up with detailed elaborate plans and lists for everything I need to do and fix to be a good person. I have a lot of negative thoughts that are very distressing to me and basically I am a horrible person if I don’t “fix myself” via making these plans. For me, oddly, it’s not about doing the things, it’s about making the list. I do research on how to be more productive and have this need to make the perfect plan that will solve my problems. And then once I make the list I feel better (temporarily, of course). All of the mental energy put into the researching and planning is so draining that it begins to negatively impact my work… and the cycle continues!!! I feel like this is not a “normal” obsession or intrusive thought that people with OCD have, so I guess I am trying to figure out if it could be OCD? This is a very consistent thing I have been experiencing since probably around 8th grade?? So 5+ years now. It’s always the never feeling like I’m good enough and then the compulsory planning until I felt like I had a good enough plan to fix myself. Thanks in advance!! Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I suspect I have OCD/Pure O or OCPD and many people in my life agree. Obviously this is not my only reason for thinking I have OCD lol
My perfectionism OCD has me looking for the inevitable flaws in people, and when I find those flaws, I distance myself. This only leads to loneliness and isolation, which brings its own set of emotions. I’m doing this to myself and hurts.
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