Please I need help

Today is my birthday and I'm feeling like throwing up from this anxiety. This is tmi and I talk about masturbation, if anyone is sensitive to that. For me, everything related to my sexuality has always carried negative feelings. This is a bit tmi, but when younger I used to masturbate to the feeling of anxiety. When a bit older, I used to masturbate to seeing a photo of women holding hands and thinking: "if you do this, then you're a lesbian". This led to pornography, which has always carried the same negative tone. Being with a man has always been my dream. Having a stable home, a loving husband, being a devoted wife, a good mother. I've had crushes, I've written down lists of what to look for in a guy. I've had hocd for a while, since 2019, but last year I was doing so well that I developed a crush on a man who's now my boyfriend. I was the one who liked him first, and he corresponded my feelings. He's the sweetest man I've ever met, he's just so loving. He adores me too. I'm serious about this guy. When we got intimate, I responded to his touch, but I couldn't come. We're in a long distance relationship and he's away, but until now, even alone, I can only have an orgasm if I'm thinking about being with a woman, and what this might mean about me. I hate it. Deeply. I'm broken. I don't want to be with a woman, I've never liked the idea, but what if this is nothing but internalized homophobia? This makes me want to die. When I was doing better, last year, I didn't think much about this. I thought I was straight, but maybe bi. I didn't care very much about it. I was feeling good. What's going on?? :(