Help, distance from bf and now I think he’s terrib

I am having the absolute worst week. My anxiety is so bad, I can’t think straight. I haven’t had a moment of calm for days and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve had what I think is intense ROCD/RA for about three years now, and it is getting so difficult to tell if all the issues I see are just in my head or if there is actually something wrong with my relationship. We’ve been together for five years and the first two years were lovely. I had some fears and doubts, but I felt very happy with my partner. We were together 24/7 and always had fun with each other. Then we started to spend a bit less time together and ROCD or whatever this is hit me really hard. I started worrying that he didn’t love me anymore, and that I didn’t love him and I did a lot of feeling checking and other things that I have figured out are common ROCD symptoms. Flash forward to now, I still feel like we don’t spend enough time together, and I get super upset by little things like if he has positioned his body so that it is pointing straight forward instead of towards me. I know I have an anxious attachment style and I am finding it so difficult to figure out what are reasonable concerns and what are things that I need to learn to be okey with because they are actually healthy and normal. The longer ROCD has gone on, the harder it has gotten. Two months ago I felt super in love and was actually feeling like I was in recovery. Then I went away for a work trip for a week and I had a lot of fun and was very busy so I didn’t have time to miss him and after I got home my ROCD exploded again. I have been wondering why I don’t feel that excited when I’m at home and do we still have fun together and lots of thoughts like that. Of course, I know that my ROCD gets in the way of our relationship being as good as it can be, and my partner has had health issues since the past few years that make him very tired which also doesn’t help. He is super sweet and funny and caring and smart but I keep finding faults. I also keep wishing that when he was tired he wanted to cuddle with me or something, because that’s what I want when I’m tired, and I don’t know if that’s a reasonable thing or if it’s just that people need different things when they aren’t feeling well. Right now I am super triggered and my mind is pretty much completely sure that I need to break up with him and that my anxiety comes from uprooting my life and needing to have difficult conversations rather than from actually wanting to stay in the relationship. I am so confused and I can’t sleep because I keep waking up with anxious thoughts and I keep waiting for signs that all is good between us but even when I get them my brain explains them away. I should also add that during the weekend I was at a work party and was harassed by a manager, so I think that has contributed to my spike. Also, we are at my parents place for the next ten days now and that also usually triggers my ROCD. My anxiety is so high that I can’t eat properly, which just makes the cycle worse as well. I know this is a lot, and I know seeking for reassurance is not the right thing to do. I just needed to get some things out of my head because it has been spinning for so long. And if anyone has any advice on how I should cope that would be amazing.

I thought I could handle going onto instagram but turns out I cant. I saw a few posts that triggered my ROCD (but felt like real concerns) - you’re incompatible if you don’t share the same future vision, if they’re not ready for what you’re ready for, and they don’t communicate like you or have the same values. All hot spots for my ROCD. I made the mistake of not doing ERP, and then spiraling with my boyfriend who is traveling for work the next 3 weeks and doesn’t have time to talk on the phone since he works 14 hours then crashes and wakes up again to do it again. I’m spiraling. I hate myself and now I’m spiraling that he’s going to break up with me.

I am honestly feeling terrified and here’s why… My partner is currently in New York with his family and while that is more than okay, I feel anxious. It has nothing to do with him being there but instead it has everything to do with me. I play this game online and came across someone. I started playing with them, we played for about six hours. I am not sure if it’s because this person is a guy but I have this fear that I will cheat or leave my partner even when that is the last thing I want. I thought about never playing with this person again but I enjoy playing with them. I just can’t stand the intrusive thoughts my mind creates about this person. I have no clue how this person even looks, I don’t know why my mind is playing these tricks on me and causing me these intense feelings of anxiety. Help?