I need to actually start living

I am struggling with living and trying to function in a normal life. I am married, have a great house, no children but three dogs who are everything to me, and work part time while finishing my doctorate degree. I struggle with obsessing that something terrible will happen to my dogs every time I leave the house. Because of the fact that we never had children, my dogs are everything to me in the thought of some thing happening to one of them is so overwhelming that I have a hard time coping when it comes to leaving them, even if it’s just for a short time. I had a traumatic experience from the loss of one of our dogs seven years ago, due to negligence of a veterinarian neurosurgeon who made a mistake and caused the death of my dog. I blame myself for this every single day and I probably will for the rest of my life. I also have a lot of anxiety, which started when I was probably around five or six years old. My parents would travel a lot and I was constantly afraid they would die in a car crash or plane crash. I am terrified to fly or take a train. I have to drive all the time and sometimes it becomes exhausting. Every time I leave my house I have the check, check again, and re-check again to make sure everything is “OK.“ I check to make sure every door is locked, I make sure the knobs on the stove are off, And when I lock that front door and leave I jiggle the handle several times “just to make sure it’s locked“ even though I know it is. While I’m at work I’m constantly worried that something will happen to my dogs or at my house. If my husband comes home a few minutes late I panic that he was in an accident. It causes a strain on my marriage because it takes me so long to actually get out the door, it constantly makes myself or my husband and I late for any event. I’m not doing it on purpose I just can’t feel calm until I complete all these “rituals.“ I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

User type: NOCD Alumni

Username: thereishope:)

Date posted: Yesterday

Hi kym123, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I can empathize with very similar OCD-related fears (fear of something catastrophic happening when I'm not home, not properly locking my door, etc.). And agreed - I would not wish OCD on my worst enemy either! Please know that 1) you're not alone! 2) there is help available and 3) there is hope! The experts at NOCD who helped me, and who help so many others, see many cases like ours. Their goal is to help us 1) recognize that our intrusive thoughts / strong emotions tied to OCD are purely generated by our brain (and therefore have no inherent truth or falsehood) AND 2) teach / train us to accept whatever OCD throws at us and keep living life based upon our true goals and values. Many days, I am posed with the questions "did I turn the stove on," "did I lock my door," etc. before leaving, with my brain also highlighting the catastrophic impacts if something were to go terribly wrong because I left my stove on / did not lock my door / etc. My goal is to see those as the same good ol' thoughts OCD loves throwing my way and accepting that I COULD have left the stove on or COULD have left the door unlocked, but don't have much reason to believe that's true at all. Either way, I know that if I check 1000 times it will never be enough for OCD. While I may check the stove if I actually cooked something that day, or check my door if I can't remember if I locked it, etc - I am often now able to keep COMPULSIVE checking over and over to a minimum so that it no longer completely disrupts my life. Personally, medication also helped me a lot by reducing my baseline anxiety and the emotional response stirred up by distressing thoughts OCD produces. That could be a helpful route for you too - I would talk with your doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, etc. Hope this helps - godspeed on your journey and just know that you're never alone in this!

Username: kym123

Date posted: Yesterday

@thereishope:) Thank you so much for your kind words. I have tried Lexapro in the past- wondering if there is something better for OCD and panic?

User type: NOCD Alumni

Username: thereishope:)

Date posted: Yesterday

@kym123 - I am unfortunately not on expert - but I'm sure your doctor / therapist / psychiatrist might have thoughts there! Good luck :)

Username: kym123

Date posted: Yesterday

Thanks again. Hugs and I hope you are doing well and keeping this nightmare at bay :)