hannah

Date posted: 2y ago

please help

i don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so sad. The thought of having to break up with my boyfriend makes me so incredibly sad and i don’t ever want to do that but i don’t know what to do. I’m not attracted to typically attractive men and I have always thought that even when i was younger. I remember wondering why i wasn’t attracted to the guys in the magic mike movies. That’s just a stupid example but i am not attracted to those movies and I felt the same way when i was little too. If i am not attracted to the men that everyone else is attracted to, and I don’t find shirtless men attractive, how can I possibly like boys. It doesn’t make any sense. I still will find boys attractive but like if i don’t find shirtless men attractive that everyone else thinks is hot then i can’t just ignore the feelings of being scared i don’t actually like men. I just wanna be with my boyfriend but how am i supposed to do that when i just can’t get over the fact that I’m not attracted to typically attractive men

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Hi! It sounds like there is a lot of ruminating going on today. I know how you feel- I’ve struggled with excessive ruminating about my sexuality for about a year and a half after having no doubts about it for the first 22 years of my life. It is okay to not find the stereotypical “hunk” attractive. I am often not attracted to women that are on magazine covers. It never bothered me until my OCD popped up. While this is normal and everyone has different tastes, we also have to acknowledge the fact that there’s no way to know for sure what this means. It may mean that you’re straight and don’t find that type of man attractive, and it could also mean that you aren’t 100% straight. We may never know for sure, and that’s okay. We can live a wonderful life without 100% certainty. It sounds like you love your boyfriend. Those are your values. Continue to lean into the uncertainty while at the same time continuing to give time to what you value; allowing the thoughts to be there without fighting with them is NOT the same thing as accepting the content of the thoughts- it is merely accepting their presence without trying to cancel them out. The more times we react anxiously to thoughts and try to cancel them out the more our brain associates those thoughts with danger, and the vicious cycle continues. When accepting the presence of the thoughts and the uncertainty while not responding with compulsions your anxiety and doubt will get slightly worse before it gets better. But keep going. Don’t give up. Do it for your future self. The less energy we put into the content of the thoughts the freer we become. I would love for someone to tell me “you are 100% straight and you have nothing to worry about,” but 1.) that will never happen and 2.) OCD would find another “what if” that would make me doubt again. Let go of the rope that you’ve been pulling on because OCD is on the other side and will always win. Just allow the thoughts to be there and over time you will feel less burdened by the intrusive thoughts, as you are able to learn that you can let them float around without assigning meaning to them. Hope this helps.

2021To2022

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@D99 Really good advice!!

hannah

Date posted: 2y ago

@D99 this is good advice! I really try to not ruminate and let the thoughts bother me but it’s so hard to just act normal since my boyfriend is my favorite person so the fact that i could be faking my feelings towards him is so scary. Makes me feel so guilty because i never want to hurt him

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@hannah - I know how scary it can be. OCD goes after the things we love the most. Accept the uncertainty and continue moving towards your values (in this situation your boyfriend), and eventually the distress will become less sticky. The key is to not compiles or ruminate.

Clovercrush

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I'm not attracted to typically "attractive" men either. Like thor, I'm not into him. Loki is sexier to me. To me Ben Stiller is hot. It is normal to disagree with the mainstream stereotype of attractive. ❤️

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Definitely agree!

hannah

Date posted: 2y ago

@Clovercrush I try to tell myself that it is normal but I can’t help but keep worrying about it. it’s so hard to try to not worry about it because I’m so scared i just really don’t like boys at all. It’s so stupid

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Same as well...I couldn't see the allure with characters like thor.....but yeah

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

@hannah It is normal. Even though you are attracted to men, it doesn't mean you are going to be attracted to every man you encounter...think about it that way.

hannah

Date posted: 2y ago

@Anonymous I know, that is a good way to think about it :) I’m just worried because i feel like my whole life i’ve wondered why i didn’t find certain men attractive. So even when I didn’t have bad ocd, i still worried about it. And I don’t think it stressed me out as much back then which makes me feel like it was just denial. I know it probably could’ve been from ocd all along but It used to not worry me as much so i feel like what i felt back then was just really denial. I don’t know how to describe it is just feel so confused

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

@hannah Yes it has. There have been things and men that my friends have found attractive that I haven't and couldn't understand and vice versa. It will all be okay in the end

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@hannah That's exactly what OCD will do. Trust me, those of us with SO OCD relate to this completely. If it wasn't this worry it would be another one "why did I think that woman looked pretty?" "why didn't I want to have sex last week when my boyfriend did?" "Why did I always look up to that female teacher at school?". Honestly OCD will take anything from the normal, complex human experience and make it seem like 'evidence' for your fears being true, that's the obsession part of it and that's what it will make you focus on. So, the more you keep going over it the more confused you'll become. Are you in therapy for OCD? It might help to understand how the disorder behaves and learn how (not) to respond.

D99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@ada110 - ^^^ This. A lot of my role models in school are men and my OCD has really tried to make meaning of this and that it must mean that I want to be with men because I look up to them and feel tremendous gratitude towards them.

kctg

Date posted: 2y ago

Same here! I think I have to get to know a man to be attracted to him. And I don’t think we have to label our sexualities and what we are attracted to and not, just remember that you want to be with your boyfriend and that you value him :)

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Great advice. I definitely feel attraction when there's some kind of connection.

Randieone

Date posted: 2y ago

you dont have to be attracted to shirtless men, or men that others would usually find attractive, and thats okay

hannah

Date posted: 2y ago

@Randieone I know everyone has different attractions, but it’s so hard to not let that worry me since I have a boyfriend who I love so much. Like how am i supposed to not worry that I’m gonna end up hurting him if i really don’t like boys

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

@hannah Hello Hannah....I am in the same situation as you and the fear of hurting him or being ingenuine towards my boyfriend has impacted me enough that I had to seek therapy. But just know that is unfortunately another way that ocd tries grasp at you....

2021To2022

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

I’m right there with you, but for the reverse. A lot of my friends would regularly be checking out some “hot chick” and I’d be like “oh, yeah…” but I am attracted to some women for sure, and have had multiple relationships, I just doubt myself because my attractions don’t appear stereotypical. Right there with you Hannah.

hannah

Date posted: 2y ago

@2021To2022 It’s so hard :( Like obviously everyone is attracted to different things but how are we supposed to ignore the fact that we’re not attracted to stereotypical men/women. Like i can’t just ignore the thoughts and continue to be happy with my boyfriend because what If i’m just lying to myself and to him

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

@hannah Your OCD is telling you the thoughts are important therefore you feel you can't ignore them. If it wasn't this example it would be something else, trust. OCD will find any 'evidence'. If you try and shrug off the thoughts and say you don't need to know if it 'means' anything or not, your brain will start to understand that it doesn't need to ring the alarm bell.

Mariabae

Date posted: 16w ago

i feel bad

i feel so bad for posting here, idk what i wamt i have so many thoughts abt the feelings i have for my bf im scared my thughts are true or that they will be true and i feel bad for feeling amd thinking this way i such a bad girlfriend, i am scared that i like other people just because i look at them or talk to them normally and i feel like a liar what cam i do to stop feeling like this i am scared

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w ago

Pls I need advice

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

LiaExe28

Date posted: 15w ago

Pats crush groinal response

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

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