Please reply, going through a very tough time 😞

So I’ve been having this worry about ‘liking the feeling’ of imagining doing that intrusive thought for a long time (the thoughts are about smothering) and I’ve been going through this for so long now I will have times where I focus on other things and stop caring for a few weeks and then it comes back and I’m worrying all over again, I keep crying and feeling angry that I’m going through this and agitated and having outbursts because of this. It’s gotten to the point where it feels like it’s true, like I’m actually believing that it and it’s scary. It feels like I know how it feels to ‘smother’ someone/a cat and now I like how it feels to do that action (squashing them and stopping them from breathing) sorry that sounds horrible i know, and that I liked the feeling of doing that and now I’m worrying that since it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ I’m worried that I’m the future I will want to do that or it feels almost like it’s inevitable and it’s really scary and I’m worried that I will definitely want to ‘feel that feeling’ of doing that since I ‘like the feeling’ but it’s like at the same time that it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ I also get shudders and anxiety and electric shock feeling when I imagine the thoughts but sometimes when I imagine the thought it feels like I like the feeling and it’s really confusing and scary. Also when I stopped ruminating on it for a few weeks when I finally did have a thought it felt like I was more anxious over it and hated it but the more I think about it the less anxious I become and the more it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ it doesn’t 100% feel like that but it feels like I’m believing that I will actually be bad in the future because my brain thinks Of scenarios in the future where I’m evil and it feels like I actually would be or that I would ‘give in’ and like the feeling and it’s scary. I mean it’s not possible to like the feeling of doing something evil (like that smothering thing) and have a conscience is it? (Please tell me it isn’t possible) I’ve been thinking what if after ruminating a lot now I’ve discovered that I like the feeling of smothering but I have a conscience but I’m the future I will end up doing it anyway because I ‘like the feeling’ 😞 the only other thing I can think of is it seems as if I’ve stopped experiencing ‘urges’ at the start of having this problem I knew that I hated the thoughts and I use to get unwanted intrusive thoughts constantly and it use to feel like an ‘urge’ to suddenly lash out and act on the thoughts, at that time the thoughts were about strangling, so I use to worry that I would like the feeling of doing that or like the feeling of putting my hands around someone’s neck and I was scared to go anywhere near or touch someone’s neck but because I never deliberately imagined that to ‘test’ myself it never felt like ‘I liked the feeling’ of imagining doing that because I never ruminated on it but with these smothering thoughts because I kept getting intrusive thoughts about doing that I started testing myself by imagining doing that to see how I would react and instead it felt like I liked the feeling of imagining doing that? But now I’m thinking maybe I haven’t stopped feeling the ‘urges’ maybe this thing where when I imagine the thought it feels like I ‘want to’ or ‘like the feeling’ is the ‘urges’ but I’ve stopped thinking that it feels like an ‘urge’ and instead I’m thinking it’s me actually wanting to do that? Another scary thing is I keep thinking even if I forget about all this I get this horrible feeling/thought that I will still end up acting on it anyways despite not liking the thoughts because it feels like I like the feeling and that’s literally ingrained in my mind now I’m worried no matter how much I try to forget about it it will still become a reality and at some point in the future I will end up doing that, cause it feels like how can I be going through this for over a year now and I’m not actually evil? How can I be constantly ruminating on this and believing it for it all to be a lie? It feels almost like it’s inevitable now and it will actually happen, even in the future that I will ‘give in’ and it’s horrible. I feel so confused and exhausted, I felt so much better and more free when I wasn’t dwelling on it a few weeks ago but now it feels like a huge problem that I’m entangled in and like I’m trapped, especially since it’s a ‘feeling’ involved it feels even more real, because it actually feels like I like the feeling, I can’t explain it but it’s not like I’m worried ‘I like the thoughts or idea of doing that’ it feels like I know how it feels to squash someone with the pillow and stop the from breathing and that I like the feeling of doing that (I know that sounds so horrible I don’t even like writing that out) but I just feel so confused and then I’m having Thai horrible thing where it feels like I’m about to smile or secretly happy/smiling inside when I’m talking about my problem. I woke up this morning and I feel so exhausted, I’m on my period as well I think That’s why I started worrying again as well, and I was on a diet before I started going through this and it was going well giving myself something to focus on and now I’ve been binge eating a lot like comfort eating because this problem is stressing me out a lot, also yesterday when I was crying about this problem I hit myself , not hard (it’s not serious) but it’s like I get so frustrated I took it out on myself, or I will like hit the wall with my hand, honestly I don’t know what to do, I wish I could be saved from this

Peter1904

Date posted: 2y ago

I had these troubling thoughts once too. But i promise you that it will get better. And your post with all the doubting PROVES that you are not evil. a truly evil person would not think twice about these intrusive thoughts and they would just give in. I tried challenging myself by going over to my cat and just hug her and ignore my intrusive thoughts, and continued to ignore them, and after some weeks i actually didn't feel that scared anymore because i have proven that i am not a danger to my cat. But the thought very rarely show up when i am around her, but my love for her is too big for me to ever hurt her.

lu22

Date posted: 2y ago

@Peter1904 Thank you for this, I appreciate it, I feel a bit better now. It feels like now rather than intrusive thoughts it’s more like I’m engaging in a lot of rumination constantly and I’m deliberately imagining the thoughts to ‘test’ myself and how I feel, so as long as I don’t deliberately think of the thoughts while around my cats it’s okay but I’ve gotten into the habit of imagining the thoughts on purpose and that’s what worries me the fact that I’m thinking of it on purpose to yes myself that makes me feel like I cant trust myself because at any point I can bring on the thoughts and it can feel real and also makes me worry that one time I will deliberately imagine to test myself and I will actually act on it 😞

carol.xxx

Date posted: 18w ago

pls repky

I am so so so anxious, I cant even describe it. I have this horrific anxious feeling going through my body where it feels like im about to do something terrible. I feel incredibly sick, shakey, panicky. Due to this harm ocd episode. I am so scared that I might act on a disgusting horrific harm intrusive thought. I dont wanna be near knives, go to the kitchen or even get up. As im so scared that Im going to act on it. I know I dont want to but this anxiety and horrid feeling makes me feel like i do. I am petrified the anxiety is terrifying. I sat in the kitchen earlier while my brother was close and I was scared because it feels so real even typing this im starting to panic. Please respons please and please say if your uk based it brings me a bit of comofrt as I know im not alone in this country! What makes it worse is my family were talking about their aspirations and dreams then i felt even more scared of the intrusive thoughts because if i did act on them they would be destroyed and then I also feel so much guilt cos i get scared my bf is scared of me has anyone had this does it go.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 17w ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

POCD

misereri

Date posted: 12w ago

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

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Please reply, going through a very tough time 😞

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