- Username
- lu22
- Date posted
- 374d ago
- Young adults with OCD
- Harm OCD
Please reply, going through a very tough time 😞
So I’ve been having this worry about ‘liking the feeling’ of imagining doing that intrusive thought for a long time (the thoughts are about smothering) and I’ve been going through this for so long now I will have times where I focus on other things and stop caring for a few weeks and then it comes back and I’m worrying all over again, I keep crying and feeling angry that I’m going through this and agitated and having outbursts because of this. It’s gotten to the point where it feels like it’s true, like I’m actually believing that it and it’s scary. It feels like I know how it feels to ‘smother’ someone/a cat and now I like how it feels to do that action (squashing them and stopping them from breathing) sorry that sounds horrible i know, and that I liked the feeling of doing that and now I’m worrying that since it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ I’m worried that I’m the future I will want to do that or it feels almost like it’s inevitable and it’s really scary and I’m worried that I will definitely want to ‘feel that feeling’ of doing that since I ‘like the feeling’ but it’s like at the same time that it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ I also get shudders and anxiety and electric shock feeling when I imagine the thoughts but sometimes when I imagine the thought it feels like I like the feeling and it’s really confusing and scary. Also when I stopped ruminating on it for a few weeks when I finally did have a thought it felt like I was more anxious over it and hated it but the more I think about it the less anxious I become and the more it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ it doesn’t 100% feel like that but it feels like I’m believing that I will actually be bad in the future because my brain thinks Of scenarios in the future where I’m evil and it feels like I actually would be or that I would ‘give in’ and like the feeling and it’s scary. I mean it’s not possible to like the feeling of doing something evil (like that smothering thing) and have a conscience is it? (Please tell me it isn’t possible) I’ve been thinking what if after ruminating a lot now I’ve discovered that I like the feeling of smothering but I have a conscience but I’m the future I will end up doing it anyway because I ‘like the feeling’ 😞 the only other thing I can think of is it seems as if I’ve stopped experiencing ‘urges’ at the start of having this problem I knew that I hated the thoughts and I use to get unwanted intrusive thoughts constantly and it use to feel like an ‘urge’ to suddenly lash out and act on the thoughts, at that time the thoughts were about strangling, so I use to worry that I would like the feeling of doing that or like the feeling of putting my hands around someone’s neck and I was scared to go anywhere near or touch someone’s neck but because I never deliberately imagined that to ‘test’ myself it never felt like ‘I liked the feeling’ of imagining doing that because I never ruminated on it but with these smothering thoughts because I kept getting intrusive thoughts about doing that I started testing myself by imagining doing that to see how I would react and instead it felt like I liked the feeling of imagining doing that? But now I’m thinking maybe I haven’t stopped feeling the ‘urges’ maybe this thing where when I imagine the thought it feels like I ‘want to’ or ‘like the feeling’ is the ‘urges’ but I’ve stopped thinking that it feels like an ‘urge’ and instead I’m thinking it’s me actually wanting to do that? Another scary thing is I keep thinking even if I forget about all this I get this horrible feeling/thought that I will still end up acting on it anyways despite not liking the thoughts because it feels like I like the feeling and that’s literally ingrained in my mind now I’m worried no matter how much I try to forget about it it will still become a reality and at some point in the future I will end up doing that, cause it feels like how can I be going through this for over a year now and I’m not actually evil? How can I be constantly ruminating on this and believing it for it all to be a lie? It feels almost like it’s inevitable now and it will actually happen, even in the future that I will ‘give in’ and it’s horrible. I feel so confused and exhausted, I felt so much better and more free when I wasn’t dwelling on it a few weeks ago but now it feels like a huge problem that I’m entangled in and like I’m trapped, especially since it’s a ‘feeling’ involved it feels even more real, because it actually feels like I like the feeling, I can’t explain it but it’s not like I’m worried ‘I like the thoughts or idea of doing that’ it feels like I know how it feels to squash someone with the pillow and stop the from breathing and that I like the feeling of doing that (I know that sounds so horrible I don’t even like writing that out) but I just feel so confused and then I’m having Thai horrible thing where it feels like I’m about to smile or secretly happy/smiling inside when I’m talking about my problem. I woke up this morning and I feel so exhausted, I’m on my period as well I think That’s why I started worrying again as well, and I was on a diet before I started going through this and it was going well giving myself something to focus on and now I’ve been binge eating a lot like comfort eating because this problem is stressing me out a lot, also yesterday when I was crying about this problem I hit myself , not hard (it’s not serious) but it’s like I get so frustrated I took it out on myself, or I will like hit the wall with my hand, honestly I don’t know what to do, I wish I could be saved from this