Does anyone struggle with fears or intrusive thoughts that they may have raped or assaulted someone? I’ve been a victim of SA in the past and I have a lot of distorted thoughts and doubts about past encounters being entirely consensual and enthusiastic. The feelings of guilt and shame are almost too much to handle.
Yes. This was my biggest theme for almost a year.
@Beeboop3- Could you describe what it was like? You don’t have to share if you don’t want to.
@Beeboop3- Hi
I suffer from this too, the mental pain and anguish are almost unbearable
I’ve been struggling with this exact theme for almost a year now. I used to never think this way and now it’s all i can think about. I’ve gotten better, but the guilt and shame i feel around these thoughts is so freaking debilitating. I’ve always struggled with the fear of that happening to me. I keep replaying certain scenarios in my head, breaking them down over and over again trying to find some kind of answer. There are days where i just want to scream my lungs out bc i am in such a distressed state i can’t even function sometimes.
@arp1014 This theme has attacked my boyfriend due to real events and even my own dad due to false memories. I can’t even explain how horrific it feels to have to go through this every single day. They both are amazing men and before ocd, i never viewed them in a negative way. OCD has taken so much from me and has made everything feel so real that there are many times where i just want to give up. It’s mentally exhausting.
@arp1014 Thx for being so open. However pleasant or awkward, I’ve always asked for enthusiastic consent and/or was mindful of non verbal body language and cues. Still, when I ruminate on past real events, I’m always looking for “evidence.” When I have sought reassurance, friends or my therapist will say that at worst, it was just a mild boundary miscommunication—nothing to torture myself over. Cognitively I know I’m not a sexual predator. Still, that’s where my anxiety and OCD brain goes to. I think I’m getting better because I’m more honest with my therapist, we’re trying ERP. And I know now thanks to this app and research that I’m not entirely alone. Still the existential dread is overwhelming at times. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
@Thunderfist717! I feel the exact same way. The worst part for me is that my mind automatically goes to direct statements like “he r*ped me” and sometimes I’ll even wake up with the word “rape” in my thoughts. At first it used to be the “what ifs” but now it’s so direct that it’s honestly making it feel so freaking real. But I’ve been in therapy for a while and I’ve been told over and over again that it’s just ocd and ocd will do anything and everything to attack what you love and value the most through your worst fears. I’ve been on the other side of it too but through pocd and that one is just as hard and debilitating.
@arp1014 Can I ask how the theme has attacked your boyfriend and father?
@Thunderfist717! Idk, one day i just had a thought that was like “what if the men i loved so deeply in my life ever hurt me that way” then i started ruminating and ruminating on how awful that would be then it took a turn and brought up a real event with me and my bf and then a dream i had a long time ago about my dad. So real event and false memory, i guess you could say. Deep down i know neither are true and ocd is what’s making me doubt everything but i just wish i could delete these thoughts out of my head so that i never have to deal with this pain ever again.
@arp1014 That sounds awful. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.
Yeah mine is tangentially related to that. It's so hellish
I have similar fears. I have a history of childhood repeated SA and mine has triggered me to be scared of becoming the person who assaulted me. I just began my ERP so I don't have any advice but you are not alone!
@Ophi Phi Thanks for the kind words. I often feel as if I’m a hypocrite, or that I deserved my assaults. For a while, I was almost suicidal and was afraid to tell my female therapist what it was I was struggling with internally. When I finally did, she was so nonchalant: “Oh, that’s OCD right there. Ever heard of it?”
Yes just had an episode last night :(
@Amanda Denholm I’m sorry you had an episode. Would you want to share? You don’t have to.
@Thunderfist717! It’s alright they come and go :) basically it was just revisiting a pretty normal interaction I’ve had in the past trying to figure out whether or on I may have done something inappropriate, you know, the works 😂 trying to do do my own rp and not beat myself up. It ain’t easy but it’s gotta be done :)
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