Worst time ever I’m literally believing it now 😞

I think this is genuinely the worst I’ve ever felt at a stage in ocd, I’m exhausted and I’m literally believing I’m evil. I’m so tired honestly, because it feels like when I imagine the intrusive thought to test myself it feels like I like the feeling of doing that action (the thought is about smothering) and I literally can’t persuade myself otherwise, it feels like I can’t be trusted as long as it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ because sometimes I would imagine the thought and it would feel like I ‘like the feeling of imagining doing that’ and then it would feel like it was actually about to happens and was backed up by the feeling of ‘I like the feeling’ so now it feels like I can’t trust myself being alone with a animal or a person because if I get that feeling I might actually do it since it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ and ‘want to do it’ I was feeling better and then my period started and I started worrying again and now I’m like this, feels like the worst I’ve ever felt, normally I can pick myself up but it feels like there’s no hope and I’m genuinely believing that I like the feeling and that I’m evil, I’m trying to not worry but it feels like I’m just ignoring it while still believing it, today my cat died as well and I was balling my eyes out crying so hard, and I still believe I’m evil because when I imagine the smothering thought it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ and that feeling feels so extremely real, most times when I imagine the thoughts it feels like I get anxiety or a jolt feeling but sometimes I imagine it and it feels like I like the feeling of doing that action of squashing someone’s face with a pillow and stopping them from breathing (sounds horrible I’m sorry) but that feeling feels so real and it’s so depressing, I feel miserable like I can’t be happy because I’m bad now and may eventually be bad and because this feeling feels so real i literally now believe I’m evil and like the feeling and I don’t know what to do, how am I suppose to stop believing this? Surely if I hated it I wouldn’t be so easy to believe it’s true that I like the feeling? Surely if I really didn’t like it I would feel a little more confident and know I would never do that or never want to do that? But the fact I feel I can’t trust myself makes me think maybe It’s actually true that I like the feeling and would do it since I’m literally believing that? I keep worrying I will give in to this urge especially now that it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ I honestly don’t know wha to please advice me I’m literally now believing this and my head thinks of scenarios in the future where I’m evil because it feels like I like the feeling and I imagine being somewhere and I start testing myself on the thoughts by imagining the smothering thing and then it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ again and then I actually act on it - This is what my head thought of today and I had an intrusive thought like ‘prison wouldn’t be that bad’ then I was thinking ‘omg say I would actually act on it and I’m not bothered about going jail’ I just think crazy things all the time I don’t know which thoughts are real and which feelings are mine and which are false ideas from ocd 😞😞

Ocd&me09

Date posted: 2y

I completely understand I feel the same way I’m so sick of this I can’t be happy because it has literally taken over my life my happiness and everything I believed. It is horrible I don’t even know what I want or don’t anymore because this illness makes you think you want everything bad. I’ve had these thoughts also like would things be that bad and then I go from 1 thought to the next I just can’t take this is the hardest thing ever! You aren’t alone because I too go through this daily and it makes it all that harder becaus I have two babies and it’s sooo hard 😔

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocd&me09 I’m sorry I can’t fathom what it must be like having two babies and experiencing this, it must be very hard. It makes me feel a lot of anger as well, I jsut keep thinking why? Why am I going through this, why me? I look at other people in my life treat I know, and they’re not ‘good’ people, always gossiping, wishing things on people, using people, not be kind and there lives are bright and they always have things to looks forward to, always having fun going out all the time, going to parties meanwhile I’m always trying to be good and kind and helpful to others and I’m suffering with this horrible problem. I remember when I use to be able to feel free and do anything but now it feels like there’s all these barriers if I think about going home I get anxiety, if I think about going somewhere certain I get anxiety, I don’t feel free, I took for granted being able to just go home with a clear headspace and do what I want without questioning it and feeling bound 😞😞

Fiskfkgo12

Date posted: 2y

I feel you completely, the theme has gone so far that you feel as ”you’re ready to accept it as your trait and you also like it” right? As this happens I also tend to get this weird evil sensation feeling in my mind. Do you experience the same?

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Tuke I get this thing where I get this ‘evil feeling’ in my mind when talking about certain things, it was happening a lot last night, my cat died and every time my mum would mention something I would get an ‘evil feeling’ like as though I liked it or was happy about it or had ‘evil intentions’ like my mum was talking about burying our cat and I get this weird feeling like I’m ‘happy’ about her mentioning that or that it feels like I’m about to ‘smile’ or something. Another weird thing I get is it feels almost like I imagine an image of an ‘evil smile’ not quite an image but I can envision and evil smile or smirk and that kind of feels like it resonates into me, as my whole ‘feeling’ like as if that evil smile I imagine is ‘my whole outlook and my whole self/being. I know that sounds weird but it’s kind of scary, I was trying to fall asleep and I was having intrusive thoughts or felt like an urge to act on the ‘smothering thoughts’ I sleep next to my mum because since I started having this problem I’m scared to sleep alone, and I was obviously laying on a pillow and we were talking about my cat that died and at the same time my brain was simultaneously thinking about the smothering thoughts and it felt like an urge and I was aware of myself resting my head on a pillow and then I was getting that ‘evil feeling’ or imagining an ‘evil smile’ and was thinking that was me it’s so confusing and horrible but I tried to not engage and just go to sleep

Fiskfkgo12

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 This actually sounds scarily familiar! I have similar experiences with ”the evil smile” thing. Sometimes I even feel like I start smiling and then I’m like nope stop! It feels good to hear someone else is dealing with this as well.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Tuke Yeah the other day I had a thought and it felt like one side of my mouth moved so I went to check in the mirror while holding the same expression to see if one side of my mouth was curled up. It’s honestly so tiring and horrible

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

Thoughts are thoughts, that is all. I have and do get the exact same thoughts and feelings as you are experiencing and have avoided certain situations and people or animals. I have been trying to get back into doing the things I used to enjoy. Can you?

tayanominous

Date posted: 24w

doesn’t feel like OCD

My intrusive thoughts really really really disturbing and I just I can’t seem to like saying maybe to them and I can’t seem to like just accept them cuz they are sexual related and abt family too. They seem so real and I know that everyone says that but it’s just I can’t take it because it feels so ridiculously real and I keep thinking what if I actually like these thoughts or want these thoughts and I’m scared. As well as intrusive urges they are really debilitating and scary on top of compulsions which hurt me in the exhausting and I don’t know what’s real anymore and my values seem to be gone why won’t my head just stop! I don’t know how to explain my fee my anxiety is through the roof and my therapist is more than ERP therapist rather than someone I can just talk too like I definitely can but she’s more of a like a an exposure therapist and I just I don’t have anyone anymore and my best friend Pet bird just passed away a few hours ago and I think that has a really big affect on how I’m feeling and I’m crying so much right now and grieving I’m scared please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Worst time ever I’m literally believing it now 😞

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community