Harm OCD question and should I be worried

Hey guys so I suffer from Harm OCD and thoughts about violently harming other and today I’ve been having super minimal thoughts . I had such horrible intrusive thoughts that it feels weird. I’m in constant fear that the thought will come back randomly and the urges will come back stronger than ever. And I’ll actually commit to my urges and act out on them. Like I still Feel weird because even though I don’t have anxiety ... the killer thoughts are in the back of my head. I gueninly don’t dee normal Anymore.

Please reply, I know this can be seen as seeking reassurance but I think in some cases people need it and I am really suffering and am not in therapy or have ever been 😞 Is it possible with harm ocd that you can get use to the thought to the point you don’t get anxiety but the ‘urges’ can still be there? Or it feels like you ‘want’ to act on it or ‘like it’ or my head has literally convinced me that I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing and I get no anxiety when thinking about the thoughts (thoughts about smothering) and it’s stressing me out because I get no anxiety but it feels like I would suddenly lash out and do that and it’s because I ‘know how it feels to do that and enjoy/like the feeling of doing that/stopping someone from breathing with a pillow) I feel very upset and don’t know what to do, I’m carrying on with things but I’m constantly carrying this with me and I’m not stressing out over it every second of the day but I feel like I just don’t know what to do it feels so real and like it would actually happen and it’s ‘not the right circumstance for it to happen’ and Im just a mess and don’t know how I can live my life this way, believing this? It feels like it would happen or is inevitable and it would be because I like the feeling of smothering and it’s so horrible and I don’t know what to do I don’t even feel any bad feelings of anxiety or anything anymore but the other fake urges/feelings are there and it’s weird and I’m worried and don’t know how to deal with this

Does anyone have any recommendations for distressing harm related thoughts and urges? The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt someone, I have so much anxiety and distress over the thoughts, the thoughts terrify me in itself. However my go-to ‘solution’ to neutralise obsessive thoughts over a number of years (not involving harm) has involved giving in to my urges as a way of getting temporary relief. My rational brain knows these are just thoughts, but I so quickly get sucked into the ocd thought spiral and my irrational brain is so convinced that I’m going to feel this way forever, until I give in and act on the urge, that this is the only way I will get some relief. I want to emphasise again that I DO NOT want to hurt anyone, but my irrational mind is convinced it’s the ‘only way out’ of these thoughts. Help???