- Date posted
- 2y ago
Hocd
I find it hard to control my thoughts, I even find it hard to sleep because I fear that a thought will pop into my head and I will get an erection
I find it hard to control my thoughts, I even find it hard to sleep because I fear that a thought will pop into my head and I will get an erection
Iāll cut a long story short⦠SOCD/ HOCD was one of the first themes I got when I was a teenager. The first one was health but I didnāt know that was OCD at the time. Anyway, I have had SOCD for 11 years. Sometimes it leaves me alone and it feels like Iām my own self again! Donāt get me wrong it lingers but I manage. But⦠IT IS BACK!!! My head is telling me that I am a lesbian and that I need to just admit it. I hate it. I have a boyfriend who I love unconditionally and this has just sprung out of a dream I had -.- I donāt want to be a lesbian! The groinal responses have always been the worst. It started when I was around 16, I woke up one morning and my brain just said āyouāre a lesbianā, as you can imagine I freaked out, panic attack and cried. Then, my brain starts looking into my childhood⦠well itās had a field day. When I was around 9 my friend showed me girls kissing on YouTube and then I suppose I got addicted to it. I then used to play on Habbo and walk up to girls and say ākissesā etc. my brain is now saying that this is evidence that Iām gay. I DONT WANT TO BE A LESBIAN!!! I have no issues with gay people, I just donāt want to be gay myself. Sometimes, when the thoughts come in I donāt seem to get anxious but I get groinals and that freaks me out! I just want peace. I hate this. I get so many different themes. Now itās this one and I just want to crawl under my duvet, sleep until theyāre gone but then I end up dreaming about it!!!
Every time I go to bed late and Iām falling asleep, I suddenly get an intrusive thought of a childās face and my groinal area always responds to it. Itās such an uncomfortable experience. I am way too tired to try and freak out so I end up falling asleep. The next morning Iām always trying to figure out whether I had the groinal response first or after the thought. I start giving OCD power but it feels like If I let it go, then Iām in denial or whatever. I donāt want to ever do anything sexual with a child. I donāt even feel comfortable talking platonically with people who are 17, much less a child. My therapist says that I have a deep rooted fear that Iām this horrible person and that OCD loves to feed off of it. When you get a groinal response, it makes the thought that much more real. I never want these things to happen. I want to only be into adults. Itās so discomforting and stressful. Especially since Iām hyper checking how anxious I am, and if I find I didnāt really have much anxiety, then Iām like āwell if I didnāt have anxiety, what does this mean?ā And more questions occur til I end up in a rabbit hole
So with my theme of ocd, ( hocd ) I get persistent intrusive images, and thoughts. Itās not like one or two a day. Like if Iām out for the whole day theyāre constant. I feel I canāt even look at a girl now without her intrusive thoughts about her or about me fancying her and even sexual intrusive thoughts.. Itās awful. Itās everywhere I look. Is this common with ocd with any themes? Like is it constant for you guys too?
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