Others

I feel so much for people, especially my parents, brother, and nana right now. I saw a few people I know from college and high school whose mom or dad passed away at a young age and I don’t know what to do about it but worry for mine who are having a hard time emotionally and mentally right now. My mom took a new job because she was previously overworked. She’s in her mid-fifties and her friends are all retired and have nice homes. She traded her old him for a smaller home that she hates. It’s required for her at her new job to complete a license exam and pass but it looks like such a hard exam and she’s so overwhelmed and emotionally drained and can’t stop comparing herself to her friends. I can’t even come up with anything positive to say to her. She feels like she shouldn’t have this much stress at this point in her life. My dad is constantly thinking about politics and it’s frustrating because it’s so toxic to even think like this but he’s stubborn and keeps thinking and talking about it. He’s currently an independent contractor and is having a hard time finding a job and finding clients, so he’s stressed about not bringing any income in. My brother and I are also stressed because we are overworked at our jobs and have been applying for new jobs for over a year and can’t get any. I haven’t had the best experience with my previous jobs because my bosses have been just awful in the past while I worked so hard and over 10 hours a day. My nana has been so lonely for so many years and finally has her friend who is now living close to her. After a month of her friend living with her, her friend fell and broke her hip. I feel so bad for both of them and I just feel like we all can’t win or catch a break. I feel like there’s more bad than good in this world and if there is a God, why would he make it so difficult for us to live in this world. It’s complete torture. I’m seriously so mad at God and why he/she would let this happen.

Does anyone feel like they’re fighting a war inside of them? I’ve slowly opened up to people about my past and things that happened ( I never thought I would ) but at times, I value truth and honesty and wanting to be a good person and this is something I just want to let go of because I’ve suffered with the guilt and shame and regret but my mind keeps on dwelling on it and bringing it back. Like I’m a fraud. This implies to all my mistakes that I’ve learned from. I normally tell my mom things but I don’t want to tell her these things. I love her and don’t want to bring shame upon my family or for this to be brought up over and over again. I did stupid things without logically thinking and I have the best mom ever and she trusted me with things when I was younger. I made mistakes with that trust and it makes me upset. I now feel like I’m ideally the “ideal” kid for my family and I wish to stay like that no matter my age. I’ve been trying to mange with my childhood mistakes. The shame and guilt. I’m trying to be a bit more compassionate but there’s always the thought that scares me, what if I was really evil? I used to hate looking at pictures of myself when I was younger but now when I do, I finally realize what they meant by “you aren’t your worst mistake” because I’ve done good and I’ve also screwed up. But I feel like I’m fighting a war with myself because I value justice and truth and so but I don’t even wanna talk about this or bring it up and my mind keeps targeting it and it’s exhausting.

Does anyone else read other peoples post and think it’s for them or about them and their situation and start to think that’s what they are going through themselves ? Or like I’m blaming ocd but it’s my brain actually telling that’s how I actually feel?