- Date posted
- 2y
"Am I or am I not...?"
I believe this question started coming up during middle school when my mother told my dad I liked my best friend. I got punished hard for even expressing such feelings so early. I was looked down upon by my siblings when they heard what I "did". Ever since that day whenever I showed the slightest happy expression about possibly liking anyone (guys mostly at the time) my older sister would end up telling my mother and they would talk about me behind my back about how disgusting it was for me to like others so fast and would list names of the guys I was friends with. But I am just a tomboy and felt comfortable and free around guys, even if i did like some of them. Women still to this day, this evening, they are hard for me to talk too with my mother never understanding me, my older sister who I thought would understand me the most, would always look the other way or just kept quiet. Later on in middle school around mid way through 8th grade, I found out I wasnt straight and bummed ideas about being bi/pan. Which didnt make things any better because I felt like I shouldnt be having those thoughts. So I just bottled everything up and didnt tell anyone in my family anything about my feelings throughout the rest of middle school through highschool. Throughout lots of stressful night thoughts and self convincing I realized I was pan and poly. Before starting college I came out to my parents about being Pan. My dad made a silly joke and my mom took it as a phase. I try not to think to much about how she feels but I cant help but always hear her voice in my head when I talk to women. Like today, my whole rant of typing this. I meet two openly poly transwomen who are dating, both women are very gorgerous and hardcore punks. Id been friends with them since last semester and one offered to mess around with her and her girlfriend if I wanted. My boyfriend and I talked and he said it was cool and to have fun. To my knowledge there was no labels, we were just having fun. Late last week I was talking to one of my friends about them saying how it was werid for I missed them just as much as I did my boyfriend and how it made me happy. But my thoughts of "why dont you miss him more then them?" So I talked to my boyfriend and he jokely said "Because youre a Lesbian" and I freaked, saying "No, im not. Im dating you, I've never dating a woman before." Now Friday comes and I wait for my lovely friend outside of her club building to walk with her to her dorm since I missed her. And then what my boyfriend said popped into my head and I just ended up talking about it to her, about questioning myself again and saying that "I dont date women" expressing how I have not had the chance too. Today she texts me and brings up what I said for she misunderstood me and took it as a negative. I didnt even get to explain myself before she said she and her girlfriend were cutting ties with me and left. I want to explain myself so badly to them, but they wont listen. I hate that I cant stop thinking about them and how they told me "I'll always hear you out." But they didnt they just assumed I was being rude and dismissive. I didnt even realize they wanted to date me. For we never talked about it going any farther then "Just messing around with pretty gays." I hate that I am always questioning myself, my relationships and just being in general. I just want to explain myself, for I really like them. I want to explain that Im constantly in doubt where I am clouding myself from what I have till its to late. But I feel if I do that. Ill just push them farther way and look more like a bad person, as insenstive, a screwup.