I feel terrible, please reply

I just feel awful, everyday is horrible. I’m actually believing now that I’m evil and want to be evil and that I can’t be trusted. The thoughts I’m worrying about are about smothering and for some reason although I get anxiety over the thoughts and feel tense there’s an element to the thoughts that make it feel like I like the feeling of doing that smothering thing when I imagine it. I feel so exhausted, I’m obsessed with imagining the thought on purpose as well, and even when it feels like I don’t like it or that I get anxiety over the thought I still keep imagining it because I’m looking for that feeling that makes me feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ because I don’t believe that I hate it or that the anxiety is proof enough that I hate it. I don’t get it. The other day I was in a room alone with my cat and my cat was sleeping and I started deliberately imagining smothering my cat to ‘test’ myself and check if it would actually do that or if I ‘like the feeling’ and when I imagined it, I had no anxiety in that moment and it just felt like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ like I know how it feels to do that like squash my cat face with the pillow, stopping them from breathing and I just don’t know what to do, and now that’s the incident that makes me feel like I can’t be trusted because in that moment I had no anxiety and it just felt like I liked the feeling of doing that and after I walked away I didn’t even know why it didn’t happen, like I’m so confused to the point I don’t believe myself anymore and it felt like it actually could have happened and tbh ate what scares me especially since it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ now I’m just really worried and scared that I get a ‘good’ feeling from doing that and it’s awful. Yesterday I imagini ed the same thought about my mum and it felt like I ‘liked the feeling’ and that it would ‘feel good to do that’ and after I was thinking ‘oh my god, how can I even feel that way?’ ‘That’s not normal, to be feeling like you could get a ‘good’ feeling from doing that. I just don’t know what to do because now I’ve got it in my head that I like the feeling and It feels extremely true and as if that would definitely happen because I would want to feel how it feels to do that since I now ‘like the feeling’ I feel really worried about that ‘liking the feeling’ thing like it’s making me feel so miserable and I feel like I shouldn’t even be feeling miserable since I’m evil and like it 😞 I’m obsessed with imagining it and feel like I don’t have a reason to stop imagining it because it feels so true, like before I use to be able to eventually decide not to ruminate on it and to forget about it but now it feels like I can’t because I’m believing it and I’m obsessed with imagining how it feels to do that smothering thing to see if it’s true and even when I get anxiety over it i still don’t believe I don’t like it and that fact I’m believing I get a good feeling from smothering someone is really horrible I don’t know how to counter this I don’t know how to deal with this

A person 1

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Let's assume that it is "true". So what? I want to eat ice cream all the time, but I know it will make me feel like shit, so I don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you lean into it a bit and be like yeah, sounds good to me you'll be more free to focus on things that actually matter. Not that you actually want to suffocate someone or something, it's just OCD trying to keep it's talons on you. Also if you're able to let it talk and ignore it, the better you are at getting over it's blows. The way I see it now when it spikes me, I have two options: buy into it and let it crush me, or say oh well, the thought happened gotta let it go, and so I let it go as quickly as possible

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@A person 1 I feel like if I was given a good reason to ‘forget about it’ I would but it feels like I need evidence that it’s not true but I never will have evidence. Also the other day I was in this shop and I saw this baby and I suddenly felt uncomfortable and started imagining the thoughts to check and then it felt like I would ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I walked off and the rest of the day I was worrying because It felt like that and even now it’s still bothering me my head keeps imagining a scenario where I’m alone with a baby and I would do that because ‘I like the feeling’ and i get anxiety when I think about it and when my head tells me it would happen because ‘it feels good’ I get instant anxiety but that anxiety makes it feel even more real for some reason so now I want to forget about the thought but my brain is convinced I could forget about it live normally and one day I’m going to be alone with a baby and do that because I ‘like the feeling’ and it’s really scary I keep thinking I won’t be able to have kids and everything now and that I can’t be trusted because now I like the feeling. But sometimes I think maybe it’s the anxiety that makes the thought feel like I ‘like the feeling’ but at the same time sometimes I have the thoughts and it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ but I’m not anxious so I don’t know anymore 😞

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@A person 1 Thank you for your reply, sorry for the long message

A person 1

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 That's ok, I was in your same exact shoes. I'm starting to do better, but what I've found is trying to find a reason is the reason for OCD surviving. Some things in life have no rhyme or reason and they only happen because they do. You're also trying way too hard to control your reaction to everything, forcing your body to have a reaction over something that's never happened, nor almost infinitely probable (it's physically possible, but youre not going to) will not happen, so it's impossible to ever come to a conclusion. You're only bet is to lay down the shovel, listen to music you like and have faith in yourself as a good person. Best of luck!

A person 1

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Also, you're not alone because I still struggle with it all the time. The more you step back though the more you realize you don't have control over the thoughts so you have to let them flow through. I'm assuming eventually your brain will drop it because it's no longer an issue for you. You're strong, you're a badass, you can do hard things. Hang in there

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@A person 1 I never thought about it that way, I guess I am trying to force myself to have a reaction over something that hasn’t happened, I just don’t understand why sometimes it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and it makes me feel like there is no hope since it feels like that

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@A person 1 Today I was trying not to imagine the thoughts but I keep feeling almost an urge to imagine the thoughts like I have to and I get this feeling like ‘I like the feeling’ or angst feeling which makes me feel like I have to imagine it and now I’m worrying what if I like imagining the thoughts It feels like the anxiety is making everything seem more real and the anxiety makes me feel like imagining the thoughts might be a relief ? I don’t even know what I’m. Saying I’m struggling to explain everything I feel like I have to imagine it and before I imagine it I have this angsty feeling and makes it feel like I have to imagine it and I’m associating that with me ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ when I imagine doing that I get this intense feeling In my chest and anxious but now Im thinking what if it feels like I like the feeling because it feels like a ‘relief’ to imagine acting on the thoughts because I’m frustrated? And now I’m worried I’m evil because maybe evil people get a relief from doing those evil things and what if this anxiety is actually me feeling relief from imagining doing that that’s why it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ sorry this probably sounds so confusing but I am very confused, it’s become a daily habit to constantly imagining the smothering thing on anyone and everyone and now I’m worried maybe it’s because I like it how is it normal to constantly test your self with those thoughts all the time and not feel guilty about it? All I’m focused on is testing myself but what if Im imagining it because I like it that’s another worry 😞

lu22

Date posted: 2y

I don’t even feel anymore like ‘oh I definitely wouldn’t do that’ now it feels like at some point I will do that and it feels like I actually want to do that and I don’t want to be bad but it feels like I want to do that smothering thing at the same time I don’t understand any of this but I jsut want it to stop

DanicaDanica

Date posted: 2y

I don't know how to stop it, but! You could tell yourself when you're thinking about it "Stop! This is bad, it is not good for me and the (other thing) . •••(add some other stuff) ." I've experienced this like everyday too, but I don't think it could stop so this is the best I could help you!

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

lu22

Date posted: 23w

No therapy, harm ocd need advice Asap please

I keep getting these horrible feelings come back that make me feel down or like my life isn’t the same. It feels almost like someone is holding you over the edge of a cliff and sometimes they pull you back and you feel safe and the next minute they dangle you back over and you feel like there is a big problem again. I feel like I can’t forget how it felt it made me feel like I’m actually evil and I wanted it and enjoyed it and I can’t be normal now. I feel like I don’t even know what I want. I try to forget and be normal but when I do it feels like how do I know I don’t actually want to be evil because it felt like that? And now it feels like what if that’s my true nature and I’m denying it and that makes me feel like well if I’m debating about whether I am or not maybe I actually do want it? I try to live normally but I can’t because I have ‘this’ problem. The thoughts were about stabbing and it felt like it was actually about to happen and I got this weird feeling that felt like I was suddenly really happy about it and discovered why evil people enjoy doing evil things and now I can’t get over that feeling emotion?? Because now I’m thinking how can I forget it felt like that?? And that feeling must still be there I’m jsut not looking for it like maybe if I sat there imagining those thoughts again maybe that feeling would come back ?? I don’t know what to do or who I am I don’t even know if I’m sad or if I’m worried or if I’m good or if I wanted that bad thing but that feeling has really affected me like I don’t know if I want to he evil or not and now I’m worried maybe I was impressed by that feeling what if I want that feeling again because it feels good what if because I felt like I was happy or enjoyed it now I want that again I’m so confused ?? What if evil people enjoy it and I’ve realised why they enjoy it and now I want that feeling again? I don’t know what to do

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