- Username
- BRoyTheNatural
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Sounds like all that pressure you put on yourself about how you were “supposed” to feel on the trip coupled with some triggering jokes is a pretty perfect storm for a backdoor spike to me! Maybe it ruined the last part of it. That’s okay! You can still feel good about most of the trip. And you can forgive yourself for your anxiety getting in the way of the last part. It happens. Our brains are weird. But it wasn’t your fault. And the best thing you can do right now is forgive yourself rather than dwell. I’d also highly recommend seeking out a therapist (specifically an Ocd specialist) if you can. It will certainly help give you more tools to tackle whatever is happening the right way.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! It’s really distressing to feel like your sexual orientation is somehow in flux. Since you’ve suffered from HOCD in the past, my instinct is to tell you to treat it the same as you did before. Relapses happen, anxiety happens, and you probably have to get back to work habituating to your fears and embracing uncertainty. Were you in therapy for it previously? Can you schedule an appointment with your old therapist? You’re not obnoxious and you don’t need to downplay your suffering when reaching out. What your feeling is valid and scary! I can’t tell you for sure it’s HOCD — that’s part of dealing with OCD: having to accept that we can’t know for certain anything really. You felt something different this time. Maybe it’s like all the other times you thought it felt different. Maybe it really is. I don’t want to provide reassurance either way because accepting that risk is important!
Were you particularly stressed last week? Do you remember ruminating about whether or not you were REALLY over it? Backdoor spikes happen for all kinds of reasons. I’m sure it feels real and regardless of if it is or not is fucking scary because it contradicts something you used to feel like you knew about yourself. OCD or not, it’s okay to have some weird feelings you don’t understand sometimes. It’s only a problem when you start worrying about it. Maybe you had a weird feeling, maybe it was OCD, either way: it’s fine to have felt what you did. Give yourself a little slack. Try to make peace with the world being a confusing and often undefinable place.
I know what HOCD feels like. This feels different
Man - I am not going to offer any reassurance to anybody here. It will only feed your OCD endlessly.
It doesn't matter who you like. Live your life! You don't have to know everything, and you can just say you're questioning. There's even a flag for just questioning!
I didn’t get therapy before I just got used to living with it, and got to the point where I was almost back to normal, for the last few months. But last week it just came back and it feels so real and I can’t tell if it is or not. I just don’t get how it’s possible to turn from hetero to bi or whatever just like that, especially after having HOCD! Super frustrating I was straight my whole life and loved it. I just don’t get it.
Yeah I’m afraid it’s well past time to get a therapist lol... anyways thank you so much for the help!
You can see a therapist at anytime. Things don’t change magically in an instant, unless you have intrusive thoughts causing this self-doubt.
No that is settled, go and live your valued life.
*Now
So... my HOCD was right ?
Probably
Who knows. You seem to be pretty convinced.
Probably you will never know for sure what you are but you will know what want - go and do what you want, what makes you happy.
There's also a sexuality that changes every once and a while. There's one for everything, so don't try to limit yourself! Just be you!
The sad thing is, I was on a road trip with friends that should’ve been super fun. But my friends can be very negative especially when we’re confined together for a long time, and I kind of got in my head (I also have depression), then I started worrying about if I was attracted to one of my friends. Not to mention, a great many insensitive homophobic jokes were made throughout.. alpha teens ya know. By and large the trip WAS awesome. I just wish this didn’t hang over my head for the last part of it..
Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.
This thing gets weirder and weirder I swear. I literally woke up, right. And my mind immediately went “What if you don’t have OCD? You’d just be really bi” and I went along pretending that I didn’t know about OCD and I was just experiencing denial. Then I scrolled on twitter and went on my friend’s page and then my mind went “why don’t you like her? There’s nothing wrong with her. I thought you were supposed to have a crush on her” Here’s the worst part in this: I’m now convinced that HOCD is a huge lie that I made up and it’s homophobic for me to suffer from this theme of OCD and label my “attractions” to the same sex as “bouts of anxiety.” Therefore, I’m not only a bad person, but a liar.
So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?
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