I’ve had HOCD for nearly 2 years now. For the last few months I had a pretty good handle on it. But last week it totally came back!... Except this time I am totally convinced it is real same-sex attraction and desires. This is terrible... one minute I was straight and the next, bi or gay. Like I just turned magically right like that. I don’t know if it’s real or not, because how could it be? How can you turn from straight to something else? And the worst thing is, the attraction was toward my good friend, with whom I’m rooming next year at college for freshman year! Sorry if I seem obnoxious. I cannot live like this

Sounds like all that pressure you put on yourself about how you were “supposed” to feel on the trip coupled with some triggering jokes is a pretty perfect storm for a backdoor spike to me! Maybe it ruined the last part of it. That’s okay! You can still feel good about most of the trip. And you can forgive yourself for your anxiety getting in the way of the last part. It happens. Our brains are weird. But it wasn’t your fault. And the best thing you can do right now is forgive yourself rather than dwell. I’d also highly recommend seeking out a therapist (specifically an Ocd specialist) if you can. It will certainly help give you more tools to tackle whatever is happening the right way.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! It’s really distressing to feel like your sexual orientation is somehow in flux. Since you’ve suffered from HOCD in the past, my instinct is to tell you to treat it the same as you did before. Relapses happen, anxiety happens, and you probably have to get back to work habituating to your fears and embracing uncertainty. Were you in therapy for it previously? Can you schedule an appointment with your old therapist? You’re not obnoxious and you don’t need to downplay your suffering when reaching out. What your feeling is valid and scary! I can’t tell you for sure it’s HOCD — that’s part of dealing with OCD: having to accept that we can’t know for certain anything really. You felt something different this time. Maybe it’s like all the other times you thought it felt different. Maybe it really is. I don’t want to provide reassurance either way because accepting that risk is important!

Were you particularly stressed last week? Do you remember ruminating about whether or not you were REALLY over it? Backdoor spikes happen for all kinds of reasons. I’m sure it feels real and regardless of if it is or not is fucking scary because it contradicts something you used to feel like you knew about yourself. OCD or not, it’s okay to have some weird feelings you don’t understand sometimes. It’s only a problem when you start worrying about it. Maybe you had a weird feeling, maybe it was OCD, either way: it’s fine to have felt what you did. Give yourself a little slack. Try to make peace with the world being a confusing and often undefinable place.

I know what HOCD feels like. This feels different

Man - I am not going to offer any reassurance to anybody here. It will only feed your OCD endlessly.

It doesn't matter who you like. Live your life! You don't have to know everything, and you can just say you're questioning. There's even a flag for just questioning!

I didn’t get therapy before I just got used to living with it, and got to the point where I was almost back to normal, for the last few months. But last week it just came back and it feels so real and I can’t tell if it is or not. I just don’t get how it’s possible to turn from hetero to bi or whatever just like that, especially after having HOCD! Super frustrating I was straight my whole life and loved it. I just don’t get it.

Yeah I’m afraid it’s well past time to get a therapist lol... anyways thank you so much for the help!

You can see a therapist at anytime. Things don’t change magically in an instant, unless you have intrusive thoughts causing this self-doubt.

No that is settled, go and live your valued life.

*Now

So... my HOCD was right ?

Probably

Who knows. You seem to be pretty convinced.

Probably you will never know for sure what you are but you will know what want - go and do what you want, what makes you happy.

There's also a sexuality that changes every once and a while. There's one for everything, so don't try to limit yourself! Just be you!

The sad thing is, I was on a road trip with friends that should’ve been super fun. But my friends can be very negative especially when we’re confined together for a long time, and I kind of got in my head (I also have depression), then I started worrying about if I was attracted to one of my friends. Not to mention, a great many insensitive homophobic jokes were made throughout.. alpha teens ya know. By and large the trip WAS awesome. I just wish this didn’t hang over my head for the last part of it..