- Username
- BRoyTheNatural
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Sounds like all that pressure you put on yourself about how you were “supposed” to feel on the trip coupled with some triggering jokes is a pretty perfect storm for a backdoor spike to me! Maybe it ruined the last part of it. That’s okay! You can still feel good about most of the trip. And you can forgive yourself for your anxiety getting in the way of the last part. It happens. Our brains are weird. But it wasn’t your fault. And the best thing you can do right now is forgive yourself rather than dwell. I’d also highly recommend seeking out a therapist (specifically an Ocd specialist) if you can. It will certainly help give you more tools to tackle whatever is happening the right way.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! It’s really distressing to feel like your sexual orientation is somehow in flux. Since you’ve suffered from HOCD in the past, my instinct is to tell you to treat it the same as you did before. Relapses happen, anxiety happens, and you probably have to get back to work habituating to your fears and embracing uncertainty. Were you in therapy for it previously? Can you schedule an appointment with your old therapist? You’re not obnoxious and you don’t need to downplay your suffering when reaching out. What your feeling is valid and scary! I can’t tell you for sure it’s HOCD — that’s part of dealing with OCD: having to accept that we can’t know for certain anything really. You felt something different this time. Maybe it’s like all the other times you thought it felt different. Maybe it really is. I don’t want to provide reassurance either way because accepting that risk is important!
Were you particularly stressed last week? Do you remember ruminating about whether or not you were REALLY over it? Backdoor spikes happen for all kinds of reasons. I’m sure it feels real and regardless of if it is or not is fucking scary because it contradicts something you used to feel like you knew about yourself. OCD or not, it’s okay to have some weird feelings you don’t understand sometimes. It’s only a problem when you start worrying about it. Maybe you had a weird feeling, maybe it was OCD, either way: it’s fine to have felt what you did. Give yourself a little slack. Try to make peace with the world being a confusing and often undefinable place.
I know what HOCD feels like. This feels different
Man - I am not going to offer any reassurance to anybody here. It will only feed your OCD endlessly.
It doesn't matter who you like. Live your life! You don't have to know everything, and you can just say you're questioning. There's even a flag for just questioning!
I didn’t get therapy before I just got used to living with it, and got to the point where I was almost back to normal, for the last few months. But last week it just came back and it feels so real and I can’t tell if it is or not. I just don’t get how it’s possible to turn from hetero to bi or whatever just like that, especially after having HOCD! Super frustrating I was straight my whole life and loved it. I just don’t get it.
Yeah I’m afraid it’s well past time to get a therapist lol... anyways thank you so much for the help!
You can see a therapist at anytime. Things don’t change magically in an instant, unless you have intrusive thoughts causing this self-doubt.
No that is settled, go and live your valued life.
*Now
So... my HOCD was right ?
Probably
Who knows. You seem to be pretty convinced.
Probably you will never know for sure what you are but you will know what want - go and do what you want, what makes you happy.
There's also a sexuality that changes every once and a while. There's one for everything, so don't try to limit yourself! Just be you!
The sad thing is, I was on a road trip with friends that should’ve been super fun. But my friends can be very negative especially when we’re confined together for a long time, and I kind of got in my head (I also have depression), then I started worrying about if I was attracted to one of my friends. Not to mention, a great many insensitive homophobic jokes were made throughout.. alpha teens ya know. By and large the trip WAS awesome. I just wish this didn’t hang over my head for the last part of it..
So looks like I’ve hit a wall I haven’t hit ever with this ocd. If you can even call it ocd. I genuinely feel confused. Idk what’s real or not. Idk what my mind or body wants. I feel so stressed out. My thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore and sometimes it genuinely feels like I want it and I’m just hiding it. I don’t get it. I even lost attraction to this girl I was madly interested in. I don’t know what to do anymore really. I see any dude and my mind automatically starts thinking “you’re attracted to him” literally every single guy I see. I’m not even kidding. I really don’t get what’s going on with me. I haven’t been diagnosed yet because there are no ocd specialists in my area. My mom told me once she thinks she has ocd and my aunt as well. But their ocd seems more like the “traditional” type of ocd where you can actually see their compulsions. I think I struggled from Religious ocd a few years back. Also with my ex girlfriend there was a period where I struggled with ROCD I believe but got over it. Now Hocd has definitely been the worst and what makes it worse is that I actually had a gay experience but even after that I didn’t question my sexuality. I maybe would get the ocasional “you’re gay” thought but wouldn’t pay it attention and it just went away. But now it just can’t leave my head. This has been going on since February. I used to be crazy for women, don’t know what’s wrong with me. I even had sex with the girl I really like about 2 weeks ago and really enjoyed it! But now my attraction for her seemingly disappeared out of nowhere when this hocd bull starts acting up again. I’m so tired of this.
So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?
I had Tocd and now it has turned into HOCD. But this HOCD is…complicated? I’m Asexual Panromantic, so i love everyone. However, OCD has been telling me i’m actually a lesbian and that my attraction to men/anyone who identifies as a man is false and i’d be happier with a woman. The thing is, I always leaned on men. Like i prefered men. But i didn’t mind women. But i was more of a men type of pansexual. I was always certain on my sexuality, but now it keeps telling me i’m a lesbian and that i should stop loving men but i know i’m not a lesbian…? Idk this just feels like denial but i know it’s OCD up to it’s tricks. It’s just annoying.
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