- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
Sounds like all that pressure you put on yourself about how you were “supposed” to feel on the trip coupled with some triggering jokes is a pretty perfect storm for a backdoor spike to me! Maybe it ruined the last part of it. That’s okay! You can still feel good about most of the trip. And you can forgive yourself for your anxiety getting in the way of the last part. It happens. Our brains are weird. But it wasn’t your fault. And the best thing you can do right now is forgive yourself rather than dwell. I’d also highly recommend seeking out a therapist (specifically an Ocd specialist) if you can. It will certainly help give you more tools to tackle whatever is happening the right way.
- Date posted
- 6y
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! It’s really distressing to feel like your sexual orientation is somehow in flux. Since you’ve suffered from HOCD in the past, my instinct is to tell you to treat it the same as you did before. Relapses happen, anxiety happens, and you probably have to get back to work habituating to your fears and embracing uncertainty. Were you in therapy for it previously? Can you schedule an appointment with your old therapist? You’re not obnoxious and you don’t need to downplay your suffering when reaching out. What your feeling is valid and scary! I can’t tell you for sure it’s HOCD — that’s part of dealing with OCD: having to accept that we can’t know for certain anything really. You felt something different this time. Maybe it’s like all the other times you thought it felt different. Maybe it really is. I don’t want to provide reassurance either way because accepting that risk is important!
- Date posted
- 6y
Were you particularly stressed last week? Do you remember ruminating about whether or not you were REALLY over it? Backdoor spikes happen for all kinds of reasons. I’m sure it feels real and regardless of if it is or not is fucking scary because it contradicts something you used to feel like you knew about yourself. OCD or not, it’s okay to have some weird feelings you don’t understand sometimes. It’s only a problem when you start worrying about it. Maybe you had a weird feeling, maybe it was OCD, either way: it’s fine to have felt what you did. Give yourself a little slack. Try to make peace with the world being a confusing and often undefinable place.
- Date posted
- 6y
I know what HOCD feels like. This feels different
- Date posted
- 6y
Man - I am not going to offer any reassurance to anybody here. It will only feed your OCD endlessly.
- Date posted
- 6y
It doesn't matter who you like. Live your life! You don't have to know everything, and you can just say you're questioning. There's even a flag for just questioning!
- Date posted
- 6y
I didn’t get therapy before I just got used to living with it, and got to the point where I was almost back to normal, for the last few months. But last week it just came back and it feels so real and I can’t tell if it is or not. I just don’t get how it’s possible to turn from hetero to bi or whatever just like that, especially after having HOCD! Super frustrating I was straight my whole life and loved it. I just don’t get it.
- Date posted
- 6y
Yeah I’m afraid it’s well past time to get a therapist lol... anyways thank you so much for the help!
- Date posted
- 6y
You can see a therapist at anytime. Things don’t change magically in an instant, unless you have intrusive thoughts causing this self-doubt.
- Date posted
- 6y
No that is settled, go and live your valued life.
- Date posted
- 6y
*Now
- Date posted
- 6y
So... my HOCD was right ?
- Date posted
- 6y
Probably
- Date posted
- 6y
Who knows. You seem to be pretty convinced.
- Date posted
- 6y
Probably you will never know for sure what you are but you will know what want - go and do what you want, what makes you happy.
- Date posted
- 6y
There's also a sexuality that changes every once and a while. There's one for everything, so don't try to limit yourself! Just be you!
- Date posted
- 6y
The sad thing is, I was on a road trip with friends that should’ve been super fun. But my friends can be very negative especially when we’re confined together for a long time, and I kind of got in my head (I also have depression), then I started worrying about if I was attracted to one of my friends. Not to mention, a great many insensitive homophobic jokes were made throughout.. alpha teens ya know. By and large the trip WAS awesome. I just wish this didn’t hang over my head for the last part of it..
Related posts
- Date posted
- 14w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
- Date posted
- 11w
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
- Date posted
- 11w
I don’t know if it’s SOOCD. I no longer feel anxious in the moment when I think about women, and it’s like my imagination wants me to think about it and get aroused. I don’t want to be gay, but maybe I am after all. In my life I haven’t been so sexually driven before (when I was living with a man, or when being single) but now all I can think about is having sex with a woman. I don’t want to, but somehow my body does and it feels like my mind have changed to accept it to.. feel so sad This all started around 4 weeks ago..
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