- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Sounds like all that pressure you put on yourself about how you were “supposed” to feel on the trip coupled with some triggering jokes is a pretty perfect storm for a backdoor spike to me! Maybe it ruined the last part of it. That’s okay! You can still feel good about most of the trip. And you can forgive yourself for your anxiety getting in the way of the last part. It happens. Our brains are weird. But it wasn’t your fault. And the best thing you can do right now is forgive yourself rather than dwell. I’d also highly recommend seeking out a therapist (specifically an Ocd specialist) if you can. It will certainly help give you more tools to tackle whatever is happening the right way.
- Date posted
- 5y
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! It’s really distressing to feel like your sexual orientation is somehow in flux. Since you’ve suffered from HOCD in the past, my instinct is to tell you to treat it the same as you did before. Relapses happen, anxiety happens, and you probably have to get back to work habituating to your fears and embracing uncertainty. Were you in therapy for it previously? Can you schedule an appointment with your old therapist? You’re not obnoxious and you don’t need to downplay your suffering when reaching out. What your feeling is valid and scary! I can’t tell you for sure it’s HOCD — that’s part of dealing with OCD: having to accept that we can’t know for certain anything really. You felt something different this time. Maybe it’s like all the other times you thought it felt different. Maybe it really is. I don’t want to provide reassurance either way because accepting that risk is important!
- Date posted
- 5y
Were you particularly stressed last week? Do you remember ruminating about whether or not you were REALLY over it? Backdoor spikes happen for all kinds of reasons. I’m sure it feels real and regardless of if it is or not is fucking scary because it contradicts something you used to feel like you knew about yourself. OCD or not, it’s okay to have some weird feelings you don’t understand sometimes. It’s only a problem when you start worrying about it. Maybe you had a weird feeling, maybe it was OCD, either way: it’s fine to have felt what you did. Give yourself a little slack. Try to make peace with the world being a confusing and often undefinable place.
- Date posted
- 5y
I know what HOCD feels like. This feels different
- Date posted
- 5y
Man - I am not going to offer any reassurance to anybody here. It will only feed your OCD endlessly.
- Date posted
- 5y
It doesn't matter who you like. Live your life! You don't have to know everything, and you can just say you're questioning. There's even a flag for just questioning!
- Date posted
- 5y
I didn’t get therapy before I just got used to living with it, and got to the point where I was almost back to normal, for the last few months. But last week it just came back and it feels so real and I can’t tell if it is or not. I just don’t get how it’s possible to turn from hetero to bi or whatever just like that, especially after having HOCD! Super frustrating I was straight my whole life and loved it. I just don’t get it.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I’m afraid it’s well past time to get a therapist lol... anyways thank you so much for the help!
- Date posted
- 5y
You can see a therapist at anytime. Things don’t change magically in an instant, unless you have intrusive thoughts causing this self-doubt.
- Date posted
- 5y
No that is settled, go and live your valued life.
- Date posted
- 5y
*Now
- Date posted
- 5y
So... my HOCD was right ?
- Date posted
- 5y
Probably
- Date posted
- 5y
Who knows. You seem to be pretty convinced.
- Date posted
- 5y
Probably you will never know for sure what you are but you will know what want - go and do what you want, what makes you happy.
- Date posted
- 5y
There's also a sexuality that changes every once and a while. There's one for everything, so don't try to limit yourself! Just be you!
- Date posted
- 5y
The sad thing is, I was on a road trip with friends that should’ve been super fun. But my friends can be very negative especially when we’re confined together for a long time, and I kind of got in my head (I also have depression), then I started worrying about if I was attracted to one of my friends. Not to mention, a great many insensitive homophobic jokes were made throughout.. alpha teens ya know. By and large the trip WAS awesome. I just wish this didn’t hang over my head for the last part of it..
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
- Date posted
- 11w
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
- Date posted
- 11w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
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