Help 😭 harm ocd

In genuinely feel like I jsut don’t know how to deal with all of this, like I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. I have been worrying because when I imagined the thought on purpose to test myself (it’s a smothering thought) it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and the first time I ‘tested’ myself with a thought I was round my auntie house and she has these huge pillows in her house and I kept having intrusive thoughts but then jsut felt like unwanted intrusive thoughts but it was bothering me so I tested myself with the thought and I got anxiety but it felt like I liked the feeling of imagining doing that and that I knew how it felt to do that (squash someone’s face with a pillow stop them from breathing) (sorry sounds horrible) but I’ve been obsessing over it and worrying because it feels like I like the feeling and I’m worrying it feels good to do that and I’ve hidden all the pillows in my houses and during the day I can’t even spend time In my room with my mum because there are pillows in there and I’ve come somewhere with my mum now and there is this huge pillow and I feel like I don’t know why (this will sound horrible) but I keep thinking I have to imagine it and I got this horrible thought that with a bigger pillow doing that smothering thing will feel ‘good’ but I don’t know I jsut feel confused and I’m believing it and as soon as I got that thought and was worrying about the big pillow I’m thinking there jsut definitely be something wrong with me how can I think that? How can it come to my head that ‘it would feel good’ to do that since it’s a bigger pillow?’ And I don’t know if that’s because the first time I imaginined it the pillow was huge and I got a lot of anxiety but felt like I liked the feeling of imagining smothering someone and it feels like I know how it feels to do that. And my head was tempting me to imagine the thought of smothering after I saw that huge pillow but I just came on here to write this because it’s obviously wrong to keep imagining that and I’m just worried but not worried enough to know I’m not evil, and after ruminating a lot I’ve chosen to try and ignore it but it’s so difficult like extremely every time I see a pillow I feel like I HAVE to imagine that smothering thing like it’s become a habit and I feel like i have to test myself I never get an answer as to whether I hate it and instead feels like it could ‘feel good’ to do that and I don’t want to be evil but I’m worried that maybe that feeling of ‘liking the feeling’ will take over and I will actually do that or that maybe I secretly do want to and like the feeling? On one hand I feel anxious and like I don’t like the thoughts and on the other hand it feels like i like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s awful I don’t know what to do I feel like I can’t live like this how can I live life and in the back of my head be thinking ‘it feels good to do that’ that means I could be evil at anytime and I’m worried I’m trying to pick myself up and forget but this time it seems a lot harder to do that, like it’s more sticky this time and feels more real and like there’s no hope. And I also get this horrible thing where it feels like I might be ‘excited’ or ‘happy’ or want to ‘smile’ over the thoughts or certain bad situations like this morning I was ruminating and I had a really horrible thought but it felt like I might be ‘happy’ or ‘excited’ over it and I was thinking omg what is wrong with me why does it feel like that and basically the thought was me imagining a scenario someone has a kid and wants me to look after/watch over the kid and then I decide to be evil and then I don’t know if it’s the anxiety or adrenaline but it felt like I was ‘happy’ over that thought and I heard online that anxiety and excited feelings can feel the same so maybe I’m confused? I feel like im faking everything it feels like now I like the feeling of doing that and I’m jsut postponing or recently I’ve been worrying maybe there are things I want to do in life or other things that make me happy that’s why I’m postponing being evil? I read this horrible post online i regret reading things on the quora page thingy I was looking up about intrusive thoughts but it seemed like there was actually a sick person on there and they were saying they have ‘evil desires’ but they just relieve them by drawing out there evil desires and it’s because they have things they want to do in life but if there evil they won’t be able to do those things so now I’m worried what if I’m like that I use any opportunity to compare myself to an evil person. I jsut feel like I’m lying because every time it feels like the thoughts could actually happen or like an ‘urge’ and now that it’s backed up with I ‘like the feeling’ it makes it even more real and makes it feel like I actually ‘want’ to do that and would enjoy it and I’m scared. I think doing something with my life might help like getting a job, I’ve applied for college but I’m worried I’m evil and I have nothing to do all day so have loads of time to ruminate I feel Like that’s why my ocd got so bad in the first place. I don’t know what to do I try and pray but still feel like that feeling of liking the feeling is true because it feels extremely reaL like I would actually like the feeling of doing that

nutt3r

Date posted: 2y

hey, I'm dealing with harm OCD too and it is terrible, especially when around family, so cruel. i just had an absolutely torturous couple of days. anyway, I'm still here despite that... couple of things i noticed in your post - you're trying to get certainty around the "urge" and whether you like it, etc. you will never know. there is no way to know. it's so hard but you just have to stop the certainty seeking as much as you can. there are going go be urges and impulses and psycho somatic manifestations and all that shit anxiety creates. and I'm not saying that to reassure you, even though it might. I once thought I had an STD and had a pain in my testicles that lasted for a month. After I got an ultrasound scan and was all clear, the pain vanished, within an hour. so, not to reassure you, again, but the mind does manifest in the body. I gotta plenty of other examples over the years from OCD... so anyway, try to drop the certainty seeking and the testing stuff too, that is shit. take a day or two to recover from the extreme anxiety, like I am trying to do, and start doing some ERP, if you are not already... wishing you well. you're definitely not alone :)

whitneyx

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hey there, I’m going through the same thing as you are! I feel like Im a terrible person too because I’m worried how I would feel if I were to cause harm. Or im scared im a dangerous person and that I’m just in denial. What the person before me said is right. We have to accept uncertainty despite how uncomfortable it is and how terrible we feel day in and day out.We are in this together <3

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Help 😭 harm ocd

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