I don’t know anymore harm ocd

I hate being home because that’s where my intrusive thoughts are the worst but being out is a problem as well because of my social anxiety especially if I don’t have makeup on I could start crying at the thought of people seeing me without it I’ve struggled with the way I look for a very long time and obsessed over it I don’t know if that’s anything to do with ocd but I just haven’t liked the way I look and just now I got into an argument with my mum because, I feel uncomfortable being home by myself because we have cats and when I have intrusive thoughts I just don’t want to be at home, so I came with her to her part time job and I was going to wait in the car, I didn’t have any makeup on either because we rushed out the house but where she was going to park the car was on a busy street with loads of people constantly walking past and I felt so uncomfortable sitting there where people can see me especially since I didn’t have makeup on and even when I have makeup on I still can’t lift my head up when people are walking past so most times when I’m sat in the car waiting for my mum my neck starts hurting so bad and I get a headache because for a few hours I’m sat in the car with my head facing down looking at my phone because I’m too uncomfortable to look up when people are walking past the car. We started arguing and then my mum said some things that are now bothering me. So I was really upset and angry and she said ‘why didn’t you just stay home’ - this made me angry because she knows how uncomfortable I am and basically feel like I can’t be home alone, because of harm ocd, so out of anger I shouted and said ‘what am I going to stay home for, to kill something?’ Because the intrusive thoughts and urges are so bad and she knows that but is still asking me why I didn’t stay home alone, I basically have to follow my mum around all day because I’m worried about being alone with my cats. And then she replied ‘yeah stay home, if anything happens you will go to jail’ ‘don’t think I would cover it up, I’m not going to harbour a criminal in my house’ when I heard that it felt like my heart sank, it felt so real what she was saying and this isn’t the first time she’s said something like that, sometimes she would say ‘what gives you the right to take someone’s life’ when I would tell her how real the thoughts felt and it felt like I was like one of those serial killers getting interviewed/questioned by the detectives/police/judge. It makes this problem feel like it’s not ocd and it’s actually me. The ironic thing is my mum was always over protective and stopped me from doing anything and everything, I wasn’t even allowed to take a bus to school or to go out with my friends or even on school trips she would guilt trip me about going and to this day I still haven’t been anywhere by myself, I’m 20 and still immature and unable to do anything, well I guess now my mums got what she wanted, now I don’t want to do anything by myself now I feel like I can only rely on her and can’t be independent because I’m worried about harm ocd. We always use to get into arguments because she would never let me do anything and now I feel like I can’t do anything because of harm ocd and social anxiety. The other day a family member suggested I learn how to drive and instantly my mind starts thinking ‘what if you drive somewhere and be evil’ ‘those evil people knew how to drive and they went and dumped bodies somewhere’ ‘better to not know how to drive in case your evil and commit a crime and use the car to hide the evidence’ what a joke my life has turned out to be, I’m only 20 and this is how things are. Last night I was downstairs in my house on my treadmill, trying to exercise because I ‘felt fat’ and feel ugly, and I was already uncomfortable because I’m by myself with the cats and then all of a sudden I was in the treadmill and it felt like an urge to act on the intrusive thoughts (it’s about smothering) and it felt like ‘I know how it feels to do that and I like the feeling of doing that’ and It felt like I was fighting against a real ‘urge’ Anyways so this morning I wake up feeling horrible because of last night it felt so real and made me feel like I dodged a bullet and that could have actually happened since it felt like I liked the feeling and this morning I woke up and went to lie on the sofa and stayed there for a few hours and finally got up and started crying because I’m worried and if felt real and even though I’m crying it still feels like it’s true 😞

efa

Date posted: 2y

It's your ocd playing tricks on you that's why it feels like it's true but it's not you it's ocd

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@efa It’s just awful

efa

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 It is awful and the hell ocd puts us through everyday is so unfair but we are more than our ocd,we can overcome this and help each other to do so. You are not alone remember that

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@efa It’s just so scary when it feels like it’s about to happen, that honestly scars me after and I feel like omg it could have happened 😞

efa

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Yes I feel this too like I have done some harm and not realised it or without remembering it,it feels like torture thinking I could be capable of hurting someone I love

peskybee

Date posted: 2y

I’m sorry you have to go through this I relate a lot and it is so mentally exhausting and convinces you you are a bad person. You are loved and know this is just silly thoughts ocd gives us. It’s especially hard when it makes you feel like you enjoy the idea of the urges my intrusive thoughts convince me that I’m going to jail and I am going to or have done something awful to someone I love. Ocd is the worst.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@peskybee I never thought I would ever go through something like this or be having conversations of this nature with anyone it’s so strange and horrible

peskybee

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 It is my lovely but we will push through this 🩵 thank you for posting this it makes me feel less alone

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@peskybee I hope so, it feels like my ocd is the worst it’s been, I feel so confused and hopeless

peskybee

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 It makes me so depressed and down cause my brain convinces me I’m better off dead to make sure what my ocd tells me never happens

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Thejollygian...

Date posted: 23w

My Harm OCD

Basically long story short, ive been dealing with anxiety for a very long time all my life I'm 23 now but about 5 months ago my anxiety started to get really and I overthink a ton and get worried to easily. So my chest hurt for a while from stress at work made me worry why it was hurting, then me worrying and thinking worse case scenarios was making it worse. So i and to go to the doctor and got diagnosed properly with anxiety and I have a med now that I take when I really need it called hydroxyzine but I also have another med that is Zoloft that I have been taking for a about a month now, to help with my intrusive thoughts I have sometimes i only get them when im stressed or when I'm by myself or when i just overthink in general, my loneliness depression is one of the reasons for my anxiety because I wish I had someone as in partner wise to love me and for me to love them. But anyways I've had intrusive thoughts about possibly hurting myself and family, or even my dog. Ive never acted on any of my thoughts in the past and I don't want to but I have had anxiety attacks when everything feels to real and really scares me. I constantly have the thought of am I crazy or am I becoming crazy and stuff and I've done a lot of looking stuff in the past about symptoms but most of them are identical to what anxiety is so it's hard to tell the difference. It's been probably 2 weeks since we last talked. I've been mostly doing good. But I just was wondering if had a little Harm OCD intrusive thought happen yesterday that targeted my Aunt at work she was complaining all day and when it got closer to the end of the shifts for us. I was already annoyed with a situation that happened earlier in the work day. But she came into my department and then went back over to hers and I said it out loud to myself and said you better get back over there or I'll, I tried to say something else because the word I was going to say was kill you. Obviously I don't but that's what my intrusive thought wanted me to say. And made me think thats why i got to hurt her to stop her complaing So the rest of the night I was saying she is safe I am safe I'm control, like this is just anxiety lying to you, it's just because I'm tired and got annoyed earlier. I can't tell if it was working or not because I was so tired and just wanted to go home. But after work her and I spent time together at our house she was on the one couch and I was on the other with a bunch of our dogs in the living room. I tried to keep my mind off of what happened, and I was fighting some stomach achyness already. But I obviously don't want to hurt her and we had conversations just fine. But I went to my other aunt house at night after work to go to bed because she has to watch my aunts dogs because my other aunt and family is on vacation. But anyways I'm trying to get over that word Kill, that word is what is scarring me and sticking. Like my anxiety is lying saying kill, or basically do harm. I don't want to do anything bad but I'm trying to shake that feeling and stickiness of that word. I'm just so scared and worried.

flowerpetals

Date posted: 22w

frustrating

harm ocd is the bane of my existence. people always tell me that if you have anxiety over a thought, that’s ocd. and these intrusive thoughts cause me IMMENSE anxiety. i’m constantly looking for reasons why i’m not what these thoughts tell me i am. but WHY DOES IT FEEL SO REAL?? it’s like i can’t reassure myself that this isn’t me and i don’t want to do it, but i also look for reasons why it’s not me. my brain is constantly telling me “if you don’t act on this, you’ll never feel free”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT?? and why does it feel real?? anytime i think about getting therapy, i constantly think that it’s not going to help me positively but help me realize i am this person. i just wish someone with harm ocd could get into my brain, understand me, and tell me everything will be okay. i wish someone in recovery could tell me that they’ve been where i am, felt the same feelings, thought the same thoughts, and got through it when they thought they wouldn’t. i feel like i’m drowning in it. another thing is i think about how my mom knows a surface level understanding to this form of my ocd, but if she knew it all, i’m scared she’d never look at me the same. i’m scared she’d be scared of me and think i need psychiatric help. IM TERRIFIED.

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I don’t know anymore harm ocd

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