Feels really real harm ocd

So last night I was having intrusive thoughts about this serial killer and that he might suddenly be around the corner or in a different room or might kill me lol and I got scared (i was downstairs alone) so I went up to bed and then the harm ocd starts, I share a room with my mum and she was already asleep and before I went to bed I deliberately imagined the intrusive thought (about smothering) to check to see if I’m evil, this time it felt like I wouldn’t want to do that (a lot of times it feels like I like the feeling of imagining doing that😞) so I got in the bed and started fluffing up my pillow and all of a sudden it felt like touching the pillow made me feel like that could smothering thing could suddenly happen or that I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ when I picked up the pillow and it just felt like it was about to happen and I ‘liked the feeling’ so then I went to lay down and then I was still not sure about how real it felt so then I got up to fluff my pillow up again to check to see how I felt and if it actually felt like when I fluff my pillow up that I ‘liked the feeling and want to do that’ so I fluffed it up again and it felt the same and then I tapped my mum and woke her up to tell her about it and how real it feels and then I eventually went to sleep after laying there thinking about the situation and feeling uneasy. But I’m not feeling extremely guilty about it or extremely worried but it is bothering me, on one hand I’m crying about my cat that’s old, In case something bad happens to him and on the other hand it feels like I like the feeling do smothering (feels like I know how it feels to do that and like the feeling, of squashing someone face with the pillow and stopping them from breathing) I don’t know what to do, I don’t like feeling like a criminal one minute and normal the next, all day when Im out I feel a lot happier for the most part and like Im not evil and as soon as I come home I’m evil, and feel like I have to test myself and check and I get those horrible moments where it feels like something is genuinely about to happen. It actually feels like ‘I like the feeling do doing that) and like an urge and at the same time feels like I don’t like it but the ‘don’t like it’ doesn’t feel strong enough to know I hate it, the other day I kept getting the feeling that these thoughts were disgusting but now it doesn’t feel like that I just feel confused 😞

Fiskfkgo12

Date posted: 2y

I’ve seen you posting here for few times lately about the same topic. I think that acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) combined with ERP methods would benefit you. The starting point is to think that things are the way they are, and they will be eventually the way they will be. So why to waste energy on thinking what does our intrusive emotions and thoughts mean about us since we literally can’t be sure about it. Acceptance of the POSSIBILITY of yourself being evil is the key here.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Tuke I tried doing therapy on nocd but I didn’t find it benefited me, also I don’t like that when I reach out to my therapist that they’re not supportive and was telling me to go to the hospital if it worsen but provided no advice for me. It seems I’ve gotten in to a habit of constantly imagining the thoughts to check how I feel and test myself, like it’s become a really bad habit I do it all the time and it feels like I have to check because there doubt is there so I have to imagine it to check to see if it feels like I ‘like the feeling’

Fiskfkgo12

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I feel you. Don’t try to chase any emotion, it may success temporarily but chasing an emotion means that you let your brain register the intrusive emotions as threats which means that your OCD will end up bringing you the doubt + the intrusive emotion as long and you don’t attach any meaning to it. It totally is a bad habit as you said, there’s so much more potential to you behind all of this rumination you do.

Fiskfkgo12

Date posted: 2y

@Tuke As long as*

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Tuke I know that when I’ve forgotten about that feeling and thoughts I feel so much happier and better and thinking about it causes me a lot of stress and worry but it feels so real to the point I’m actually believing it like I’ve got it in my head now that i like the feeling and that one day it might happen and I don’t want to do that and it’s just scary and horrible but feels like because I’m believing it so much that I can’t forget about it

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I agree .

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

intrusive thought are the opposite of your morals , remember that. and I’ve had these thoughts too. you were triggered and that caused it , when I have them I feel so hopeless and guilty and scared of what I’m capable of :(

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Feels really real harm ocd

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community