Has anyone experienced this?

Has this ever happened to anywhere where you pick up an object (maybe an object that’s caused you distress) and you had an intrusive thought at the same time or deliberately imagined an intrusive thought but because your holding the object it makes it seem ever more real like that ‘could have happened’ or if it feels like an urge and your holding an object it feels ever more real, I’ve been worrying about it all day. I’ve been stuck on ruminating about these ‘smothering thoughts’ and last night I went to go to sleep and I picked up my pillow to fluff it up and my mum was sleeping next to me and as I picked up the pillow I was aware of the intrusive thought and then I deliberately imagined the smothering thing about my mum while holding the pillow and it made it seem more real like I would actually do that or like the feeling of doing that and now all day I’ve been worrying about it because I’m worried I’m evil and would do that or could have done that or in the future will. When I went through a faze where I was scared of being around sharp objects I couldn’t even pick up a knife because it as scared I would suddenly lash out on an ‘urge’ 😖🙁

Brooklyn_99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Yeah I’ve been where you are. It’s cause we’ve conditioned ourselves to worry. So we expect the thoughts to happen and if they don’t, we look for them. It happens to me all the time. Another trick OCD has in its bag. Pay it no attention. Ruminating is a HUGE compulsion. I struggle with it too. But remember it’s a compulsion and we’re not supposed to be doing compulsions. I know how scary it is to not think about this stuff. It’s almost like you have to worry about it or else it will happen. But that’s not the case. OCD wants you to ruminate. It wants you stuck. It wants you constantly searching for certainty. There is no intrusive thought, no intrusive feeling or emotion that pops up that you will be able to find an answer to. Acknowledge it without picking at it and searching it. I can catch myself when I start to ruminate and I say to myself “ FUCK YOU OCD, I’m not going to give you what you want”. And it helps me stop. It draws that line in my brain. Or I say “ come at me OCD, I’ll kick your ass”. Keep trying to break away from your thinking loops. Remember. Your OCD, thoughts and emotions are not special. If you’ve thought it or felt it. Thousands of other people have as well. You are not alone in your struggle. Keep being brave. Keep fighting.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Brooklyn_99 Thank you for this, I do go looking for the thoughts on purpose but now I’m believing it’s because I like the feeling of doing that and I’m having the thoughts because maybe I like it 😞 but I feel really scared now that that situation will happen again where it will feel like I’m about to ‘act on it’ and I’m worried because i test myself mentally a lot by deliberately having the thoughts but now I’m worried I will test myself by picking up the pillow and seeing if I’m evil but it was so horrible and scary and felt so real and I was down today because of it 😞 I really don’t want to do that again but I’m worried I will try and test myself 😞😞

Brooklyn_99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Remember your in control. The OCD is not. You may do that you may not. You have to cut that rumination off when it starts. Tell your OCD “ I’m NOT going to give you what you want”. It wants you to trip balls constantly. It wants you to question yourself and search for answers. You will get thru these emotions and thoughts. They will pass and your ocd will move onto something else like it always does. You can be brave. You are capable of overcoming OCD and making a full recovery. It won’t be easy but you need to FIGHT for yourself. No one else will. You need to pick up your tools and get to work. You can do this. Remember who you are. Don’t let the OCD tell you how to think and feel anymore. Your in charge. Your in control. You are BRAVE. Trust yourself and start saying NO to the OCD. Do not be silent. This is a time for taking charge of your life. You need to take it back! If you need someone to talk too or need some other advice. Add me on Snapchat. My user is djbridgewashere. I’m always looking to make more OCD friends. DONT let OCD make you forget who you are. ❤️

Aphid123

Date posted: 25w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

Anonymousssssss

Date posted: 24w

Help

I deal pretty heavily with this. The last couple days, I’ve had what I think are urges. Something pops into my head intrusively and then what stems from that is me WANTING to just indulge in it even though it’s gross. I get worried bc I used to struggle w thoughts about my dad for a long time until eventually I just purposely thought of him while self pleasuring and got off to it. While that’s something I did, it is NOT me. It all stemmed from my mental health declining a couple years back, I was never this way before. So I get worried that it almost happened or might happen with my pocd cuz I could never live with myself if it did.

Holl1

Date posted: 21w

Urge?

Earlier I had what felt like an urge but I’m not sure. I’ve had urges before but this felt different as the object was in front of me (not intentional btw) , I’ve been quite stressed lately and my OCD is latching on to that. I had an urge to harm and within that I had like 2/3 intrusive images that came to mind, I couldn’t rationalise with it, I felt “stuck” when I came out of it I felt scared immediately was trying to work out why I’d even think of doing that & was very upset. A while after I keep getting thoughts like “say your goodbyes it won’t be long until you act out” I cried to my boyfriend and told him everything. How do I know if this was intent vs intrusive urge?

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