- Date posted
- 2y
Help, it’s gotten worse 😞
It feels like my life is over, it feels like I now like the feeling of smothering someone because when I imagined it to ‘test’ myself on an intrusive thought it feels like now I like the feeling of smothering someone and that it would feel good to squash someone with a pillow till they stop breathing. I feel really tired I have a migraine last night I felt like I was about to have a heart attack I kept imagining the smothering thought over and over because my brain wouldn’t let me fall asleep until it felt like ‘I didn’t like the feeling of imagining doing that’ so I kept imagining it and in the end I jsut had to go to sleep regardless but then I kept feeling like I was getting this feeling in my heart like something bad would happen like anxiety coming all of a sudden and it would make my heart feel weird and then it would go and come again …is that palpitations? It kept coming like a whoosh of idk anxiety in chest but would feel like my heart was affected and something bad would happen the o started getting acid coming up my throat. I feel terrible. Sometimes I imagine the through and it feels like I get anxiety and shudders and wouldn’t want to do that. But yesterday I was sat and home with my mum and all of a sudden it felt like an urge or that I wanted to do that smothering thought about my mum and it was coming to me really strongly that i liked the feeling of imagining doing that, squashing her face with a pillow till she stops breathing (I’m cringing while writing this that sound so horrible) I’m sorry this sounds disgusting but it feels so real I don’t believe this can be fake??? It felt so real that it would feel ‘good’ to do thag and I don’t know what to do I feel exhausted I feel so incredibly down and angry and sad and everything I keep getting really angry and shouting, like I’m taking it out on other people and arguing because I don’t know what to do or why I’m going through this, before I sue to be able to jsut forget about it but now I feel like I can’t because what’s the point of forgetting when it still feels like I like the feeling of doing that?? How can I forget it? The sick feeling of liking how it feels to do that is still there and now if I forget about it when I remember it or stet ruminating I take that as ‘me wanting to do it’ because I’m not trying hard enough to forget about it and keep going back to it, if I really hated it I would be doing everything to forget about it but here I am constantly thinking about it and believing I’m bad and like it so it must be true and I don’t trust myself and I feel so awful i thought things were getting better but there not what am I suppose to do ? How am I suppose to get rid of that feeling? I feel like that’s the only way I can live normally is if that feeling went and felt like I didn’t like the feeling of doing that, I try to ignore it but I keep getting caught up in that feeling because of feels real, and the fact that it feels like I like the feeling of doing that or that there’s and element of it that could feel good is awful and now I’m thinking I’m a evil person who gets a good feeling out of stopping someone from breathing and it’s awful. When I’m not anxious it feels like I like the feeling of doing that but when I am anxious or feeling down about this problem it feels like I don’t like it and get shudders over it why?