Im not gay right??? Ive done erp before and it was going well but something big happened and now im wondering when i did erp i was afraid and didn't feel a attraction to girls (i have hocd)

Just thought I’d share my story so far with you all and maybe see if anyone’s had similar stuff :) I had been completely straight my whole life. I’m 18 now but had had multiple girlfriends who I was very much into. I was never into guys. I was very stressed for my exams and ended up going to see Bohemian Rhapsody with some friends to chill. After seeing heaps of gay-Esque things in the film the thought popped into my head “what if I’m gay or bi” and then that’s when it started. (This was 3 months ago) I then found myself unable to hang out with my guy friends because every time I saw them I would get anxious I was attracted to them. I moved past this but I’m still constantly having an internal reasoning battle with myself about wether or not I’m into men. I then noticed a huge lack in sex drive towards women as well which scared me because being into women was a huge part of me. I have never been aroused by or enjoyed thinking about men sexually or romantically though this is what the intrusive thoughts were. This leads me to my main point which is porn. I was a heavy porn user before the ocd and I was starting to find Normal straight porn not as good. I had been watching more kinky shit eg step sibling stuff etc. I have watched gay porn multiple times since the HOCD. **potential trigger/ graphic warning ahead** and had finished both times. It happened very quickly and I just felt terrible after. I tell myself that I finished because of just the pure taboo nature of it and it was what the ocd wanted me to do since whenever I’d tried to arouse myself to men in a non pornographic way nothing had ever worked. Also when I was watching I wasn’t particularly focused on like the men themselves like I would with women when I watched straight porn. It was all very traumatising and I have to keep stopping myself from checking again to see if my reaction changes :( I’ve been meditating a lot and I’m about to start ERP on here and with my psychologist (who diagnosed me with ocd) But yeah just was wondering if anyone had anything similar with the porn thing just so I can figure out if it’s denial or whatever :) I don’t think it’s a coincidence with timing either since this all happened during exams.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

I need someone's thoughts on this I've been starting to question everything and all the things I've done, I've never liked any girls despite being in a girls class for years, but because if hocd I've starting to think about things I've done or thought that are not normal for a straight person, when I was little I used to enjoy watching videos of people making out and I kind of felt aroused when the guy touched some parts of the girl, sometimes i stumbled upon some videos of girls kissing and I remember I felt aroused by that too,then I stopped but growing up I tried to watch porn despite the fact that I'm rarely horny and straight porn just didn't do it for me, then I stumbled in lesbian porn and I actually enjoyed it and would get around by it,but I never questioned my sexuality because I knew that it was quite common for straight girls to watch lesbian porn but the thing is that sometimes I've wanted to do the same things that girls did in those videos,not essentially making sex with them or being touched by them but touch certain parts of some girls(not a lot just the ones I found extremely attractive)and this thought aroused me. Since hocd hit I've been rethinking everything and this thing in particular has stuck with me. Idk really I feel so hopeless because I mean for someone it could not be a big deal being not straight but for me it literally is because my entire identity would be destroyed and I would not be able to play those kind of games cause I would not enjoy them or I won't be able to watch any straight romance movie anymore or I could not fangirl with my friends about some hot singers or actors or even fictional characters and my dream since I was a child of being married with a man and having a beautiful family with children would be destroyed. So right now I would like someone's thoughts on this,like I don't want reassurance I just want to know what someone thinks about this,like do you think I'm not straight in reality?