Fear of revenge porn against me has triggered an OCD checking urge to check porn sites or google with different key words of my name and description (for example I’m Turkish so I would put keywords like Turkish slut or something). I received no threat from my narcissist ex, but he did tell me that he could’ve sent mail to my parents but he’s not an evil person and for my sake he wouldn’t. He’s a lawyer so I told him he knows that’s illegal and he said yes and then tried to downplay what he said saying it’s just my parents. I shut him up when I said my dad wouldn’t be mad at me he would be mad and go find him instead. He wrote a mean email once after I bashed him to mutual friends telling me to stay away because I shouldn’t awake the monster inside of him. He didn’t state specifics in the email but of course he knows it triggers my ocd. I keep reading about how narcissists have no feelings and lie, and are known to post revenge porn so that’s what makes me doubt. I haven’t been checking online but I just have the urge. He doesn’t have anything with my face I don’t think but he had fetishes with me masturbating and when we were long distance he wanted me to strip and masturbate for him on Skype. I never heard him take a screenshot but who knows. He’s completely blocked now. My mom doesn’t think he would do anything and just tells me to ignore but I hate myself for trusting him. When I was under his spell I was oblivious to all. When I found his double life and lies I started wondering what else is he capable of. Overall I’m just trying to recover from horrible narcissistic abuse and move on with my life. If he ever contacts me again I’m afraid if I’m mean or piss him off he will retaliate and I don’t wanna be afraid to stand up for myself. He’s a parasite.

Hi jazzz! Don't beat yourself up for not realizing what kind of person he is, it happens to people all the time. He's just trying to get a rise out of you because he has nothing better to do. Do your best to remember you're important, and he's not. ♥

Yeah you can't control your past, only what you do going forward. I understand, I got back with that girl when I was at a low point too so I understand. I'm sorry you went through all of that.

Thank you djsognal!! I know, sometimes all this alone time makes my thoughts wander. A lot of my OCD reassuring seeking is around topics and past events that I fear will come to ruin my life in the future. I’m young so I never want anything to mess up my life. Even though nothing has happened I still confess and seek reassurance as best I can to I guess make sure I’m still on the safe track for my future or to reassure myself that the past is the past. It’s a vicious cycle. I was once a good girl and I became rebellious and made stupid decisions over the years, especially in college. Then on top of how I was culturally raised, it makes me feel like I don’t deserve marriage or anything good in life. It will be a long journey before I find self love again.

Maybe not as long as you think. You seem very intelligent to me. This all can be hard to come, and I think you and I struggle with the same things. Just do your best, understand that you can't control everything. Everyone deserves to be loved.

Thank you ?? I had opened up to my ex about my past traumas and it was all just spit back in my face and he would say “idk how I can marry you”. It really broke me down. First few years out of college I was in debt from traveling the world and avoiding law school, so a friend suggested some sugar dating app to me and they made it seem like dating not prostitution. Gave it a try since I was working 2 jobs and exhausted and not only was it not like dating but I was treated like a prostitute in a motel and a bar basement in 2 encounters, never getting dates or allowance as promised and then told why should I be paid since I drive a Mercedes. And I didn’t enjoy one moment of it. It took away my innocence in a way. Most traumatizing experience of my life that I put myself through when I was vulnerable with low self esteem. I always confess this but not an easy thing to talk about. Makes me feel like a horrible sleazy person. I think deep down I stayed in the abusive relationship because I fear dating again and opening up to someone in case I’m rejected. If I could go back I’d get a third job on top of the two to help pay my debt. I know many girls do that stuff and worse but I have such pure intentions and a guilty conscience. Hard to have self worth and confidence when I keep beating myself up over the past.