Is it worth it?

When I look at pictures of myself, I see a young woman who deserves a fulfilling life that is not dictated by OCD and anxiety. I feel sad that so much of my time, my energy, and my choices have been consumed by OCD. I spend so much time in my head, ruminating and worrying and trying so damn hard to figure out that one thing that my OCD urgently presses me to solve. Sometimes I don't enjoy things that I want to because I'm overwhelmed with my compulsions. I've struggled with this for years, and lately OCD has been telling me that the struggle will never end--that I'll never feel in control of my life. I know that this isn't true, but I'm so scared that it could be. My faith doesn't feel bigger than my fear right now. How do I change that? I don't want to live like this anymore. As I'm writing this, my OCD is telling me that I'm incapable of recovery, but I know I can recover. I deserve to recover. I'm in therapy with an OCD specialist outside of this app and I'm going to increase the frequency of my sessions from once a month to once a week because I deserve an amazing, fulfilling life. And to whoever is reading this, you do, too.

I'm currently visiting my third therapist in the last three years and none of them have helped me so far. None of them have given me any type of diagnosis so I'm not even sure if I actually have OCD, and it's driving me mad. The last session I had, I even felt like it made things worse rather that it helped. I wanna feel that trust to my therapist that you should feel to be able to share your emotions but I don't. I feel like its not going anywhere, like it's useless. Lately I've been thinking about finding a therapist here at NOCD, I've even looked up some specific people and they all seem really nice and sweet.

So I’ve been getting treatment for about 3 months now and it’s been slowly starting to work I think and days are slowly getting easier. There are still plenty of bad days and days where I just feel completely defeated but I’m gradually learning how to deal with these emotions. Part of me is really relieved and excited as OCD was absolutely awful and the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It held me back from so many things and I felt so trapped and I never imagined I’d be in so much agonising discomfort everyday. However part of me is also really uneasy as OCD is what I’ve known for so many years and I don’t know life without it. It’s almost unsettling integrating back into the ‘normal’ way of life as part of me doesn’t know where to start and I feel like I lack foundation if that makes sense as I have been unable to do so much for so long. I’m also finishing school soon which makes things even harder as I don’t know what comes next, or who or what I’ll become and do with my life. I guess my question is, is life beyond OCD worth it and is it worth climbing out of this hell hole? I also know that I’ll probably always have OCD and there may always be bad days but it’s just becoming less disabling and time consuming which is so exciting but sort of terrifying at the same time. I also am worried that I’ll live a boring and miserable life because at least dealing with OCD left me with something and made life more interesting, much more painful but It almost became my identity. But I guess there has to be something more beyond this life I’m living. Sorry this is long.