I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world

I am so tired of this. I feel ashamed of myself. I waited until it was late to post this because I can’t take it anymore. My boyfriend is at my house right now. We saw each other today—he brought me a bouquet of flowers, we went out, and then came back home. But I just couldn’t stop thinking that he was annoying me or that I couldn’t stand him, even though he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I felt irritated and distant the entire time. And when we got home, it got even worse. We ended up arguing because of how distant I was, but I couldn’t help it. All I could think about was that I don’t love him, that I don’t like him, that I’m a liar, and that I’m just pretending when I’m with him. I kept thinking that I’m only with him because I’m used to him and that I just don’t want to accept the truth that I don’t love him. When he hugged me, I couldn’t be present. When we kissed, I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing. He kissed me, and I couldn’t even focus or try to connect with what was happening—I just wanted to cry. I feel like a liar who refuses to accept the truth. I started going to therapy, but I’ve only had one session. My psychologist told me to write in a journal, to reflect on what role fear plays in my life and why I feel so unsettled. I wrote, “The possibility that my thoughts might be true.” But now I just think I’m lying—to myself, to my boyfriend, even to my psychologist—because I want to believe I love him, but my mind tells me I don’t feel anything. I couldn’t even sit comfortably with him, I couldn’t enjoy being in his arms—I just felt sad. I’m so scared that this is real. It feels real. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I feel like I’m lying to everyone. Like I’m in denial. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

I think I’ve officially lost it today. I have completely convinced myself that I’m not actually in love with my partner. That I’m only with him for comfort. I struggle with trying to “feel” love. In past relationships where I’m sure I didn’t actually love them I idolized a version of them, it was an intense all consuming passion. With my boyfriend now it’s not like that and I think my obsession is also keeping it away. I met him on a blind date. It wasn’t until our 3rd date and first kiss did I feel something and even during the dating I was obsessing if he was going to be good to me or not. At not one point during our relationship was I ever at peace or simply enjoying it. I feel something guilty about this. He has flaws and I amplified them as proof we are not right for each other. I hyper fixate on feeling of past relationships and if I feel for him those feelings. He is a wonderful person who doesn’t deserve this, I’m scared of working on myself too because what if I get better and then “yep I still feel the same” then I’d have to leave him and that also sucks. My hurt on leaving him is the only thing keeping me tethered honestly because the thought of him being out there in the world and I not being able to talk with him kills me. I don’t know what love is anymore or what I’m supposed to feel. I’m so ashamed of myself, I’m crying in the bathroom stall at work feeling like I need to break up with him because it’s the right thing to do.

I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.