My life

I love my mom and dad I like music and I like my friends but I hate my life I exaggerate about how my mom doesn’t let me go anywhere but I go everywhere anywhere I go there’s my mom except for school which is where I can be myself cause if she knew how I acted at school ….yeah. All I want is therapy lessons for Christmas I literally can't come home one more time just to sit in my closet balling my eyes out and venting in my notes every time I just need someone to sit there and listen to me talk on and on about my life and my mental health someone who will hold 50 percent of my secrets and thoughts while I keep the other 50 I literally can't go home and just get yelled at and think about burning down the whole neighborhood and having 3 overly annoying siblings are not making it better I barely see my dad and he lives in the same house as me how is that possible yeah but as I was saying I wanna be able to say this all to a person without them interrupting me and asking why I'm still messing with them but yeah I need a therapist. With my mom, I have to always try to not talk about school-related because she will bring up my grades in 1.1 seconds, so I can’t really talk to her about anything, with my dad it’s like he think I’m a disappointment or a disgrace the only time we talk is when he’s yelling or talking about how I need to concentrate more. I really don’t care about what my granny thinks but she always talking about how we’re lazy and things like that but she’s always complaining telling us what to do and everything and she lies so much she abuses us and she lies about it to my and my mom always tells us to stay in our place instead of telling her stop hitting us.with my grandma I always have to be perfect I feel bad for children who don’t have anything but while I do I wanna make the best of it I wanna go see my friends at a park or somewhere else close to our house but no I can’t and yeah I know why but I wanna live my life to the fullest and yea I wanna own a Nike tech like other kids but I can’t have that I get it but there’s things I can do for free like get one ear piercing but I’m too young I get that braces aren’t a reward but I need them and I need my teeth whiten I got talked about my teeth I got insecure so I smiled like this ->🙂instead of this->😁I’m insecure of a lot of things I can’t control I losing my friends because I can’t go out and play with my friends because my mom doesn’t know them but won’t take a chance and get to know them, but I know one thing I don’t wanna live like this anymore I’m almost 12 I had my first panic attack I couldn’t really breathe I was shaking I kept crying and I couldn’t stop I went and slept with my mom that night I didn’t tell anyone about it I want to get thinks done but I can’t maybe this can help me maturing has made me see that Kanye west music is really enjoyable and understanding the only thing that has surprised my all this year is that my eyes aren’t red and puffy from crying like always.12/07/22 update. So this update is about my brother Louis who is 10 years old and still weighs 220 or sum like that he’s annoying and he’s always eating if he’s not doing that he’s somewhere on a game cussing at the air he watches anime and he’s cringe and you can look at him and cringe But he thinks he’s the favorite child and he’s clinging as glue to my mom he always looks weird like he’s clothes are too big or too small and the worse part is he has anger issues if I had to describe him I would say he’s a lazy pig who eats all day and cry’s and yells much.I’ve made it to 2023 🙂.. update I wanna cry so I was in the phone with this one guy from my school and I just wanted to go to bed he said 5 more minutes I said okay it was longer than that but I felt bad so I stayed I was turned towards my phone and I had my other phone I turned it and I saw his you know and I wanted to cry it was embarrassing and I want to die I wanted to kill him I didn’t want to experience that I wanted to hang up so bad I want to avoid him at all costs.how come Chole is so perfect why I can’t I have small feet like her and her fingers are much smaller than mine why can’t I be spoiled like her why can’t I have a relationship like hers why is she so perfect why do I have to be so ugly she’s so beautiful her hair so perfect she has perfect edges she comfortable around all her friends while I’m awkward around almost everybody, everybody loves her even the people who don’t like her they envy her I want to have her body I don’t want to be fat I want to be skinny I want to be perfect like Chole. why do I get yelled at today was okay I was tired I think I have sleep insomnia or I’m not sleepy at night I fall asleep in miss kings class but it’s so funny with Chloe shes my best friend and she may not know it but I love her and Madison. why do I have to be so annoying I hate myself when my friends tell me to shut up or be quiet or your irritated just be quiet I usually mute or just be quiet so they can ask what’s wrong and I can just say “ you literally just told me to stop talking so I’m gonna be quiet because every time I say something a argument starts” but I get it I hate myself too.Update my mom told us a while ago that she has been diagnosed with cancer and all her appointments are on Wednesday and she gets really sick and tired so I try to listen to her and do things for her but it’s so frustrating she asked me why I get a attitude and storm off to my room it’s because cause I don’t want to talk back and be disrespectful .