rocd cheating

the rocd false memory what if i cheated and forgot is really horrible right now. i start prozac tonight :((( i just want some peace of mind just a little bit. i feel undeserving of this relationship bc of my ocd. i have a lot of moments where im convinced it’s not even ocd :( i don’t want to lose this relationship. if i cheated i would’ve remembered. and not even now, wayyyy back then, so why is this happening now? i never had this worry there first time around me and my bf had dated, it was only what if i end up cheating, do I love him, the usual rocd. but now it’s just horrible. every little thing i find, IS NEVER CHEATING, but it opens up new doors to new worries and what ifs. i just want to give up. im so tired. i love my bf but i feel like breaking up so he can go find someone better, not like me…

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I also experience this, I started Prozac 2 weeks ago. It’s a horrible feeling. I always feel like I did something wrong and feel the need to confess to my husband, even though during my “clear” moments I know I didn’t. I find that drinking makes these feelings much worse. I feel so guilty all of the time. I also have super vivid dreams which amplify my fears and make these feelings even worse. Sorry I don’t have any words of encouragement, but know that you’re not alone in the way that you are feeling and that OCD is a liar.

dee012

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous omg sorry if this is long but, these words are still encouraging, because it lets me know im not alone. i always confess to my boyfriend about stuff i did or the what ifs, and the stuff i did is never cheating but obviously if it contains something about someone else it puts him in a down mood. idk if this makes sense, but i do have those “clear moments” they have just gotten less, for example when this first started it was small bouts of fear and anxiety and guilt that went away in a short time, and i was fine after for a while. but then it starting getting less, now it’s more of the doubting and anxiety/guilt/shame, and less of the clear moments. i only have a clear head for about 3 seconds knowing this is just ocd lol and then it goes away. i also have the dreams, and it’s weird because im super insecure and still am, but my dreams in the beginning of when me and my bf started talking again, was about HIM doing stuff, now most of the dreams is me doing something wrong and then magical thinking ocd comes in and then i think the dreams mean something and it’s a sign.. i always anticipate my next thought, scared and worried as if a suppressed “memory” of me cheating is gonna come up. i anticipate going to sleep because im scared a dream is gonna show something i actually did. i always go through my phone and my social media trying to find any “clues” of me cheating but i never do, but even when i never do my ocd still picks at very very small stuff and says “oh what if this means u cheated?” sorry again for this being so long just venting and hoping u can relate

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I totally relate to all of that. I went out with a friend for the first time in a long time a few weeks ago and I drank a little too much. I was with her basically the entire night but my brain likes to fill in the gaps with awful things I could have done. And then I constantly check for reassurance and trying to replay events in my head, all of which make me feel like a horrible person. I also go through my phone and dig for “clues” and never find anything. And then I also try to assign meaning to dreams. It’s a never ending, vicious cycle. I also have health OCD and this then plays into that theme. It’s horrible, but knowing that we are not alone helps 🫶 I’m hoping the Prozac will help

ocdterminator

Date posted: 40w

@Anonymous Hi, did the Prozac help?

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

A couple questions about rocd

I hate myself a lot and don’t understand. I do so well for a few days then spiral and feel so awful bc it feels true. The BIGGEST and WORST trigger and theme has been my brother old friend ish who I had a crush on yrs ago. Since my ocd returned once I got in a relationship (after many yrs of being hidden) this theme is the most brutal. For some background I had a crush on my current boyfriend last year in February til May and we were friends then we started talking officially in end of May then dating in 2 week of June. I was obsessed w him 100%. The one time I even saw this old crush and the mall and my 1 friend and I followed him bc like old crush yk and I literally like stopped caring like idk how to explain it bc it was a while ago, but it didn’t matter to me. I eventually walked away and then later used that as an excuse to talk to my biggest crush (my current bf). Since we began dating, my ocd has been brutal. My little brother mentioned the old crush the one day saying “you still love him ur lying to urself rn by being w ur bf” and then it sent my mind on its first loop ab that guy. Since then, it’ll return getting worse and worse. (Sometimes I actually don’t care and it won’t feel as tru and ik it’s fake, but others it’s terrible) I hate it. And I feel so awful like I needa check to make sure I don’t like him. Yet logically why would I check my feelings. Ik I love my man bc everything ab him I love and he’s my comfort and best friend. But I get so stuck up in the confusion of all the thoughts ab this other guy and all I have wanted for the 10 months I’ve been dating my man is to go back to normal. Back to myself. The one who was head over heels obsessed w my man and completely forgetting ab the other ppl. But my brain says I can’t bc a part of me will always want the other guy or some other lame bs excuse and it hurts me so much and my man sometimes too. I’m considering medication but will it truly work? Will it make my thoughts go away? I hate how real/ true they feel I feel like a cheater or like I am lying to my man. I feel like rn when I say I love him, that I’m a liar😖for the past 3 days I was better. I gave it up and let God help me, but last night into today I’m lost. Are we sure ocd attacks wuts most important to us? Bc why is it so persistent and evil

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Rocd torture

So I relapse bad 1 time a week now at least and it’s awful. I was ok til I wasn’t this week again. Monday I was crying bc I wanted to be me again and I found tactics to stop my thoughts. I’d be like “well the real me before these thoughts wouldn’t think that” and I’d be ok. But then today I was at school bouta leave and was doing so well. A guy drove by in a pick up and had wut looked like a tan face w rosey cheeks. I had some mini thoughts but I let em pass over until another one came in and I engaged My brain was then like: “oh he has the cute rosey cheeks and tan skin you’d want him coming up to you and flirting bc you want those guys liking you” and it felt rlly real and then saw bro get outs his car and realized he was short and kinda ugly, my mind was then like “it doesn’t bother u now tho bc he’s uglier and shorter than you thought. I bet hair he’s wut you pictured him as you would still rlly want him.” Then I felt awful and then 0.2 seconds later I realized I love my man and wouldn’t want any guy coming up to me. So I tried to chill and let it sit, but then it persisted bc I’m awful. Then I tried to be like “old me would’ve wanted that anyways, but it was like “ye but rn you was kinda real you and felt like it was true. Then I got home and was like old me would’ve never. Then my brain said “I bet if he woulda appeared last yr when you had a huge crush on ur man before u were officially together you woulda talked to jk m in class and found him cute and started crushing for him over ur man” th en my brain like vividly imagined it and it felt true I hate it and then ad the day went on it felt more and more like id want that guy, and it says bc I think he’s cuter then my man bc this guy had the rosy cheeks and tan face. I feel so awful bc even now (many hours later) I feel awful bc my man gets down thinking he’s not enough and wants me to just love him fully but I do and that’s all I want. And I feel awful bc my brain convinces me stuff against him around me are a sign or smth. And u feel terrible he deserves all my love and I love when I can give it all and I wanna cry when it feels there’s someone else there I like or smth. For example it still feels as tho I want the rosy cheeked guy or smth and I’m never gonna find a him and be upset forever. I hate it. I wanna be repulsed by all men that aren’t my man. Why’d it feel true I don’t want it to. And I hate that sometimes I’m unable to decipher if I even want it or not. It’s the worst cycle ever I hate it. How to I fix is it really ocd do I really care ab my man how even can I if I feel like this so often. He even said “sometimes I wonder maybe I’m not the right person or smth. Like if you were with that person maybe this wouldn’t happen” yet no I can’t I love my man😞 pls help Aldo does medication work i wanna get on it to get better

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Rocd help please

Ok so this all could be for reassurance but I’m rlly upset en and need help. So to preface, I had ocd when I was younger her and when I started dating my current bf it suddenly returned but ig I didn’t realize it was rocd bc I never knew it could present itself in this way. All I knew was “go away I just wanna love my bf and stop liking other guys” when my brain would get me so confused. A couple weeks ago I started on Luvox and I thought it was rlly working bc I also started seeing an ocd specialist and she gave great tips on exposures and the Medication in conjunction w that jus felt like it finally make me myself again. However, yesterday I had some gwneral intrusive thoughts in the morning and right before that, I was on top of the world so happy bc I was myself again. When the thoughts came I was like ew oh whatever. UNTIL my brain was like nagging me and making me feel guilty for having those thoughts. So I dove into em making sure they weren’t true etc. bc that never fixes anything it kept progressively getting worse and I forgot my exposures in those moments bc I just wanted to make sure I loved my man and didn’t do smth against him. Towards the later day, I was swimming w my siblings and my bf and the whole time I had a blast bc he’s the best, but I had nagging thoughts and feelings saying some guy from my new job is similar looking but slightly better looking and he’s the one guy I’ll leave my bf for. And it’s been saying that and variations of it from over 24 hrs now and I feel so awful. I feel guilty and to make things worse. Last night bc I spiraled/ relapsed so hard my thoughts also said I wanna leave my bf bc I no longer love him and I miss those old feelings but I can’t jus forget how awful I am as a gf to him bc my thoughts and ocd feelings. I feel terrible and I jus wanna be fixed😓I don’t wanna like that guy my man is my bsf and so cute and handsome and perfect. Why am I still “confused” if I don’t wanna be etc. my therapist said to go toward my goals and Values and not let ocd stop me from it, but I feel as if I can’t til I make sure I don’t like the other person or wanna but all I want is to be me but I feel like a liar 😞

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