even love has been tainted by my dirty mind.

I have this crush on this girl, 2 years older than me. She's beautiful and whenever I just see her smiling at my jokes I feel happy. But now it will be all come to an end. One hour ago I remembered that she had a little brother and thought to myself "it would be unforgivable if I had an intrusive disgusting thought about her brother" Since I had that thought I started having disgusting thoughts and images about it... they were vivid but I assure you they were disgusting and repulsive enough. I'm trying to stop the thoughts from happening and becoming worse and more repulsive than they already are, but they keep coming. To make matters worse, other triggering images from the past that haunted me are returning, trying associate to this event, like disturbing se&ual images of a specific private part that disturbs me a lot, very graphic... I don't know if I can even write it. Also when I opened instagram to occupy my mind, while i was scrolling the reels I came across a scene of a movie which had herotic women and I was turned on. And the fact that I was turned on, was an additional slice on my skin, because it feels like an association with the previous intrusive thoughts, that it was a consequence of those thoughts. Now I will have to avoid her... how can I look at her knowing that I made his brother an object of my pocd? She was someone pure, like a beacon of light for me, an innocent crush that lived outside ocd that could let me live the life of a normal teenager. Now even that is gone. I can't forgive myself for what I did. But maybe is better this way because she won't be near a monster. Also how delusional I am to even hope to have a "relationship" with her. She would be horrified of this post. This post is definitively a compulsion. And I hate how her and his brother are mentioned together with disgusting and degenerated things. I'm truly sick in the head. I don't deserve compassion or understanding.

Username: RandomPasswordRandomPassword

Date posted: 1y ago

dawg OCD in itself is unwanted and intrusive thoughts, yea it sounds bad but most people wouldn’t beat themselves up to the level you are right now, have you ever heard of something called moral scrupulosity? You should search it up, you might have it. In regards to what you thought about, you might be experience false attraction, I saw a YouTube video on it by a channel called ocd and anxiety you should check out

Username: RandomPasswordRandomPassword

Date posted: 1y ago

With ocd your brain thinks about the things you don’t wanna think about, so by you telling yourself not to think about it that inevitably caused your mind to focus on it more

Username: RandomPasswordRandomPassword

Date posted: 1y ago

you also gotta work on your self talk, I know considering the circumstances it might be hard to believe, but youre not a monster, I’m a big proponent in focusing on what you can control and how most people blame the world around them or their circumstances for their problems but in this case you gotta figure out how to get rid of these thoughts but you telling yourself how disgusting it would be if you thought about it, when you did that you attached importance to it so no wonder you started thinking about it

Username: Nameless000Nameless000

Date posted: 1y ago

thank you

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve had something similar happen to me before too. POCD is the worst. It helps me to recognize that it doesn’t make you a bad person that that thought popped into your mind. There is a difference between having an unwanted thought pop into your mind and choosing to act on it. I don’t have to push thoughts out of my mind or figure them out. These types of thoughts don’t say anything about you as a person.

Username: Nameless000Nameless000

Date posted: 1y ago

thank you

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Well its good you recognize the fact that you are doing a compulsion. What exposure could you do in this case? Could you start with writing down the word for the private part that disturbs you? See if you can do it.

Username: Nameless000Nameless000

Date posted: 1y ago

i cant under this post, it would feel connected to something pure and innocent as her and her brother and I'm afraid that it's going to stick with it and that it will become an automatic association whenever i recall this event.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@Nameless000 Sorry I didn't mean write it here. Just start with writing it on a piece of paper. Write it in small letters if you have to. Then if you can do that, just sit for a few minutes and try not to do a compulsion. You can throw it away when you are done

Username: Nameless000Nameless000

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous has it ever worked out for you? it's difficult and shameful to write something gross... (sorry for the details) like in my case i should have to write the word for the end of the large intestine. this word triggers me because when i reflected how p***s do what they do i realised that it was that way and it deeply disturbed me and grossed me out,

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@Nameless000 Yes, I have done a similar exposure for related words. I understand that word means something gross to you. That's not what is the issue. The issue, and this is common to most OCD sufferers, is thought-action fusion. OCD sufferers tend to equate thinking something (this word in your case) with doing something (the p*** thing). But we know that thinking about a word or writing a word is not the same as acting on it. Does this make sense? Here's a video about it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qhKmY1IeFf8

Username: Nameless000Nameless000

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous I will look into it and try, thank you for your kindness

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 4y ago

WARNING: POCD I need to know your thoughts... I'm panicking and feeling horrible This is probably one of the first events that made me wonder if I was a "p". (I'm female, 20s) Two years ago, in the summer, I went to a friend's house and I met her younger sister (8, at the time). She was very sweet and adorable and I liked her so much! She showed me her toys and she was always around me... I feared I was feeling some sort of attraction to her... And now that I am recalling the event, I'm getting so afraid that this attraction was, in fact, real. I'm on the verge of tears right now ... Because it was so strong... Believe me, this felt like attraction. I'm thinking about her as I'm writing this and I'm remembering the warm feeling I experienced (like I was developing a crush) - I just want to cry because I don't want to be a "p". I spent the whole day in panic and wondering If I was "p" and if I was attracted to her. I tried to dismiss the thoughts and enjoy the day. I've always wanted a little sister and one day (at that time), I wanted to have a daughter someday. I've played with her and talked with her. Later that day, we went to the pool and I played with her again and even gave her piggyback rides (which now, I know it was a mistake - because I am getting flawed (false) memories that I touched her butt but I'm almost sure that I only touched her legs when giving the piggyback rides but I'm afraid that I touched her butt on purpose too to be deviant! I feel like I would be capable of doing such a awful thing). I remember enjoying her company and wanting to be more time with her... But now I'm so scared that I had bad intentions, because "p" people want to be around children. I feel like there was more than "having a child/sister for a day" because of my strong feelings for this girl. I regreted this whole dayAnd when I went back to her house, I avoided the child at all costs. What do I do?? I feel so hopeless... I am crying like crazy, not knowing what to do. I feel like a "p". I am so scared that I was attracted to her and now I have this new false memory that scares me... Please help me... I'm in despair..This particular story weights on me. I'm reviewing it over and over (taking the false memory off) and I don't think I did anything wrong BUT I cant help but to feel uncertain about it... Even if I didnt do anything wrong, I still feel bad for not avoiding it. I felt like a "p" the whole day... I had these intrusive thoughts the whole day... Yet, I wanted to be near the child and play with her?? I was trying to dismiss my thoughts - I tried to fight them! but I can't help to feel that what I did was predatory! Or wrong! I have been crying so much about this subject... I have high morals... And everytime an adult plays with a child is usually a "p" or a predator... I am so afraid that my "desire" to be with this child was an indicator that I'm a p or a bad person in general. Please... I want to know your opinions (I also have another question. I also felt "dirty" all day. Are all of these symptoms normal in ocd? Do people with ocd can like being with children? Are even these questions making sense?) I can't help to reinforce this! I felt terrible afterwards - I regret it so much... I felt dirty during that event, after that event and even today! This was my first time (or one of the first times) dealing with with pocd... I thought it was my brain trying to get me... So I tried to fight it! But... I feel like shit for not avoiding her... I'm so afraid I actually felt attraction for her because it was so strong the affection I experienced for her... I feel like a p... I'm so done...

Username: jharbi

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm scared that I could be a pedo. (Pocd)

So I (16 f) haven't been diagnosed with it but I think I have OCD. Specifically POCD and real event OCD. I did something in 2021 that I regretted then and I regret even more now. I read some fanfiction that involved incest and minors and I hated it. I hated it bc it was disgusting, bc it went against my morals, and bc I read it. I was bored but I still wish I didn't read them. And since April of this year, I have been suffering bc I read them. I'm scared I'm a pedo and I really don't want to be one bc I don't want to do the things they do to kids. I Don't even find kids attractive but I get groinal responses and I'm scared that I actually do. I suffer from intrusive thoughts everyday. Even though this flair up started in April, I've been suffering from it for a couple years. But nowadays I'll be lucky to go a hour without them. I posted a similar post like this on Reddit a month or two ago and all of the comments said I wasn't a pedo and that it was POCD but I'm spiraling. During those months I would be scared I was a pedo and not be scared bc I knew it was ocd back and forth but this time it's different. I'm scared that I'm actually a pedo but I don't want to be. I don't like the thoughts and I don't want to do anything to kids. I know people say that 'if you were a pedo you would like the thoughts." Or "if you were a pedo you would know you are." And that's helped me but now I feel like I could just be in denial. I tried to not let it bother me but my brain tells me that if I don't react, that means I like the thoughts. I have younger cousins and a nephew and I hate being around them bc I'm scared that I'll get attracted to them. I hate when my younger sister hugs me bc I get scared that I'll get attracted. There has been multiple times where I just went in my bathroom and just broke down crying. And I hate crying but I cried more than I usually do. It's gotten to the point where multiple times I felt suicidal and honestly I feel like that now. But I usually got over it and realized it was just OCD but I'm scared that it's not. And I feel like if it was just thoughts then maybe it would've been better but it's the fact that I read those even though I hated it and was disgusted by it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm sorry that this post is too long.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 23w ago

Terrified

For the last three years I’ve been dealing with OCD, I’ve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now I’m not sure if it’s POCD or if it’s real. I’ve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore, I think I’ve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, I’ve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I haven’t gone back because they told me they couldn’t be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that won’t begin until two weeks later. I’m F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, that’s what I’ve told myself. I couldn’t believe that I myself am a monster, I can’t cope with this…I don’t know what to do, when you’ve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as “proof” I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die. The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, “what if you sought someone younger and don’t remember” I do remember I’d encounter kids on there but I’d skip them, sometimes I’d warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. I’ve been dealing with this constant “what if what if” for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but there’s this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I don’t care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if I’ve done something I don’t remember, I’m scared to face that monster I’ve thought myself to be for so long.

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even love has been tainted by my dirty mind.

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