Please reply harm ocd

Even when I’m not having Intrusive thoughts sometimes I could look at someone and suddenly get this horrible feeling that I would like the feeling of acting on that intrusive thought about them and it feels so real and then I start imagining things and ruminating to check and it feels like I get shudders and don’t like it but I still don’t believe myself, there also seems to be something connected to vulnerability, when I see someone who seems vulnerable, even someone shorter or old or very young or an animal it feels like the thoughts and feelings coming up and feel like I would ‘like the feeling’ and now I’m worried it feels like I like it because they are weaker than me and I’m evil. I was in a shop today, not thinking about any thoughts and this woman walked past me and she was shorter and older than me and I suddenly got this feeling that I would like the feeling of ‘smothering her’ and then I was thinking why did it feel like that what is that feeling? Is it anxiety that’s making it feel like that? And then I got home and picked up my cat to show him to my mum so she can say hello to him and (my cat only has one eye as well and he’s quite skinny and old) and while holding him all of a sudden I got a feeling like I would like the feeling of smothering him and then i was thinking is it because he’s got one eye and is more vulnerable and then I’m thinking wait why would it feel like I like it because he’s more vulnerable and has one eye? And then I’m worrying and imagining things and today I was getting ready in front of the mirror and suddenly had an intrusive thought about my mum and then started thinking would I actually do that or imagine I did and because before it’s felt like I ‘know how it feels to smother someone and like the feeling of stoping them from breathing by squashing them with the pillow) sorry graphic, I don’t understand why it’s felt like that, but then I started imagining the thoughts about my mum and wondering if it would feel like I like the feeling of doing that and now I’m worrying if that feeling came up again would I actually be evil? Because in those moments it always feels like something bad is about to happen or that I just dodged a bullet? Especially now that these thoughts are backed up with this feeling of ‘liking the feeling of imagining doing that’ it feels so real and I don’t know what to do, I mean jsut last night I was crying because I was thinking about how I’m noticing people around me getting older and worrying about everyone dying and then this morning it feels really real that I would do that and like the feeling of doing that and the other thing is, I know I don’t want to do that but since this feeling came about of liking the feeling im worried that one day in the moment I will actually do it because it will feel like I like the feeling and I won’t be thinking clearly I’m worried I don’t want to be evil but say I’m irrational 😞 when I’m angry I can be a bit irrational and throw things and say horrible things so say I’m not bad but if it’s actually true that I like the feeling of doing that then one day I actually will and then my heads suggesting to me ‘you wouldn’t be able to be around a baby or kid because you like the feeling and would be a danger and might do it since it feels like you like it’ how can I even be thinking that it feels like i ‘like the feeling’ ?? If I’m not bad how is that possible? That I could be the thinking or feeling that way please help

LuisMadison

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Friend, right now it seems like you are both seeking reassurance and ruminating. Neither of which are helpful for your treatment. Are you seeing a therapist?

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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