rocd false memory

it’s so bad in the morning, like right now my anxiety in my chest hurts so bad, the thoughts and what if i cheated feels so real. like it actually feels like im lying to myself. it usually gets this bad in the morning and it hasn’t gone away. im scared it means something. when i asked if i ever cheated on my bf my ocd says “oh what if? oh maybe… What if u were close to it… U actually did” just all this bad stuff. i want to cry. it feels more real bc me and my bf got in a fight last night and we have been taking time for ourselves.

BrokenRaven

Date posted: 2y

I have thoughts like this too. I’m just a person battling it on my own. But I know that feeling well. You are not alone. False memories are awful and you are heard.

dee012

Date posted: 2y

@BrokenRaven thank you :,)

OoOcCdD66

Date posted: 2y

Sorry to hear you're struggling. False memories are such a pain to deal with. And the relationship conflict does not help! Take the rest of your day to practice ERP and mindfulness. I'm rooting for you!

dee012

Date posted: 2y

@OoOcCdD66 thank you so much, it feels so hard when my ocd is targeting my partner. id rather have my POCD be worse again and that says a lot lol. im stuck on what erp exercises i should do.

OoOcCdD66

Date posted: 2y

@cs223 I've had this diagnosis for 4 working on 5 years now. I've had so many different themes and subthemes, fears within fears, and with that I can say- I understand feeling like "I wish I could just have X theme again, it'd be easier". I've felt that way many times...but once whatever theme does come back, it feels just as crappy and just as life threatening. In fact, sometimes it feels worse because you have to settle into a theme that feels fresh again. So my advice would be to try and not think like that because 9/10 times you're gonna feel just as bad once an old theme returns. Just see every moment as an opportunity to work on strengthening your ERP muscles...work out those muscles. The stronger they get, the easier it becomes to get out of the hole. Of course it's inevitable we will eventually fall back into hole again at some point, but we can use those times as practice opportunities as well!

dee012

Date posted: 2y

@OoOcCdD66 yea idk it just feels like id rather have pocd, but when i did and it was super bad i was wishing the same thing, for a new theme. my therapist for ocd on here does erp, but she basically has me doing the exposures and then she checks in with me, i feel like it doesn’t help but idk if that’s bc im not being consistent with therapy or i need a new therapist.

OoOcCdD66

Date posted: 2y

@cs223 All normal from my experience. It's all relative. Some folks get it done quick, and others it takes longer to notice the effects of ERP. I myself am very guilty of not always being on my A game and giving into compulsions. So I feel you on the consistency part. But I have experienced the benefits enough times to assure you that it is possible to feel better using it! Trust the process and trust your therapist. And above all, be kind to yourself. I know that's hard when your brain is making conspiracy theories about yourself or when intrusive thoughts register as real memories...Man, do I ever know how hard all of this is. But you are capable and deserving of recovery! Stay strong!

Mariabae

Date posted: 20w

rocd

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

Mariabae

Date posted: 15w

panic. scared. it feels real

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?

Mariabae

Date posted: 14w

rocd worser then ever

I feel like I shouldn’t be with my partner anymore, but I have no clear reason why. I feel sad every single day, I have a constant heaviness in my chest, I cry often, and I start arguments with him. I can’t remember the good memories. Everything feels distant, fake, or tainted. I don’t know why I love him — and all my thoughts tell me that I never truly did, that I only wanted to feel something, and now I finally see the truth. The worst part is that it all feels so real. I feel lost. I feel numb. I feel guilty. I can’t feel love right now, but some part of me still wants to hold on, still wants help. I don’t want to make any decisions right now. I just want to know I’m not alone. Has anyone else gone through this?

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