Feel so down

I’ve been worried because it feels like I know how it feels to smother someone through imagining it and I like the feeling of smothering someone and it’s really horrible my life has been in a wreck ever since it started feeling like ‘I like the feeling’ of smothering someone with a pillow and it’s really horrible I don’t know what to do but it feels extremely real, like I like the feeling of doing that and would do that?? I know I don’t want to do that but I’m worried if it feels like I like the feeling of doing it that I will do it and act on it. It’s so conflicting it feels so real, how can I mistake a feeling? It literally feels like I know how it feels to smother someone/squash their face with a pillow and stop them from breathing and that I like the feeling of doing that? How is that possible thag it feels like I like the feeling? I feel so down I just wanted a normal life and now I can’t stay anywhere alone because im worried I will do that, around babies/young kids and animals it feels even worse or more true that I like the feeling and it’s really horrible but feels real, or another thing that seems to trigger it off is when someone or an animal is lying down it feels even worse and I don’t know if that’s because it seems like it would be ‘easier’ to smother someone if their lying down and it really horrible a few times I went in a shop and there’s baby’s in prams and suddenly it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ of smothering and it feels like I would actually do that and like the feeling and I don’t want to be bad I don’t want to do that but feels like I would do that because I like the feeling, I don’t know what to do I feel so down and I feel extremely irritated and angry that I have to go through this I snap at everyone because I feel so down and my head makes me feel like if I was alone since it feels like I like the feeling I would actually smother someone 😞 I’m only 20 and this is what I have to deal with feel like my whole life is ruined since now I ‘like the feeling’ of doing thag 😞😞

dand_eli_on

Date posted: 2y

ocd will try to convince you that it’s permanent but no feeling is ! intrusive feelings exist too, it’s frustrating but if you can accept the uncertainty you’ll feel the freedom

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@dand_eli_on But how can it feel like I like something so horrible? I feel so trapped and worried what if I’ve understood something others haven’t almost like as if those killers like the feeling of doing thag and now I’ve discovered I like the feeling I’m so down I don’t know what to do I feel so alone no one understands

dand_eli_on

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 intrusive thoughts are ego dystonic - the opposite of our values. what if it’s all okay? what if the thought doesn’t mean anything? what if you’re a good person? we can what if all day in either direction or we can live

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@dand_eli_on But it feels like I like the feeling, so it feels like it’s not just thoughts I don’t like anymore since it’s a feeling 😞

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@dand_eli_on It feels like I’m obsessed with imagining the intrusive thought of smothering someone as well to check to see how I feel since it’s felt like I like the feeling I keep imagining smothering someone over and over and I don’t even feel guilty about imagining it I imagine it about my cats and about my mum and other family to check how I feel and even when I get ‘shudders’ or feel like I don’t like it I still don’t believe I hate it and keep imagining it and I don’t know what to do

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@dand_eli_on It’s like jsut now I imagininwe the thought about smothering on my mum and now it feels like I keep wanting to imagine it and now I’m thinking say if it’s because I like the feeling that’s why I want to imagine it now because I’m checking how I feel or if I hate it but I feel this stuffy feeling in my chest and it feels like I need to imagine it and now I’m worried I don’t know what’s going on anymore

mirbrach

Date posted: 2y

Ocd can convince you of anything. My rocd towards my husband and my harm ocd feel Soo real and it feels like I like the feeling as well. The fact you are so frightened of the feeling shows you really don’t want it. This darn ocd disorder is so sneaky. I don’t wish it on anyone. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mirbrach I want my old life back, I miss feeling free and normal I feel so down and sad 😞

dand_eli_on

Date posted: 2y

@mirbrach this is so so true.

mirbrach

Date posted: 2y

I hear you. So sorry. Feel the same way.

lemon tears

Date posted: 24w

Anyone suffer from kink related sexual ocd?

(25f have always felt I was hetero) I feel like my experience is uncommon and it makes me feel like the world is crashing down. I used to privately act on a kink that’s extremely uncommon, an involuntary thing people do everyday. It was a kink that was NEVER in the real world. I’d act on it every now and then through erotica or when I was younger, videos…then at some point grew an awareness that this was weird and only stuck to erotica. When people did this involuntary act irl I would be grosses out, annoyed, feel nothing or would have this little thought in the background that “ew germs”. Especially my parents I was often annoyed when they did it. For the past 8 months I’ve continuously have feared what my sexual feelings are towards family, friends and children when they do this act that I used to have a kink towards. I had the thought “well I don’t think I really want this kink in this new relationship” then I thought “wait…am I acknowledging this is a real thing for me? If so what does that say about this kink happening in the real world? Are you attracted to anyone doing the act? What about children? Or mom?!” Especially my mom, I fear what I will feel if she does this involuntary act and that I may at some point give in and feel inappropriate feelings towards her/pleasure myself to her doing the act. It’s so bad that I will mentally create scenarios of her and others doing the kink in the exact sexual ways that turned me on to see if it will arouse me. I worry that being annoyed towards my parents, especially my mom doing this act in the past was because I was in denial and was masking that it actually turned me on. You can’t ever fully get rid of kinks and although I don’t act on this one anymore…I worry and fear that bc I haven’t acted on it, it’s attaching to family, friends and even children in the way of fantasies and that the only reason I feel despair, shame, guilt, disgust and fear is only because of what others would think of me. Not what I actually think. In the beginning I was so filled with disgust, guilt, shame and fear that I ran away from home then admitted myself to a psych ward last summer hoping it would help (plot twist, didn’t.) I’m suicidal, I cry multiple times a day. Every thought I have I don’t trust and worry what they actually mean. Every thought of any kind. My mom and I used to be so so so close. She was my best friend and I avoid her a lot now because I fear I have a sexual disorder and am uncontrollably attracted to her. I miss her much I’m crying while typing this. My mom has only done the involuntary act around me a few times in the past 8 months and each time the arousal was so strong I felt like I was dissociating with how horrible my life has become. The worst part is…the arousal itself feels really good compared to the arousal I get around my bf…except with him I don’t feel extreme anxiety and despair when I’m aroused. I have so many other thoughts too and it makes it so hard to be in the moment and enjoy my bf, family and friends. I feel like a monster…

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Feel so down

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community