I’m scared I’m a bad person

My intrusive thoughts are so bad today, I feel so much regret. I’m part of the anime community and I’ve unfortunately encountered a lot of negative stuff that I naively thought it was ok at first until I learned that it wasn’t. I hate how easily tricked I get by the few bad people within this community. This also applies to the realm of fan fiction, in which I first encountered it by watching anime in my pre teen years. I’ve unfortunately read fan fics and fan comics that contains immoral stuff and I regret it so much. It lead me into a deep spiral of intrusive thoughts, so I quit fan fiction as a whole for a year. I started it back up a few months ago and I unfortunately read a few non con and underage fanfics of ao3, only of two fandoms (Jujustu Kaisen being one of the two) and fan comics surrounding the protagonist of jujustu kaisen as well. I feel so much regret about reading it because I am 20 years old and I would not have read it, but I have terrible morbid curiosity. I’m so scared I’m a bad person, I do not even want to do these things that I read in real life. I understand that there’s the topic of “fiction vs. reality” but reading all of this has affected my mental health severely. I don’t want to be a bad person and will stop reading these types of things. I’m not even attracted to people younger than me and I hate having those types of thoughts. But I’m so scared that I will like them, I don’t want to be a bad person.

ian-ku

Date posted: 2y

Hey you’re not alone on this! I used to be big in the anime community too and I understand that a lot of the contents on there may be taboo and also contributed to my development of POCD. I personally have laid off it for years but knowing that I have read or seen stuff(fictional) haunts me till this day and is what made me spiral into doubting the person I am too. You would go down the spirals of what ifs and try to find ways to reassure yourself. But remember these intrusive thoughts are just intrusive thoughts they don’t determine who you are, you have the power to control your actions, and yes they may make you think of things a bad person would do, but in the end you have never done any of that nor would you become the person you are fear of becoming. I see OCD as a thing that constantly reminds you to be a good person, they strive on fears and the fact that you are scared about having these thoughts show that you are not a bad person like that. Till this day, intrusive thoughts like this still come and go everyday but I choose to ignore them and label them all as OCD, you have to know you are still in control of who you are as a person. I’m currently in the process of getting therapy and i think you should too! Just remember that ur not alone on this! We will get through this together 😤😤😤

Hopeful58

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

ERP therapy can help you.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

Hi. It's me. I'm here to tell you that you aren't alone and I've had very similar experiences when I was a teenager. I don't want to reassure you because it won't help. I'm sorry that this is bothering you again. I think I saw you post this previously.

ughhhh

Date posted: 22w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 21w

i don't think i have OCD..

hello everybody! 🔞 last saturday i did something i shouldn't have done, and i even posted about it here, but no one responded to my post (it's okay, i completely understand). to inform you, since i deleted the post: i consumed erotic literature where two 14 year old children had a relationship (☠️), on wattpad. and i consumed this theme to see if i was really attracted to it..i think. i'm unsure about it, but i know i didn't feel anything consuming it. i was feeling extremely anxious and felt extremely bad the next day, and i only got better when i talked to my girlfriend and an online friend. i'm still feeling bad, i know i shouldn't have done it and whenever i'm feeling genuinely good, it comes back to haunt me.. i'm worried because i'm not feeling enough guilt or remorse, idk.. i feel bad and i regret it, and i can't stand going through this problem anymore.. i was in therapy a few months ago, but i stopped for financial reasons and my psychologist doesn't see me virtually anymore. it's been difficult.. just a vent.

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

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