- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
4 Years Trying to be in a Relationship
Hi guys, so rewinding time about four years ago, I was fresh out of a 6 year relarionship, engaged for a couple years (Not sure, everything's a blur from 2019-2021)? I was fresh out of being in-patient twice where I was misdiagnosed, given miscellaneous medicine to handle the intrusive thoughts. A couple months after I got out, I decided to give relationships a shot again. After many failed dating apps, one of them came through. I started talking to a beautiful girl near by and we ended up dating. She was the first girl I opened up to about my OCD. Every last detail. I even told her about my POCD. I feared sharing that because we all fear being shamed, misunderstood, misjudged, humiliated, and more. Instead, she went and researched what that was so she could understand me. I was flabbergasted. I never in my wildest dreams thought anyone, especially a romantic partner would do that. Well I think we dated for a few months the first time until I felt a disconnect. Idk, I didn't feel that "spark". At times I didn't feel as intimate towards her. I started doubting the relationship. Started doubting everything. Wondering if it was "too soon" after my previous 6yr relationship, or if it was my mental health. So I ran. I broke up with her. Well some time after, we ended up texting again. Ended up hanging out again. To save y'all time, this repeated for another 2-3 years. But each time I reached out to her, I swore..I SWORE this was the time I would stay. I SWORE I could handle it. I SWORE I was ready. The connection we had was unbelievable. Literally was my best friend. She went to church with me for the first time in a long time as she didn't have a good relationship with the church life. We spent a lot of times laughing. She understood me. She listened. She listened so well that she would surprise me with a little gift and I would say, "how did you know that??". But it wasn't until last September that I was like...this sounds like ROCD🤔. I remember seeing post about it on this app but was like nahh, that's now what I'm going through. Wrong lol. It was exactly what I was feeling and going through. Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of time to work on ROCD. I don't have tools as of yet to help me stop running. Last week we parted ways..maybe for good this time. Everything was great and she was going to hangout today for my birthday but because she wasn't able to stay, I felt a disconnect and started drifting...again. Started doubting...again. For me, OCD attacks attraction. It would compare her vs other females who I found attractive. I know it's natural to find people attractive but my past ex and ROCD say that's not allowed. If that's so, "then it must not be meant to be". So then I would run. I would call things off. My whole point in sharing this is guys, we are deserving of love. Just because we struggle with ocd and those with POCD...doesn't mean we can't find love. It's out there. I promise. I am not giving up on me. I was so frustrated with my ocd a few days ago, I started wondering if I'll ever be able to love unconditionally. That's the ocd talking right there. Let's keep pushing through these muddy waters, guys. One day at a time. Taking back our lives and our confidence that the OCD wants to take so badly. If you're reading this, know I am here with you. You are not alone. Do NOT give up. Do NOT lose hope. Also, enjoy the little things! The gym, gaming, God, and my dog are the best things in my hard days. God bless you all!💚