3 days of triggers, pocd and staring

Once when i was very high and had a disturbing graphic intrusive image, and then while being high feeling as if i were really a p***. Once when i was travelling with my mum on the station i saw a little girl stretching and i got triggered badly because I noticed the "curves" of a literal c*, then in church i was surrounded by triggers, but i had to stay there because it was an important moment for my mother. then after i exited from church i noticed ij my left another trigger from far away and i had to check if i had seen right, because my eyes saw an inaproppriate part, and i kept looking in that direction instead of looking away. then when i hang out with my friends i saw a trigger and obsessed about the chance that i might have looked at it inaproppriately at the lower part, asking myself why i kept staring in that direction, and i had to check but that translates that I was actively searching for the triggering lower part of the body to see if it was noticeable? Absolutely sickening. And then when i saw what I was looking for I got triggered and felt like it was a proof that i was a p***. and today i saw a very triggering reel where a little girl was skating, and I kept staring at the video shocked of what my eyes were seeing. These all feel like unquestionable proofs that I could be a ****. I wish I could erase what my eyes saw. I wish I didn't have this problem. Staring ocd and pocd is a destructive pair. I will sit in distress, trying not to think about this. But I really want to punish myself for these things and wish i could just lock myself in my room. But have duties to do and i can't let my mum worry again. It's too much. Nothing can change my actions, the fact itself that I stared at an inaproppriate part of the body of a literal c* and all the things that come with it is unforgivable and abonimable. Regardless of the fact that it is ocd's fault, which I'm starting to believe that it isn't and that it's just me being in denial. Why did I stare? Was I attracted? I want none of this. I wish I could be normal and have normal problems. There is no break to ocd, every day there is a new trigger. I want to sleep forever without dreams.

ivefailed.

Date posted: 2y

when i see a k* I try to avoid completely their sight, or try to see them in their entirety and not focusing on the trigger part, but sometimes i feel like i saw a triggering part and i have to check, sometimes i literally end up seeing one and i have to keep checking, sometimes i get stuck in a trance and keep looking in that direction shocked of what just happened and keep doing something that i don't want which is to stare, as if i were "thrilled to do something taboo" as if i were "challening myself". i cant explain it. but it really feels like attraction at this point. i cant distinguish anymore. Or sometimes when i accidentally see a lower part i have to check again and look at the trigger in its entirety to make me think that i wasnt looking at that specific part, or try to focus my eyes into anything that is not that trigger, like adult people that are near that direction. What triggers me the most is when the lower part is "noticeable" and the fact that i stared at it and keep staring in that direction in disbelief and it makes me so afraid and distressed about the meaning behind the staring, it feels as if i were really attracted. I don't know. this is not something you can justify with ocd. this is a crime. i am a monster... im a... i cant bring myself to say that word. nothing changes all of it.

mattyp

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Nameless000 Your ok my friend. I have the same ocd. Your ok. Remember it’s not who you really are. It’s egodistonic. That’s why your so anxious about it. It’s not you. I would reach out and get your mom to help get you therapy on here or from someone who treats ocd. I had a question about being high. I smoke weed almost everyday and I can’t tell if it makes ocd worse or better. Does it make yours worse?

ivefailed.

Date posted: 2y

@mattyp i don't know but when im high and having a good moment my mind self sabotage itself "oh you're having a good time, it wouldn't be good if an intrusive image ruined it all"

mattyp

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Nameless000 That’s sounds so familiar. It sucks doesn’t it. I wanna enjoy it. But then ocd wants to ruin it. I totally get it !!

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

RadiantlyRed...

Date posted: 16w

POCD 😭

TW Just saw a judge video where a girl was complaining about a mom suing her for money when her mom is her agent and gives her younger sister (at 17 years old) better work because they exploit her body and THEY SHOWED PICTURES. I saw it and was like “oh my gosh is that actually what I think it is?” Then after realizing it’s like I was too shocked to look away. What is bothersome is that I wasn’t immediately repulsed enough to turn it off and didn’t immediately do so and when the picture kept showing up it’s like I kept looking at it to make sure what I saw was actually what I saw. Also, the false memory is hitting hard because now I’m wondering if I had intrusive thoughts judging her body. Now I feel like a perv and pedo 😭 It’s like I’m anxious over not being anxious enough about the situation while actually being incredibly anxious. I don’t if that made ANY sense but someone please help. I will say my mind was already incredibly vulnerable because of burnout and other very stressful events recently. Still, I feel terrible and feel I deserve to be in jail.

please44I

Date posted: 10w

I wrote things about my ocd to say to my therapist

I don't really know if these will count as ocd 'proof' and I'm almost trying to prove to myself that I have ocd at this point. I really don't know. And these don't even mention my current themes (pocd, soocd) and rocd but its kind of stopping idk. So here's what I wrote do you think it's worth mentioning or it even counts as ocd idk? -Blinking in a certain way, breathing in a certain manner till it feels right, making sure that im breathing right, holding my breath for a bit again and again, made sounds that disturbed others (my mom) because of that. -Focusing too much on my eyesight and what i see to make sure I don't have symptoms of an Illness in the eye, checking my body reactions a lot and getting scared. Checking my pulse regularly for a heart attack. Fear of dying, researching random illnesses of symptoms I have -When i was a child I pictured my family dying a lot and got intrusive thoughts about their heads being cut off, especially in Eid El adha (where we basically sacrifice cows and sheep) I couldn't handle being there because I was scared that the guy killing the cow will accidentally cut my mom's head instead and I'd picture it so graphically. random intrusive thoughts about me doing harm to others but they didn't make me anxious just disturbed, fear that someone will get in the house and kill my whole family since I was a child that I have a slight fear of doorbells. Can be sensitive to gorey images but not always a persistent fear unless I'm focused on it. In the streets I get stressed out by cars around me because I get thoughts that someone will shoot me and kill me from the car. Fear of dying in general as a kid I saw a video that talked about if you see fish in your dream it means you'll die soon and I wasn't able to sleep for a long time without literally collapsing out of tiredness because I was scared of sleeping and dying in my sleep. -Irrational fears when I hear really loud sounds, as a kid I'd hear sounds of parties or so and it stresses me out because I got intrusive thoughts about someone playing party songs but killing everyone in the enjoyment of the killing. Doorbell sounds stress me out and I keep hearing the doorbell ringing in my ears a lot that I check the door randomly sometimes. -When I play games I have to do things a certain way and I can click on a button multiple times in a different pattern until it feels right, repeating prayers constantly until they feel right. Same with the breathing from before idk if these count -I question morals a lot, I'm not sure If it's in an ocd manner but I am really scared of being a bad person with bad morals, I get scared I'm racist and sometimes I see someone from a different race and I get racist thoughts like racial slurs or so get in my head, I question morals in general a lot and the idea of them and why they exist. And that makes me scared that I'm just a terrible person and I don't want to be. I can fixate on "trying to do what's right" too much that I end up messing up more -Immense guilt on things from a long time ago that I already dealt with. -what I'd say my worst compulsions are (pure o I think) : Checking constantly, feelings or thoughts or reactions. Sneaky reassurance seeking from friends and confessing my thoughts. Excessive ruminating trying to find an answer, can take so long out of my life that I can't eat or drink. Researching my thoughts and asking people. Repeating prayers in my head constantly even though I'm not religious anymore but I get so disturbed by my thoughts.

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3 days of triggers, pocd and staring

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