Please help - real event/rocd

So the past few months, especially the past few days. My brain has just been hit with a machine gun of intrusive thoughts about things I’ve done in the past - long long before I met my boyfriend. Some of these things include drinking games with my friends getting a little out of hand and kissing people in these games that are in a relationship, friends seeing my nudes on my phone etc. Mainly thoughts about drunken nights with friends which went a little overboard. My friend group have been friends for 14 years since we were young teenagers and over the years and still remain close. My problem is with this is that my boyfriend has been around my friends, and will be in the future. I have told him about big things like if anyone including me had sex in the past etc and he is fine with it, just doesn’t really want to know, but now my brain is telling me he needs to know absolutely everything that I’ve done that I feel guilty or ashamed of because if he knew he would leave so he needs to know. I have confessed many times and each time he has not cared. Please help. I’m afraid to even see him this week because of these thoughts.

balsam

Date posted: 2y

I’m going through some similar things in my relationship - especially around thoughts that I could have done something that I know I didn’t do (on a drunk night out with friends where the memories are a little fuzzy, for example). Or wondering if I could be attracted to someone else even though I know I’m not. It’s hard because once the thought is there, it just latches on and feels like reality. It’s really scary. I’ve told my boyfriend about my struggle with OCD, but I hold off on confessing OCD thoughts to him (and other people) because I recognize that they’re just thoughts. And more importantly, I’ve discovered that confessing only helps for a moment, before another thought latches on, and then another. Confessing for me only makes me feel like I need to confess more, and then it just becomes a never-ending cycle. I’m still figuring out how to handle it, but breaking that cycle is hard. Just know you’re not alone in it!

balsam

Date posted: 2y

I definitely get that! Sometimes the OCD gets so bad that I start doubting whether a thought is reality or OCD! I’ve also had intrusive thoughts about things that happened a loooong time ago that I didn’t care about at the time because I wasn’t struggling with OCD then. Then I start digging around in my past trying to find things that I feel like I need to confess to someone. It just starts a whole loop of telling people things about me that they don’t need to know and don’t want to know. I think it’s natural to still regret some things or wish they hadn’t happened, and a hard thing about OCD is that it convinces you that even if someone tells you they don’t care about what happened in your past, you *feel* so strongly that you need to care and need to “fix it” because you feel like it makes you a bad person. It’s scary, but it’s a lie that keeps you looping and ruminating and confessing. I don’t have a definite way of knowing whether a thought is intrusive, but in my experience, the thoughts that latch on suddenly and don’t let go are usually intrusive thoughts (just my opinion though!) When I really feel like I need to confess, or seek reassurance, I try to remind myself that it’s going to make me feel relieved (which is a super addicting feeling for me) for like 10 minutes, and then the thought will come back and confessing will have made it worse. I also try to remember that confessing isn’t good for my friendships or relationships, and that if I were in my friend or boyfriend’s shoes, *I* wouldn’t want to know everything either. So I try to think about what is going to strengthen my current relationships and focus on the people around me. At the same time I think it’s good to share your general struggle with people you’re really close to (like your bf!) Maybe it’ll help to just tell him that you’re struggling with some OCD thoughts, without saying what those thoughts are. It seems like he would recognize what you’re going though, and it would help you get support from him without confession feeding the thought loop. Sorry this was so long! I’m no expert but I’m in your same position quite a lot and it also helps me to know that I’m not alone in the craziness!

Pinkprincess23

Date posted: 2y

@balsam Thank you SO much for your response!! Yes, it helps so much to know I am not alone! He is very active in my OCD journey because I have confessed to him just about every obsession that I’ve had about my ex, and he understands that it’s not me, it’s the mental illness. It’s just when something hits me, I feel like I can’t escape! The pain of the anxiety is so bad that it is almost unbearable. I had a very traumatic breakup before my relationship with my current boyfriend and I felt like I got cheated on, (not 100% sure I did get cheated on) so I definitely feel that’s why I have attached to the feeling that I’m cheating on him with my thoughts. Just curious, what other themes of OCD have you struggled with in the past? HOCD and self harm OCD have been the other ones I’ve struggled the most with.

balsam

Date posted: 2y

@Pinkprincess23 That’s great that he’s with you in it! I’m still working on opening up to my bf about it. I totally get having that feeling of like “oh no, it’s happening again” after feeling ok for a bit, and then suddenly feeling like you *have* to confess or else you’re living a lie. And I’m so sorry about your past breakup! I went through a breakup a couple years ago that just shattered my trust in relationships and in myself, and I think it’s a big reason that I struggle so much with ROCD now. I mostly struggle with real event/false memory OCD and then ROCD. I’m hoping it stops there because I can’t imagine having more themes to deal with! I’m sorry you struggle with HOCD, that sounds so hard.

balsam

Date posted: 2y

@Pinkprincess23 Have you found a therapist who specializes in OCD and has it helped? I’m still looking :)

Pinkprincess23

Date posted: 2y

@balsam Thank you so much for your kind words! As you know, everyday is a struggle but we can get through it! I feel like I struggle from real event/false memory as well, but I don’t know much about that. I always think my memories are way worse than they actually are. And yes, I have! I live out in the middle of nowhere in the south, but I have found that the OCD clinic in Louisville, KY has been so good for me! I do all telehealth appts because I am not able to make it in person, and it has been amazing. They don’t take insurance so it is strictly out of pocket, but I think it’s so worth it.

balsam

Date posted: 2y

@Pinkprincess23 Yeah I definitely think that with false memory OCD, memories are usually either worse than the actual event, or entirely made-up! It’s such a frustrating feeling when you know the memory is wrong/inaccurate, but somehow can’t kick the “what if that *did* happen” thought. It’s caused me so much anxiety in the past and can really feel debilitating. But I’ve been super encouraged to hear that people are able to manage it! It might be something that’s always there in some way, but I’m really looking forward to when I can get it more under control. I’m glad you found someone! I’m currently in the Midwest and still on the lookout for someone who’s familiar with ocd (after thinking I had only anxiety for the longest time). I wish you the best of luck with everything!!

Pinkprincess23

Date posted: 2y

I have been in the same exact boat!!! Except I have told my boyfriend every detail about my past, even certain snap conversations with a boy that amounted to nothing or thoughts that make me feel like I’ve “cheated.” It’s so distressing because anytime I remember something I’ve done in the past I feel like I HAVE to tell him.

Pinkprincess23

Date posted: 2y

It just worries me that because I had this thought so long ago and I wasn’t struggling super bad with ROCD at the time, how do I know it was intrusive? But I hardly remember anything from that time period so maybe it was OCD and I just don’t remember.

Anonnnnnm

Date posted: 23w

Please help (ROCD)!

I have been battling ocd for over a year now and it likes to switch themes. Currently, it’s attacking my relationship with my girlfriend who I’ve been with since I was in high school over 10 years ago. It first began as an intense feeling that I have to leave or break up with her over dumb little things. Then it changed into a lot of guilt for having any thought about another girl. And the worse is feeling this intense guilt for past things I’ve done in the past while in this relationship. We were so young and I was teenager, but I often found myself watching porn, fantasizing about real other people in my life, and getting off to other girls that I may have known. When I was younger I didn’t think it was bad and that it was just a normal teen boy thing, but 10 years later I have so much guilt about it. And yes I’m with the same girl now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I know I love this girl and I’m ready to propose to her soon. Anyway, these past mistakes I did when I was younger make me feel like a cheater and I can’t stop ruminating about it. I feel like I have to admit every detail and person I’ve ever had a bad thought about. I feel like if I propose to her and don’t tell her everything, that I’m a lair and didn’t give her the full picture. And the other day one of the girls I thought was hot when I was younger, came up in convo and I just went downhill. Now she knows I deal with OCD and she is very supportive, I’ve told her before that I did some bad things, but never all the details. And that’s all my brain keeps telling me to do. I have so much tightness in my chest and just want to be able to breathe again. But everyone says to not admit or it’ll reinforce the cycle, I’m just not sure how everyone else does that. And at the same time, maybe I am a cheater and just simply a bad person. Idk! I never cheated physically or anything like that, but my past mistakes feel like I did. But again I may just be a bad person! Please if anyone has advice or is dealing with similar things, I’d appreciate the help!

Relationship OCD

truespartan48

Date posted: 22w

Struggling with potential ROCD

Good morning. Anyone struggle with ROCD? When I think about what I have done in the past, I feel immense guilty (I feel the tightness in my chest) and have the urge to tell my partner about it, even if my partner says she doesn’t need to know if it is going to hurt her and that I need to talk to my therapist about it first. Any suggestions on how to manage the urge/urgency? Thanks!

DannyO507

Date posted: 10w

I need help

So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t”, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And I’m just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now I’m like “was it flirting?” “Why did I still snap this person” “why would I even talk to them” and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didn’t care, he said he understands or “that’s a little weird but it’s okay” and hasn’t missed a beat. He said eveything I’ve told him is normal and I’ve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Please help - real event/rocd

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community