Overwhelmed

It just feels like my OCD is trying to make everything into intrusive thoughts, or else hard-focusing on anything it can use as a trigger and trick me into creating intrusive thoughts. I've tried "surrendering" and ERP, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong because it just makes my OCD fight harder. I can't feel happy anymore because I'm afraid of being happy about the wrong thing (i.e., my intrusive thoughts) and--worst of all--I am afraid that I'm actually going to act on my intrusive thoughts just to see if it will make me feel better. It's to the point where I fear that my intrusive thoughts are the real "me" even though this was never a problem growing up. I don't want to end up in the hospital psych ward again (did that once), but I just don't know what else I can do. Sorry for the lengthy post, but sometimes I just feel like I need to vent to a third party.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I used to feel the same way about pedophilic obsessions aswell, go the point where I would turn my back on kids and stay 10 feet away. Now.. the thought doesn’t even cross my mind. It does get better just keep pressing on

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

It gets exhausting and doing exposures can be illuminating on how much the ocd is present. Keep doing them the ocd will get weaker. Do some self care in between working on OCD or some community care like going to a meeting or meet up with someone. It’s good to vent. It’s not gonna be like this forever.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Thanks for replying. The thing is that it wasn't this bad last year, so it's infuriating that I'm essentially having a flare up. Not to mention that my mind has a nasty tendency to essentially cross-reference stuff to make a nice, complex web of insanity. Another thing is that I'm a video gamer, and unfortunately, most of the games I play or watch YouTube videos of (Pokémon, Zelda) prominently feature children/teenagers, which sort of doesn't help. But again, this was never a problem growing up, so a part of me is trying to figure out why it's become such a problem now.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous That really sucks about the flare up. I truly hope you find a calm in the storm. I know for me there’s a lot of factors that make it worse like not sleeping enough, caffeine, or stress. Ocd likes to attack things we value. Ultimately why is not as important as how you’re going to respond now (bc why can become a distraction since it’s such an uncertain question)

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous It's "how" I respond to my intrusive thoughts that is getting me worried. I feel like that is a massive fear born of my OCD and is one I think I'm going to tackle next. Or at least discuss with my therapist.

Hopeful58

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Remember, OCD attacks what you value the most…

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I know. For example, I was asked to make a wish on blowing out the candles of my birthday cake, and I was afraid of what I wanted to wish for. I was worried that I was going to wish for something that an intrusive thought suggested. It's dumb I know, but it still kind of rattles me that my intrusive thoughts are trying to wiggle into "wishing".

anxiousmess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

this happens to me as well

iluvpink

Date posted: 21w

A small vent

I've been struggling with ocd since I was 7. I'm 18 now and it feels like the older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. I don't know how to deal with it and i feel so lost and alone. Its hard for me to even say what my intrusive thoughts are or to even fully acknowledge it to myself in my head because im scared that if i put it out in the world itll be true or if i acknowledge the thought it solidifies it and makes it true. i feel like im just over exaggerating what im feeling and im turning something that isnt there into something bigger which makes it hard to talk about it with other people. Especially because im not diagnosed but I know it's ocd but what if it isnt? What if im lying to myself or I'm just doing it to get attention and I don't realize it? I just try to deal with it on my own but it's so hard and feels impossible. I feel like ocd has contaminated every part of my life that I enjoy. The things that used to bring me comfort are now filled with things that trigger my ocd and bring me anxiety.

Anonymous

Date posted: 18w

Feel lost and without hope

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

religious OCD

Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help

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