Kinda spiraling 18+
I keep relapsing to pornography and I'm finding it really hard to stop now. I was looking for adult fictional characters and for some stupid reason cp popped up and I clicked out of there very fast. I kept trying to make my searches only this one character but other results of that horrible stuff came up and I just backed out quickly
I accidentally came across porn at 12 years old and I started developing horrible sexual intrusive thoughts for years. It took me 3 years to tell someone what was going on in my head. I was so upset that I lost three years of my life to my mind and I felt numb. I was told that I had ocd and that I clearly didn’t want these thoughts. Best thing to do it talk to a therapist about this. Find ways to deal with it. The longer you don’t face it the worse it might become.
I'm trying to work on that this weekend. I'm trying to speak with an OCD specialist who can help me get better
@BigGip09 I hope it goes well. You should be proud of yourself! Just keep doing your best!
@Anonymous Right now I feel like a complete wreck to be honest. I'm trying to be kind to myself and understand that I have an addiction and a mental illness but it's really hard
@BigGip09 That’s hard. I’m now in my mid twenties and I still struggle with intrusive sexual thoughts, but know it can get better. It will take time. Just be kind to yourself and maybe try remembering you are going to talk to someone so you do care. And it’s not easy to open up about these things so that’s a huge step!
@Anonymous I'm sorry that you struggle with those horrible thoughts. It sounds like I'm a little younger than you sure but I would just want porn to leave my life and I'll be on such a positive road to confidence and no worries at all
I know how you feel. I used to be addicted to lesbian porn but thanks to therapy, I was able to kick my addiction to the curb.
That's good to hear. I'm glad you got the help you needed. I'm just so scared that when I was browsing for something that was NOT AT ALL ILLEGAL, I got something really disturbing and nasty and illegal anyway. It made me sick, I backed out really quickly and I'm spiraling. Unfortunately this has happened randomly in the past as well, even while on legit sites and I never clicked on those. I hate that I struggle with this so much, I don't want to see anything of that nature. I just want this to stop
@BigGip09 I'm trying to calm down and I'm trying to not go through another relapse and just try and relax.
What healthy coping skills can you do to calm down?
Deep breathing, distracting myself with other things. But I only got 2 hours of sleep because of these relapses and I can't sleep. Either that or I'm scared too since it invokes my sleep anxiety. I HATE it when this happens. Why would that stuff pop up so easily when I'm not searching for it at all. It was a fictional character that I've always found attractive, I kept getting thoughts to not search stuff, I did it anyway, and for the most part it was normal stuff I'm okay with but then twice I saw stuff that was really really disgusting. I couldn't fight the urge to not relapse but I just hate that this showed up more than anything
Now I'm getting thoughts that say because this has unfortunately happened before it's saying I wanted this to happen low-key but that doesn't make any sense because I was really disturbed and felt panic in my chest while I was clicking the back button really fast. Even on YouTube this can happen
Constantly kept doing checking compulsions about this but it didn't make it any better. I checked to look up many things that I made sure had adults which is what I want but then one video left me unsure but I'm assuming it's an adult because the channel has been up for a long time and people watch it but the clothes she was wearing made me disturbed so I clicked on a video with the intent to report it but then I got scared about reporting it falsely so I didn't. Sigh
I think you feel guilty more than anything and that’s normal but you gotta remember that we’re only human. I used to watch all kinds of porn when I was a kid and even as an adult and it gave me so much guilt because I felt like people would judge me but I was only judging myself. I even worked at an adult store and I was numb to all the porno tapes surrounding me but still felt completely weird buying one, EVEN THOUGH I WORKED THERE. Everyone watches it at some point or In some form. I feel like you know your not into cp but your ocd makes you scared that you could be. Trust me I felt the same way. And it doesn’t make it better that there actually are people out there that like that stuff. Be strong and find another outlet. Whether it’s toys or a friends with benefits you can trust to keep you company. Or obviously a significant other. We had a saying in the adult store that I worked at “no kink shaming”. The more you judge yourself the worse you feel. Take a deep breath and accept all your thoughts and the ones that aren’t true will fade. Ps. Humans were made to sin. There’s normal adults out there who probably actually are attracted to minors and trying to either cover it up or get help for it. So don’t feel bad just be supportive of people who probably have it worse.
I'm just trying to not watch this stuff anymore but I feel like I'm a horrible person for accidentally stumbling into disgusting stuff where on YouTube or adult sites, or just images of a search engine. I don't know how this keeps happening but when I search for one thing, I'll get someone that isn't related to my search and it's disgusting. This mostly happens with fictional characters. I know for a fact that I wouldn't want to watch CP and that stuff is disgusting but whenever I browse for porn I accidentally see it and then I'm thrown off entirely. You're right, I really do need to find another outlet but I somehow just keep going back to this over and over again. I know I'm truly addicted and I know that I have a problem and I honestly need help. I can't do this on my own anymore. I hate that I'll search for something but as I browse, disgusting shit. Literally just now I browsed for a fictional adult character that I'm attracted to, a YouTube channel had a video on her, I clicked on it thinking "I wonder what else this channel has" and it was literal CP on the home page. I tried to report it for inappropriate content but there was literally no option for that at all so I ended up not reporting it. This is so frustrating and disgusting and I hate that this keeps happening to me. I feel so bad for other people that have gone through this
18+ only Aside from anxiety and intrusive thoughts, which to be honest I'm not as bothered by them like I used to be, there's something else that bothers me just as much, if not more than those things combined. That bothersome thing is pornography. It's been a bother in my life ever since I first discovered it when I was very young. It's always been messing with me. It's like this dirty secret that I engage with and I honestly don't know why I still do to this day. It doesn't help me. I feel bad about it every single time. It amplifies my anxiety and the other day it hurt a friend I deeply care about. The thing is, I've talked about this previously on here, so I just appear like a broken record. At this point, I'm addicted to it I don't want to be, but I am. This is something that takes advantage of your mind. Even if you say no, your mind won't. Worst yet, it appears everywhere in many forms. I feel so dirty. Everytime I end up relapsing I just feel horrible. Horrible due to the fact that this is associating with who I am, even though I don't think it aligns with my morals nor my goals. Not even close. I also feel like this stumped my social development in my adolescence. I understand that teenagers get all wonky with hormones and it isn't like I had a roadmap with going through high school, but pornography definitely made things more difficult. A lot of risky actions were made, bad decisions, and regretful imagery that to this day still messes with me from time to time. I thank God for the days I'm not being distracted and disturbed by those kind of thoughts 24/7. Today, I still think that's bothering me. Another thing that makes me sick is how easily extreme and zany videos can be even when you're not looking for those kind of things. I can Google one thing and it will either give me the opposite or something completely different. Unfortunately, this can include very disturbing things that I wish I wouldn't have seen. This is the only thing I feel so much shame for and I just want it to die. I don't want to deal with it anymore. Yesterday's relapse was one of the worst ones in a long time. I just don't want to keep dealing with this stuff anymore. I wish it were as easy as picking it up, and throwing it out, but the urges and the thoughts and the visualizations come back.
Just a heads up this is a little NSFW So I’ve had POCD for a hot minute, since I was 18. When I was 15-17 I can’t remember the age could have been 14 I don’t know. I went on Wattpad and would look for like smutty pictures. I remember I kept going back to this one book because it had a lot of chapters and images. It had a lot of dipper from gravity falls and even one with him and that triangle dude. I feel gross because I kept going back. I do know I didn’t like that it was that character I just liked the fact the images were sexual in nature but as I type this I don’t even know if I liked them but kept looking out of curiosity? I think I’m replaying the memory too much. I don’t wanna ask for reassurance because I know it’ll only add temporary relief but I needed to get this off my chest because I feel like a terrible person. I’ve also seen the Simpsons like all characters that was disturbing. Basically it’s under rule 34 (if it exists there’s p0rn of it) but I was a horny teen/kid on the unregulated internet and I sometimes wish I never had a phone when I was younger. Anyway I feel like a terrible person and just wanna know if I’m a creep or not…
Im terrified and highly triggered about what i think i saw. Trigger warning : p*rn I was using this p*rn site called sp*nkb*ng.com which I thought it was safe and that it only cointained adult videos, but now im not so sure. I had searched the category "japanese m*lf vr" because by typing the world m*lf I was more at ease thinking that I wouldn't have to worry about coming across anything triggering and strange. But while I was scrolling through the videos I came across this video which had as a thumbnail a highly disturbing image: there was this girl with a very small body and the arms looked very short (maybe they looked short because they were bent ?) I don't know if it just looked that way because the image in the thumbnail was distorted/on a weird angle or if the girl in the thumbnail happened to be a woman with an unusual small body. I didn't click on the video, I didn't dare to check in case my fear were to be revealed true, but I kept looking at the thumbnail in disbelief and in horror not believing what I was seeing, hoping that I had seen just wrong but nothing changed. I'm terrified that I might have saw something illegal. I feel extremely triggered and I'm currently in high distress. While I was searching about the legality and safety of these adult sites I saw this article and it triggered me a lot. The disturbing and disgusting words I had to read have tainted and stained my brain and now I have the worst and most disgusting words stuck in the chamber of my mind. I feel rotted and gross, I'm currently feeling the abomination and the evilness associated with these words. https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex-addiction/2013/04/legal-traps-for-internet-porn-users-5-ways-you-can-get-in-trouble?c=580741382859#1 I know the solution is to quit p*rn completely as it triggers those with ocd. But it's not easy. I was feeling excited and now I feel wrong and gross as if I commited a crime, like a complicit. I'm completely turned off. I feel horrible. Does anybody had something like this happen to them as well?
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