Washing

@kangaroo87 It’s the same way for me. Right now I know I’m going through an episode, I have overcome this before, it’s just I’ve never had a problem with the showers before but now it seems that the ocd have latched onto it, and now it’s exhausting. I find that what I have a set amount of time I can shower for I’m usually able to move through it better too.

@Nabucho You mean you need to shower after any activity you do?

@Matthew L. Yes, especially after I’ve been to the bathroom, even I just do number 1. So I prefer to stay at my desk all day to avoid « contamination » and I avoid drinking too much too so I don’t need to use the bathroom. But it has caused me health problems. And my skin is hurting bc of how dry it has become from washing. And I also, like you, get stuck in the shower because I wash in very specific steps.

@Nabucho I feel very similar to this. I have wiping compulsions so when I use the bathroom it feels like I’m never clean enough. I feel like I have to use baby wipes and I usually end up in a compulsive cycle when I’m wiping myself. But the showers have just been the worse for me lately.. I love feeling clean, I used to love showering but now it’s like a nightmare. I get stuck in the compulsions and I end up washing my hands over and over and over again. My hands are very dry too, I usually keep lotion with me every where I go because my hands crack otherwise.

@Lulu_20 Im truly surprised, kinda relieved but also kinda sad to see how I’m not crazy, I’m not the only one who goes through this. I relate to you a lot, showers used to be a time I enjoyed a lot, now it’s a nightmare. In the bathroom, in my home we have like little hose let’s say, right next to the toilet to wash ourselves. So we use paper, soap and water. And I get stuck too wiping and washing over and over again making sure that I’m 100% clean and even when I know I am, I find it difficult to stop because of the anxiety and the « what if ? » in my head that’s ruining my life. The problem is that my skin in this intimate area is so damaged, and my hands make me want to cry when I don’t use cream

@Nabucho I hate using the bathroom. One of my main concerns, that I went accurately & put seat down, flushed. I watch it flush, before washing my hands. Sometimes even after I leave bathroom, I’ll think back that I did everything right. When I have to wipe, I have a system: I count to a number, then drop paper in bowl. I allow myself to do this twice, then I flush. I used to feel like I didn’t clean myself enough, however it’s gotten better. Despite washing in the shower in a particular way, I don’t overdo it too much, & get out pretty quickly.

@Nabucho Yes, the what ifs. I’ve come up with a way to clean myself after using bathroom that I won’t over wipe. I do wash those areas more than I should, but not too long. Do you, when you go number 1, worry about how you left the bathroom, that you did each step?

@Matthew L. I get this completely. When I’m wiping it has to be a certain amount, and The paper has to rip completely straight across for me or else I feel like it has hit the seat and then it’s the ocd thinks it’s contaminated. When I’m using public restrooms I have to cover the seat compl with toilet paper, and I feel like even when I do it the ocd starts doubting that I even did it and if someone else instead left it like that and therefore being contaminated by someone else… ugh I get this completely

@Nabucho I get this, you are not alone. My hands are so dry that it feels like I can’t open them completely without it really hurting. I’m always having to put lotion on. I understand the wiping part I’m the same way, it has to feel just right for me or else the ocd makes me think I’m contaminated or I’m going to catch a disease. Usually I do it in numbers but when that doesn’t feel right I usually keep going and I feel really embarrassed of how much toilet paper I use.

@Lulu_20 I rip the paper off in a certain way, count when wiping, so I don’t overdo it. When I go #1, I worry that I left bowl clean and that I flushed. I have that doubt about if I’ve done each step. Public restrooms don’t bother me, too much. I still try to leave it clean. I wonder how people who leave the bathroom in bad shape, go on without a second thought?

@Matthew L. Im not sure I understand your question. But I can’t leave the bathroom or shower until I’m 100% sure about each step and it’s really complicated for us with ocd to be sure about anything. So once I pull myself out of the compulsion when cleaning myself, I need to wash my hands with bleach, then I wash the bathroom with bleach too and once it’s completely clean I wash my hands and arms a million times before being able to go out. If I didn’t answer correctly please explain to me. And also tell me how it is for you if you don’t mind

@Lulu_20 This is the same for me ! I’m ashamed of how much paper and soap I use. And I get so many remarks about it at home. I know it’s wasteful, I feel like it’s an illness of waste. But I can’t help it. If I don’t clean until it’s right, I just see my hands as contaminated, like I could actually see the bacterias growing on them and the anxiety that comes with it is unbearable. But the rituals are unbearable too. I’m physically and especially mentally exhausted bc of them

@Nabucho When I use the bathroom, I just have the worries that I left things clean, I flushed, turned off light, opened door. I don’t need to clean the toilet or shower every time I use them. I just feel I need it to be just right. I hope you better understand what I mean. I worry about the bathroom, but not to extent of having to clean it each time. I don’t need to wash my hands very long.

@Nabucho I get physically exhausted sometimes because of ritualistic overthinking.

@Nabucho Im the same way at home, I literally feel so ashamed I feel like it’s my fault that we go through toilet paper and soap so quickly. I also just hate when people walk by when im washing my hands because I feel like there’s judgement and then I feel like I’m not paying fulling attention and then I have to redo the compulsions.. 😭 I know it’s really wasteful too, and I don’t want to be spending my money on body wash and hand soap but it’s so difficult you are so right and it makes me feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it

@Matthew L. I understand this too, there’s like this certain uneasy feeling like it’s not right or I just need to check one more time to feel like a little ease. But overall I know that just fuels the ocd. But I also understand this uneasy feeling of needing it to feel right

@Lulu_20 I get uneasy feeling, but I don’t go back and check. With bathroom, I might worry afterwards, but I don’t go back. Yes, I try not to fuel my OCD by not checking. Yes, it’s uneasy to want it to feel right.

@mflo I feel the same way, how are you able to get yourself out of the shower with the compulsions? That’s the worst part of it for me, I literally just have to force myself to stop and get out because I know I’ve been in there for too long.

@Lulu_20 It’s tricky. I usually get my husband involved and have him “save” me. It’s not healthy - but like I have to tell him what’s it going on and he usually does a pep talk and counts down with me. I feel like I must have missed a part of the routine and getting tempted to start all over again - but having him there watching helps me realize I did what I needed/wanted to do and need to move on. The hope is that I don’t need his presence as time goes on to go about a basic task. And actually eventually not shower as a compulsion either obviously.

@Lulu_20 I also think the thing is - we just have to stop. We just have to say “fuck it. I’m not gunna do that just because ocd tells me to” But to be honest, I just started therapy and I’m not quite there. But I know that’s my hope. So if you can - at all - just “I think the fuck not!” To what ocd is telling you do (stay in the shower and do the compulsions) Sorry for the vulgar language - but it’s all I have for this terrible thing!

@mflo No I think this is great, I do this with my boyfriend too! I talked to my therapist about this, and she said that if for now a support person helps you get through the compulsion then that’s a step on the ladder. It’s okay to need the help, eventually I know we both will get through it and be able to do it on our own but that’s okay to have your husband help you while you do the erp, while you work towards doing it on your own. I find that my boyfriend standing in the bathroom helps me to feel less anxious too, sometimes it’s easier having someone to support you so it doesn’t feel like you are alone with the thoughts.

@mflo I’m really glad you shared this, I felt really ashamed that I do this too, I feel a lot less alone now, thank you ❤️

@Lulu_20 Totally. Seems like we are having the same idea and the same way of coping with this particular compulsion. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. We will get through this! One step at a time.

@mflo How long have you been suffering with this? For me it’s been a couple of months since the shower compulsions have started.. it’s also with my towels too, and the laundry, so it doesn’t even start with the shower 😭I’ve had ocd for years, but for me I usually am able to get through the episodes, but when I have intense anxiety or anxiety inducing life events, it usually sends me into an episode

@Lulu_20 Shower compulsions, towels & laundry used to be bad.

@Lulu_20 I’m able to feel clean enough, and turn off shower & dry myself.

@Lulu_20 Years…different types when I was a teenager…now for 5-6 years with this contamination thing (since becoming a mom). Truly sparked by stressful things. For me motherhood. And then recently, I lost a surrogate baby (I’m a gestational carrier) at 19 weeks and it got even more intense. So I totally agree with what you are saying.

@mflo So sorry about your loss. My subtypes have changed over the years. When a teen into my twenties, I guess I wasn’t as affected with OCD as now. Now, I deal with different triggers and more anxiety.

@Matthew L. It’s so rough that it can change. It has no rules!

@mflo Nope. At least I feel I’m doing better, with things. My med I’ve been on for a month now, might be helping.

@Nematodes11 I don’t necessarily get stuck in the shower, but I do tend to wash myself over numerous times, before I get out. I get what you mean about SAW. The traps you have to maneuver yourself out of.