I keep giving into compulsions

I've been struggling a lot with giving into my obsessive thoughts and compulsively downloading Grindr. I've always thought of myself as asexual, since I was 14. Recently, I've thought of myself more as queer (like more open sexually). But the thought of doing anything with another guy makes me think God will do something to hurt someone I love (family, friends, etc.) I keep wanting to "get myself out there and experience new things", but not at the expense of my loved ones. It feels like everyday I download the app (to make other queer friends or "try something new") but I always end up deleting it out of fear that God will kill someone I love. It's a constant spiral of indecision and craziness in my head and I just want to stop caring about that dang app. But I always convince myself, "it's okay, God will forgive you, try it out", only to get the same "I will hurt someone you love if you don't delete that app". Just really tired and I keep giving into my compulsions surrounding that whole thing, I don't know how to stop.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Just go be gay and happy brotha

coolguymichael

Date posted: 1y ago

Thanks haha. I don't think being gay is wrong by ANY means (I identify as queer). I just hear the "voice of God" in my head telling me to act differently. I'm struggling with what to follow: my conscience or what I believe to be the voice of God in my head.

MK30

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Live your life the best that you can to your morals and values. Are you currently in therapy for OCD?

coolguymichael

Date posted: 1y ago

I've been in therapy on and off for about seven years now. And thanks for the message :)

LowellT

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I understand your struggle. You mention “God”. I don’t know what you mean by “God”. Is it a perception you put together from bits and pieces from other perspectives etc.? I’m only saying that to let you know I don’t know where you’re coming from. You say God will kill someone you love and if I do a same sex relationship God will forgive me. I am a Christian. I became a Christian when I was 18. That’s when I came to believe in the Lord Jesus that by believing in His death and resection I am forgiven of the things I have done wrong (my sins) and He presently helps me to live a life to please Him. Sexual morality is very important. If a spouse commits adultery that is ramifications. We can choose our sin but not the ramifications of it. If you choose to have a same sex relationship that is your choice. God doesn’t use that as a chess game like you did that so I will now kill someone you love. This is me speaking as a Christian. He can and does forgive us through believing in the Lord Jesus. But when someone chooses to go against His ways there is ramifications. As an example if I feel like doing 45 mph in a school zone I can do it but there will be ramifications. I would just like to propose to you that if I feel like I want something does that make it alright to go after it? As you shared you’re thoughts I shared mine. Feel feee to let me know what you think.

coolguymichael

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm a Christian also, but I feel like my OCD personifies itself as the "voice of God" (or I personify it as that idk). So, in the heat of my anxiety, it's tough to differentiate between the real voice of God and the OCD voice in my head. I know that the real God will forgive me, and that there will be ramifications for my actions, but I obsess over this app and I compulsively download it again and again. I just need to break that cycle, and I believe that my anxiety will decrease. I just need to have faith in God and ignore my OCD, and I'll be okay. The latter is a lot easier said than done 😂 thanks for the message, I really appreciate you hearing me out and listening to my story :)

LowellT

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I totally understand your struggle. I became a Christian when I was 18. IIIWhen my OCD skyrocketed 2 years ago I would get all anxious if I thought I reacted selfishly etc. just to give you an idea. When my OCD skyrocketed I apologized to my wife at least 1000 times in one year. So my ERP was to get on with life when I felt the need to apologize- it was tough. But it has gotten much better. One thing that helped other the the ERP was realizing that for 40 years I never felt God work like that in my life. But then when my OCD skyrocketed I felt God was working like that now. So what changed? It was me translating God through my OCD. Instead I realized I needed to go back to the Bible and have that be how I see how God works and not use OCD as a standard. I totally understand your struggle. The only difference between you and me is what triggers us. Each time we say “No” to OCD it losses just less of a grip on us. I know you can say “No” to OCD 👍.

coolguymichael

Date posted: 1y ago

Thanks for sharing, I definitely can relate to your struggles. OCD is a continuous battle, and I'm gonna keep up this fight against OCD, and keep saying "No" even if its tough

LowellT

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

In the beginning of the message I just sent I couldn’t fix the typo - it was to say “I became a Christian when I was 18 now I’m 62”. And at the end if the message it was to say, “When we say “No” to OCD it losses that much less of a grip on us”.

Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w ago

It’s been a while but

The thoughts still exist. For the last couple months I’ve been able to say I don’t care and lean into the comfort of being uncertain. Im having a tough time with some things personally right now and guess what decides to show up… Anyways, I’ve been trying to get used to the fact that maybe I’m bisexual with a romantic preference for men (I’m married and love my husband) but when you start going through your compulsions it’s soooo easy for everything to blur out. To my knowledge I’ve never had a crush on a woman but I’ve most definitely watched same sex porn and have thought women are hot and beautiful, then come the thoughts about comp het and how I’ve never been an overly sexual person so that MUST mean something. Ugh idk, just looking for someone to chat with I guess!

Jesuslover28

Date posted: 15w ago

Idk what to do

I don't even know if I should put this here, but I have the greatest girlfriend in the whole world, and I love her very much, but my thoughts keep saying I'm going to hurt her, so I can hurt God and idk what to do, I feel so disgusted and idk what to do, and the worst part is why does some part of me just not even care idk what to do anymore, it's almost like I'm turning into this horrible person and idk what to do, I'm really not sure what to do. I have really been able to be happy I just feel like I don't deserve it and I want to care about people and God and I want to be a good person, but a part of me shuts off my caring nature and idk what to do, I'm really freaking out because it's like IDC and idk what to do I just feel so nasty and scared because why don't I feel like I care. Why does it feel like it's something I wanna do idk, what to do I'm really freaking worried. Also I don't want OCD but a part of me says I need it or I like these thoughts and idk what to do, as im writing this i just feel like laughing and idk what to do, i really judt want jesus to hug me and say everything will be alright, i am such a monster....

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 10w ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

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I keep giving into compulsions

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