- Date posted
- 2y
My ocd trigger
Hi this post isn't meant for reassurance, I just wanted to vent out my thoughts and trigger for this ocd. Sorry if this is triggering for anyone. I'm a tutor for English and was going through a practice response I'd written around 4 years ago and the starting was how I'd want to dress up as the knight and save my cousins rather than be the princess (I'm a girl who's always had crushes on guys). While in the back of my mind I knew I'd just written this not because it was true but to write a personal anecdote for the assignment that showed gender inequality and stereotypes, it triggered me. In fact, I remember in preschool pretending to play Harry Potter and being stuck in a house and wanting my guy friend (who was pretending to be Harry) to save me (it probably sounds weird sorry). I started to feel so horrible like what if all the intrusive thoughts are true and in reality I am in denial and I'm just using OCD as some excuse. Since OCD started I've been constantly checking whenever on social media or YouTube to the point where sometimes i might not feel my previous nausea when imagining kissing another girl and that scares me like what if I'm actually turning gay (eventhough I'm not excited or attracted to breasts) yet I feel like I'm turning gay. Before the OCD I was probably the most boy crazy person ever. P.s. my dad I'd say has anger issues and I've always had emotional abuse growing up. This led me to think what if all guys are like that (eventhough i knew it wasn't true). That then led me to going back to every crush i had growing up which were guys and then I'd question myself what if it wasn’t real or true and i was just faking it. The biggest memory that prompted this questioning was this experience I had in my last year of high school. I was having 2 boy crushes (different times) during the year. At the time I had a close friend who shared the same birthday as me and year and because of that I'd start picking out things we had in common and start thinking we were twins (this was when we first became friends). She was there to listen when I had rocd in grade 10 when my friendship group excluded me which completly shattered my self confidence and esteem - and now looking back i might’ve given her too much credit for listening (not in a rude way but whenever she was rude to me I would think oh but she was there for me in year 10). I can actually think of a few times now when she was rude especially during the last two years of high school. Anyway, so this friend I found out was lesbian and it didn't really bother me at the time (which now is a trigger because I'm question does that mean I'm lesbian too because I didn't think much of it?) And I remember another incident when another girl in my class was asking people "if they were gay?" and I was like "no" in a slightly annoyed way but then feeling anxious because I'm thinking what if I was denial and said it that way. Because this friend was rude I started distancing from her, but I can remember times when she'd seem jealous if I'd talk to this new friend who was also gay - now again a trigger for me because I'm thinking what if I thought this new friend was pretty and wanted to be friends and that means I'm gay? - like once this new friend rested her head on my shoulder and I remember being like there's not going to be comfortable because I'm skinny and my friend (with the same birthday - sorry if it's getting confusing) being like "you're not even that close, right? So why was she lying on your shoulder?" I for some reason liked the jealous attention my friend was giving me and started to think someone finally loves me and is giving me attention. One thing i do remember is that sometimes when this friend would get close physically I'd get anxious and move back a bit or say something to get her to move back - but now the OCD makes me doubt that like what if you secretly liked it though). I remember clearly feeling uncomfortable and awkward during photos we took during formal (basically prom but in my school- all girls school- no boys allowed) when she were hugging and her hand was near my waist/side of my boob and feeling slightly disgusted by the idea of doing something intimate with her. This to any other person on planet earth would be a big indicator that they're not lesbian and were just liking the attention but my OCD brain keeps bringing up the fact that I liked the attention so that means I'm gay and it makes me feel guilty and upset and anxious (not in a homophobic way, I've had friends who were part of the lgbtq community and I never felt attraction but thought of them as good friends). I remember having a full on panic attack the day after formal where I felt extremely nauseous, not feeling like eating and vomitted a bit and really really anxiousa and horrible for probably a few days because of the thought that what if this means I'm lesbian. Looking back I'd say the HOCD/SOOCD was there during the time after formal but went away for about a few months when the ROCD started (I'm single btw) and I'd be non stop watching tiktoks and imagining a future with a guy who is emotionally mature, gentle, caring, romantic, loving and my best friend. I'd also feel hopeless because i would see so many people in relationships or engaged and I'd feel so lonely. I'd get really triggered when going to college especially during pride month where I'd be so anxious (again no hate to anyone who is part of the lgbt community). My biggest fear is what if I realise my whole life was a lie and I was secretly gay this whole time or that I fall in love with a woman instead of a man and the future I've always imagined was just a lie. I can also point out other moments of my life where I've had ocd or shown symptoms of ocd and anxiety in the past, yet this feels so real. I've been struggling with this for nearly 4 months now and it feels like the worst thing to possibly happen to me.