Potential false memory, POCD, real event 18+

Back in early 2021 when I was still sort of new to OCD, I unfortunately still had a lot of problems with my porn addiction. I have a fetish that I'm okay with and it's usually my go to for videos in the past. One day around that time though, I made a search to take the usual thing and escalate to something more and it makes me shameful and have a lot of guilt. It was incest related and it's also giving me false memories of POCD intentions, but I refuse to believe that I want to see something of that nature. That's disgusting. I think I only did this for the taboo because that's how the addiction works. I searched it, didn't really find anything related to it, found a video and barely watched it. But after that, I just broke down crying. Crying over the fact that I have such a problem with porn for so long and that it turns me into this. Not long ago I did the same thing with the same fetish but tied it to something else because I saw a video that included it and gave me the idea to escalate to this theme. I did it, felt bad about it in the process but I think I still climaxed from it and felt so much shame, pain, and disgust with myself that I couldn't even sleep that night. To me it wasn't worse than the other time I did this but it still makes me feel extremely horrible. I'm doing my best to just cut porn out of my life because this has honestly ruined my life ever since I was a teenager. It's been a bother ever since I was exposed to it and hated it since I was 15. This makes me feel like a nasty, creepy person even though I just want to separate this addiction from who I really am because I know it isn't me deep down.

AhFuckethThr...

Date posted: 2y

Addictions don't define a person. This is just companies preying on young people. I don't blame young men I blame the pimps. Think of it as any addiction, screen time for example , someone scrolling tiktok for 8 hours. They're not a bad person since tiktok is designed to he addictive the way porn is. This is basically what porn is designed to do, it's supposed to get yoy addicted by offering a wide variety of types of sexual content that can be extreme. Maybe if you looked at it as symptoms than charavter flaws you'd have a better time fixing the issue

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

What do you mean symptoms? I'd like to know more of that. I want to believe that and that's what I tell other people as well. I just get so caught up in the things I've seen and the things that I did to act out during those times and I just get really discouraged and sad. Sometimes I just break down crying, wishing that it never happened at all. I still wish it didn't happen but I have to start phrasing these things differently. I'm not my addiction and other people aren't their addiction. I'm not my OCD, even if it says that I think, feel, or visualize intrusive thoughts. Maybe if I just build on this I'll get better day by day.

AhFuckethThr...

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 I mean look at addiction as a disease and your actions as side effects or symptoms of it

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@AhFuckethThroaway That actually helps me quite a bit. I'm trying to separate myself from the addiction, just like I easily would. I'm still going back to my usual ways of thinking but I think that's the OCD. But what if it isn't? I don't know

Canofbeans

Date posted: 23w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Real event false memory ruining enjoyment guilt

Hi everyone, I'm struggling with what I think are intrusive thoughts, possibly related to OCD, and I'm hoping someone here might relate. When I was younger, in my early teens, I went through a period where I had a strong interest in pornography. During that time, I encountered hentai involving male characters, related to an anime I enjoyed. One of the characters was someone I even looked up to. I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this, but I believe I engaged in sexual activity related to it. Years later, I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts about this. I feel intense self-disgust and shame. It's like this memory has "tainted" my ability to enjoy that anime, and sometimes other things. I'm constantly replaying the situation in my mind, questioning my past actions, and worrying about what it means about me. The anxiety is significantly impacting my life. Does anyone else experience intrusive thoughts focused on past events, particularly those that cause feelings of shame or disgust? How do you cope with the constant replaying and questioning? I'm looking for support and understanding. Thank you for listening.

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Potential false memory, POCD, real event 18+

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