Had recovered years ago and relapsed recently.

I had intrusive thoughts about my sexuality in 2017. These caused me great distress and really awful days back then. I remember getting through it. It took me a couple months to get through it but eventually I felt like myself again. I remember crying in class it was my senior year and it was so hard to concentrate on anything. I got through it alone without therapy or medication. Recently I took a 100mg delta 8 edible that caused a intense panic attack and multiple that followed for weeks. It caused intense harm ocd that is bothering me and I had a flare up today. I get thoughts i will cause mass violence or violence to my loved ones. I am a very loving, gentle person. I saw a psychiatrist some weeks ago and I feel misdiagnosed. He said I had MDD which I do not agree with because i love life and everything it has to offer. I get extremely scared of going insane, psychotic or manic. I have never had delusions or hallucinations. I just can’t shake the horrendous thoughts i get. Im on buspirone and hydroxyzine, i do want to get off the buspar but need to see my doctor again first. I want to pull through this the first time I did. The first time around was also caused from marijuana use .( stupid of me that I didn’t learn from the first time around I know.) I can’t wait to get back to the old me. Im trying to show self compassion and love but when im in a flare up I feel better off dead or as if I would rather cut my hands off before ever hurting anyone . I cry so much and get extremely tired of those ugly thoughts. I feel lost and that im losing my entire life.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Weed is tricky In my opinion. It's supposed to "relieve anxiety" but it really doesn't for some people, and it can just cause a ton of overthinking. Just like you, I had a terrible trip from weed when I as depressed from an injury. At the time I was vulnerable and I didn't know I would have intrusive thoughts ever again because I thought I was "over them." Now that I look back, I realized that the only reason I felt over them, is because I could escape them by going somewhere, or avoiding the intrusive thought by physically moving to a different area, etc. This time, the intrusive thoughts I was having made me feel like I had no escape I feel like Im similar to you in ways, like the way you describe you don't want to go crazy. First of all, you are OK, so try not to dwell on it too much, and. also it's not your fault. Try and slow things down as much as possible and take a step back. The more you worry about your intrusive thoughts the more you are going to obsess over them. I saw this video from an OCD expert, and he mentions how to deal with some of these thoughts. He says "Put on your party hat and let the thought go in welcomely and out of your head welcomely too." When I saw this it changed by perspective on my intrusive thoughts. You are a great person, and it logically makes sense for you to "block out negative thoughts", and I thought the same thing, but it's not completely true. The intrusive thoughts that you are having do not define you at all, and are completely random. They can be fucked up trust me, but they aren't real unless you make them.

laladracu

Date posted: 18w

Harm ocd

I’ve been through a lot of trauma the past few months and years and had an anxiety breakthrough where I can’t stop having panic and anxiety attacks. I used to be a horror movie addict and one night during an anxiety attack my brain went “Kill your sister” My sister is my whole world. It all went downhill from there. I can’t even be around her when were home alone anymore. Every single day since then my brain is trying to tell me a bunch of different ways to harm her. Its getting to a point where its involving others now. “Kill your sister.” “What if you finally go back to your boyfriends house and kill his family?” “What if you kill mom?” “Kill that lady walking down the aisle at work.” “What if you killed yourself?” “You’re a bad person for thinking all of this.” “You shouldn’t be allowed to sleep, eat or relax. Bad people don’t get to do those things.” “These thoughts are in your head 24/7 because you WANT to do these things!” Its causing me so much anxiety and racing thoughts and I don’t want to become anymore depressed. SSRIs dont work. My doctor wants me to go on antipsychotics but I’m afraid to and I feel like I don’t actually need them and it will cause more damage. My goal is to become the person I was before all of this. Not to change completely. I tried buspirone once and I stopped due to increased health anxiety and often found myself saying “remember when you wanted to kill your sister?” and then brushing it off. It helped in some sort of way. I was only on it for a week. My whole life has changed since then. I dont go to my boyfriends house anymore, I dont see my friends, I can’t play video games anymore. All I do is ruminate and I cant stop. I cant even hold a conversation anymore. The compulsions are horrible. I’m so scared that theres no coming back from this. Its all adding to the anxiety that I don’t want to become severe depression. I just want to be me again. I’m starting off ERP and if it doesn’t work I dont know what to do. Can someone please tell me they have been through similar and have gotten better. I just need to save my life. Its getting to a point where this is convincing me this is all real and its going to happen and that im gonna become a psychopath. Its been going on for 3 months. I used to be so bubbly and happy!! (I am not schizoaffective)

laladracu

Date posted: 16w

OCD is through the roof

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

Harm OCD

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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Had recovered years ago and relapsed recently.

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