This is needing advice/ support and kinda a rant. I’ll keep it short. Life has been really stressful lately. I have ROCD. I question often if I love my husband. I also get very obsessive about my feelings (if I’m fully happy in life, if my emotions are being blunted by medicine, so forth). I have been working hard to overcome it, but sometimes with the way life is I have trouble. Our MIL had to move in with us. She’s disabled and can’t afford to live on her own. This has made her so depressed. She’s negative all the time. But she’s also very picky. She likes things her way. We are undergoing construction on our house and she keeps questioning the people and complaining. It drives my husband and I crazy. There are other stresses going on but not worth going into. My husband is getting fed up. Life has been so busy and stressful he’s feeling down. It makes me feel down, and puts me in an ocd/depressive cycle. I feel like I’m numb to life right now. I’m getting little enjoyment out of things. And when I do, it’s only on my own. I come home and home is just a ball of stress. Even when my husband is in a good mood, I just can’t get over what’s going on. I’m not talkative. I feel like being alone, I can’t enjoy our time together. It’s like I want to be mad and upset. It’s easier I think. I don’t know. Our 1 yr anniversary is coming up next month and it’s horrible but I feel like I don’t even wanna celebrate. We were so happy on our wedding day. And life since then has been non stop stress. I feel stuck guys. I don’t know what to do. Life is getting in the way of us being able to connect and be close. In the beginning I was positive and and strong, but I think I’m just worn out now. Of course my ocd loves to feed of the thoughts that I’m not happy and this means I don’t love my husband. And I’m doing ERP on it. But anyways that’s it. Anything anyone has to say is appreciated. Everyone on this sub is amazing.

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

Really need input. I have been suffering with doubts and thoughts since November. I saw a therapist who diagnosed me with OCD and have been in OCD medication for a couple months now. The meds have helped drastically with the frequency and urgency of my thoughts. But over the last week or so they have increased again. I did just get laid off from my job so I’m not sure if the stress from that has anything to do with it. But I’m at the point of questioning whether it really even is ROCD or if I’ve just been using it as an excuse to not see red flags. For example, my doubts are mainly around his contribution to chores, our quality time and romance, and how much of the load he will carry in the future once kids and things come into the picture. He is a hard worker who works long hours. He does also have ADHD which I think could be important to know here. But he will often say he is going to do little things like “Wednesday we will play a game together that night” and then they day comes and he ends up being too tired to play or just wants to watch our show together instead. And then if he doesn’t do a chore on the exact day he’s supposed to I start thinking he doesn’t care or doesn’t keep his word. I feel like I’m constantly asking for dates or romance or him to say sweet things. And I know sometimes he does. But at this point I can’t tell if it’s genuine unmet needs or if ROCD is making me not see the positive things he does or if ROCD is making me think I need more of these things because of unrealistic expectations or comparisons to social media. I think I know deep down I love him and want to be with him but then I start to think that I’m being treated wrong or that I’m settling. Please help.

I honestly just need to vent. I am feeling so defeated. My wedding is coming up in about a month and I am not even excited about it. Which automatically makes me feel like a horrible person. But I’m just in this state of depression and anxiety probably because the wedding is getting closer and closer and my ROCD is flaring up so bad during this time and it’s just not making what’s supposed to be the happiest time of my life very enjoyable. My fiance is amazing this has absolutely nothing to do with him. He also is working A TON of hours so I barely see him throughout the week. I feel just very alone and sad during a time I should be extremely happy and I just guess I want someone who understands to tell me I’ll be okay and make it through this.