My OCD has ruined my life so far. I am only 24 years old but it has completely overwhelmed me. Various treatments, medication, nothing works. It has robbed me of seeing my loved ones, family, friends, cost me a relationship, jobs, seeing my grandmother before she died. I am so tired of being a prisoner in my own head.
I know the struggle--not your exact situation of course but I can definitely relate. Keep trying to find something that works for you because that's what I had to do. It's hard to believe there's light at the end of the tunnel sometimes but there is. Treatments are frustrating because they need to be tailored to the individual. There's no one size fits all to this unfortunately. I've scared myself into believing that life will always be miserable and difficult but that's just not the case. New treatments are being discovered all the time. Btw, I'm in my 40s and have been afflicted for a long time but it DOES get better. You find ways to cope.
Yeah, by the time I was your age I had lost everything and everyone. Was all alone in the world. And the worst was that nobody knew back then about ocd. My family just hated me, people described me as weird or nuts because I changed and became very introverted,... it was so hard that I had to leave home, run away, just to save myself. I was backstabbed by my closest ones so many times, father tried to strangle me, they proclaimed me crazy and had two men and a doctor come unexpectedly to my home to put me in a straitjacket and forcefully take me to a mental hospital which they referred to as the nut house. I spoke to the doctor that came with them and she found no reason to forcefully take me anywhere. I confided in her about how my family treated me just because I didn't want visitors in the flat every single day all afternoon ( 2 bedroom apartment, 4 people, no peace to do school work, to learn. I was awake all nights long, because only then it was quiet and peaceful in my home) and because I wanted for my family to spend some more quality time together alone without other people. I resented other people, but it was not their fault. My ex mom and ex sister made sure that they were in our flat every day. The doctor told me that my plan to run away was the best thing for me to do and gave me her phone number in case they tormented me some more. She kept my plans a secret, but told my parents if they do anything to upset or hurt me I have her number and she will report their behavior to the authorities. I spent two more days at home and then left and never came back. Over 1/4 of a century ago. I somehow survived. No friends, no relatives, alone. I was hungry, starving for almost 2 years. Then I got a decent job and met my husband and it was better. But even after that, all years till now, ocd has been demolishing, wrecking my life from time to time. Medication saved my life. So, see dear. I understand you and feel your pain completely. But if I made it through with ocd and no money, nobody's support, in a city far away from home,.. you will too. I am sure. How can I be sure? Because in contrary to me, you have us, our support. We are here for you! You will make it. Love and hugs.
Not that it helps but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. OCD cost me my marriage and all that I’ve build the last 14 years. Just remember you’re strong, brave and you can do hard things. Don’t give up!
I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.
(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.
I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far in my life. OCD has had its claws in me since I was 7. I used to lay in bed and tell myself over and over “it’ll be gone when I’m older, it’ll be better” but it just got worse with age. I’m 25 now and I’ve lost so many years to this. Or to pretending to be someone else in order to avoid it all. I can’t say or do one thing without analyzing it to death. Everything is black and white when it comes to me and my own morality. I overcompensate by allowing everyone else around me to be gray. I don’t allow myself that same grace. I try, everyday. Sometimes I sit and look back on my life and just wonder why. And how. I carry every mistake I’ve made with me from day to day. It rules me, it owns me, and it chips away at the person I could have been without ocd. I mourn myself.
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