Breathe, breathe...

-TMI warning, but I have to get this out of my head- When will these shenanigans end? My cortisol is generally through the roof first thing when I wake up. I get a racing heart and high anxiety symptoms and my thoughts race like horses. This is not ideal for a person whose digestive system is regular when they wake up and has issues with bathroom contamination stuff, lately with solid waste. Every morning there seems to be an "issue". Today it has to do with a crumbly, loose bit of 'stuff' on the toilet paper near the end of wiping, after a couple clean passes. It happens. A 'normal' person might think, "ok, that's fine, it's gone off you and disposed of." I am positive I kept wiping after that to ensure cleanliness--otherwise I never would have stood and left--but of course brain is now doubting. When I stood to pull up my undies, of course brain goes, 'what if something else crumbly fell out/off of you and is now in your pj pants?'. Something like that has NEVER happened to me, that I can remember. I washed my hands and then shook them out in the tub. Some dark lint and maybe fuzz fell off--not the colour of my current 'stuff', so get out of here, doubt--I pulled up and went back to bed. Of course, brain goes, 'what if it didn't come off when you shook them out/was inside the pantleg and there's feces in your bed now? On your body pillow? Your shirt? Your plushie? You'll contaminate yourself again and again. You'll spread it through the house and make someone sick.' It's also saying, 'what if it's still in there and on your legs? You should shower. If you don't you're just making excuses by blaming your brain and being irresponsible.' I am so anxious I feel nauseous. I am resisting checking. I am not going to shower. I am not changing my bedding. I am not telling my mother to inform her what I am choosing to do--that's like confessing and a tactic to reduce anxiety I unfortunately give into often. It's fine, there's nothing to tell. (Besides, she has become quite annoyed with me doing so...) I have given into thoughts like this before and spiralled with showering, changing clothes and towels, etc, then when it was all over and I calmed down I could see how unnecessary all those "precautions" were. I refuse to do these things because of some inane doubt, because of what if questions. I was confident I was fine when I left the washroom. Brain pulls this with me so often and so far nothing has happened each time. (No, I don't think this is the exception!) This kind of thing makes me dread getting up in the morning. I think I made a mistake by shaking out my pants in the bathtub. That's basically checking. Wish me luck, folks...

S. L.

Date posted: 1y ago

I hear ya with the shirt. If I have to adjust my shirt I use my left pinkie. I agree 100% this is all utterly ridiculous, but I then question is it ridiculous? Maybe my mind is right? Hang in there too friend. Thanks for listening.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

You’ve got this! You’re catching it and that’s progress

S. L.

Date posted: 1y ago

@Honeyshark Thank you for your encouragement! :)

S. L.

Date posted: 1y ago

I understand how you feel. I used to take my clothes off before using the bathroom. I have gotten a little better with not taking off my clothes but still do it. I still don’t like to pull my pants up after 💩cause my mind tells me my hands are “dirty” and if I touch my clothes before washing then after I wash ‘what if’ I touch my clothes, I’ll contaminate my hands again and everything I touch will be contaminated. It’s an endless cycle.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 1y ago

Oh I'm there too. I got good at using one hand only to wipe and use the other to do my pants. I still avoid touching them, and if I have to adjust I use the hem of my shirt. I do, however, remove my shirt while 'doing the doo' because I don't want to deal with the mental circus that will inevitably follow. Right now the tracks have switched to constantly fearing that I've soiled myself after any little disturbance down in that area. And when I check, brain has the audacity to doubt when there's no stain and no stink! As if the waste could magically SKIP my undies somehow and only go onto my pants. If I don't check, well... you know how that goes. It's utterly ridiculous I am losing my mind one day at a time. Hang in there friend. Thanks for chatting.

Elliesmith

Date posted: 20w ago

Intrusive thoughts

I am starting to come to grips with intrusive thoughts, reading how your brain will think of the worst thing / or make you think of something that really distresses you. BUT, I’ve got something I need to get off my chest, not looking for reassurance but just to know I’m not alone I guess? I remember one time, I saw a girl I follow on Instagram go on a marathon, and then went straight out for dinner after without showering and I had the passing thought of, gosh she must smell, even worse, she must smell down there. That has got to be the worst intrusive thought EVER, and because it affected me so much, I have the urge to think of this horrible horrible thought most times I look at people. Wondering if they smell!!!! It’s disgusting!!!! :( I don’t know if this is because I also have contamination ocd and I do obsess about feeling and being clean.

sara_24

Date posted: 19w ago

Anxious about everything

Guys I need help. I feel so alone . Basically I have this compulsion where I feel the need to write everything but this stems from me being anxious about EVERYTHING. Like my mom came in my room and I was irritated and snapped, immediately regretted now I keep writing “don’t be mean to mom next time” but I keep thinking about it. Then I think about how I finally left my house today and all the surfaces I touched that could’ve been contaminated and now I’m writing “next time don’t touch this and this”. Then I think about all the things I need to be doing for this week and I’m writing “don’t forget to do this and this” even though I’ve written it 5 times already. This is what happens everyday btw. My brain always thinks about something I need to be doing and making me anxious that I’ll forget it which is why I write it down on my notes app. I’m sooo mentally exhausted I need help pls!! Anyone have any advice ? I used to think I need to stop the writing but really I need to stop the anxious thoughts coming into my head . People say I need to accept the thoughts and let it go but that’s too hard for me

nae nae

Date posted: 19w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

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