Struggling with existential OCD, feeling hopeless about recovery and therapy.

Vent

I’ve been feeling extremely depressed because of my existential OCD. Even when i think of recovery and therapy, i feel like “what point is there in going back to how it was, or finding joy in things” there are moments when I do get happy and in those moments a thought pops up like “what even is anything” “what is existence” or “is death even real” and i’m also getting intrusive thoughts regarding my own consciousness which also gets very weird. All of this is accompanied by dissociation and apocalyptic feelings. It’s been 2 months since my ocd relapse. I have gotten better but when i acknowledge my progress, once again i feel like there’s no point. these thoughts/ feelings don’t feel like OCD but as if i’ve discovered some truth of life and now nothing will be the same. I haven’t started ERP yet, my therapist and i are currently more focused on ACT, acceptance and commitment (which is often given along side ERP) I will start ERP soon but i think all i’ll be focusing on is how dumb it is, and i know it’s not but it feels like i’m convinced it isn’t gonna work. I know this is classic OCD but it feels like this. I also deal with hyperawareness ocd (thinking about thinking taking place) and it makes me feel like there’s somebody in my head when, it’s quite literally my own inner voice that i’m sort of producing (?) I feel like it wouldn’t let me focus during erp and it all just feels so hopeless. I’m a minor and my parents are against medication and they talk about it like it’s the worst thing in the world which has heightened my fear of meds. I’m so sad and done with all this

Username: taurisingtaurising

Date posted: 1y ago

during my recent flare up i also kept getting discouraging thoughts like “what even is the point of exercising/self-care, it won’t cure my OCD” but then i watched a video about how we should just do them anyway even if we don’t expect results, and tbh that helped me bc i see now that it was my ocd trying to get me not to do anything about it so even if you’re worried ERP might not work it’s worth to just give it a try also about the hyperawareness ocd i feel like i’m the same, i just didn’t know it had a name

Username: anonymous314anonymous314

Date posted: 1y ago

@taurising yes, im going to give it a try. I think i’m scared to feel good because i feel like (more like, i *know*) that the moment i feel good these thoughts will take over and make me feel depressed again so what’s the point. but thank u so much, you saying this gave me a bit of hope. also would u like to talk about hyperawareness ocd and what it’s like for u?

Username: taurisingtaurising

Date posted: 1y ago

@stutisharma all the best! yes wow that happens to me too. Even when my thoughts give me a break i kind of get anxious because it feels like more thoughts are gonna come back even stronger. sure thing, so lately my intrusive thoughts come with like head sensations? so everytime i feel like a very specific head sensation it triggers the intrusive thought + anxiety. And then i’m hyperaware of the sensation and the intrusive thought that i associate with it, it’s happening right now actually. how does yours work?

Username: anonymous314anonymous314

Date posted: 1y ago

@taurising that makes so much sense and i can relate. my intrusive thoughts definitely come with these weird feelings/ sensations in my head. It’s like there’s somebody in my head, who’s the opposite of me, like some higher power in my head, just saying this is causing me so anxiety, like i know that it’s just me being hyperaware but the feelings is so sticky and i get so frightened.

Username: anonymous314anonymous314

Date posted: 1y ago

@stutisharma *feeling

Username: anonymous314anonymous314

Date posted: 1y ago

@stutisharma it feels like i can’t even articulate it

Username: taurisingtaurising

Date posted: 1y ago

@stutisharma ohh maybe it’s the OCD making you scared of your own thoughts? ask your therapist it she probably knows how to explain it

Username: Clem.99Clem.99

Date posted: 1y ago

Two years ago i went through existential ocd exactly like this. For two months i was deep in it and the first month i cried legit 52 times, i kept track lol. It was hard to do anything at all and while i knew i had ocd and that existential ocd was a thing i refused to believe it was ocd because it felt so REAL. I'm not gonna lie and say i feel now back to normal like before the existential ocd, some things just change you. I wish I had known it was ocd back then and gone to therapy for it, but now, while it's honestly not really one of my ocd themes, i just try to make the best of it. Not sure if you believe in God but one of the things I'm trying is to reconnect with God (i grew up believing and then became basically atheist which i think might've set off the episode). I'm also making more of an effort to engage in life and spend time with friends and family. I don't worry so much or compulsively try to find the meaning of life, but i do still look up people's NDEs. That was a compulsion at first but i don't think it is anymore. It actually did help me a lot

Username: Ihateocd72Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

thank god that this is normal. I’ve had existential ocd thought Sasha result of my suicidal ocd, but they didn’t really start being like extremely depressing until yesterday and this morning. I feel like this is probably the worst theme because it makes it hard to get better or have motivation. I know any ocd thought or Intruisve thought can be helped, but with these ones it’s hard. And it’s like okay okay you always have an answer for the thoughts until ocd tries to tell you even that’s wrong. For example: I’m a Christian and that’s the only thing that gets me through sometimes and it even tried ruining that. It didn’t last for longer than 5 seconds because I believe no matter what but it’s hard.

Username: Ihateocd72Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Peaches1127 As a result* not Sasha lol

Username: TofuIndulger

Date posted: 1y ago

Stuck

Hey everyone. This is my first post here and it’s probably going to be a long one because I guess I feel comfortable enough to be open here. I need help. When I first got diagnosed with OCD, I figured it only impacted a small part of my life. I thought I was only affected with compulsions and obsessions that dealt with contamination, tangible perfectionism and the obvious intrusive thoughts and that’s it. Well, I’ve come to realize that most of my thinking has been impacted by OCD. At this point the only way to describe how it feels to me is a forest of thorny vines growing in place of my mind or maybe through and around my brain constantly growing every-time I give into this type of thinking (which is basically all the time because I wasn’t aware this was OCD). I’ve definitely felt it more recently, but I know it’s always been there from what I recall from past memories. I got diagnosed not so long ago with OCD and I was happy to because it explained this thing I knew was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much it will and has impacted me in the past. So, I think I’ve created a matrix in my mind or strengthened the OCD thought patterns because now I feel like my OCD impacts everything I do. And I guess I’m saying I need help here because maybe you guys will be able to see it, maybe validate me and point me where I can get help. I’ve been telling the people around me, I think my thinking is disordered and I need help but I don’t think they really understand the amount it’s affecting me or grasp what I meant when I say “I Need Help”. I did have a therapist before but because of a insurance change, she can’t work with me anymore and I’m not sure when I’ll get another (just to clarify). Back to the matter, the past couple of months I’ve been in my head just thinking and thinking. About everything. To the point where my head starts to hurt or until I feel sick of thinking about it but I can’t. I find that’s my obsessions and compulsions (other than the need for order [which can also be mental]) are very mentally based and I find myself ashamed of them so I hide them so maybe that’s why the people around me don’t feel my need for getting help as much as I do. Anyways, examples of this have been, -constantly thinking about what’s the purpose of all of life and the hidden messages in life -feeling like if I don’t do everything perfectly then what the point or being very mad at myself -being obsessed with how I present to the rest of the world sometimes even in close relationships -having calculated movements and actions (having to move my body a certain way or it doesn’t feel right) -obsessing over an absolute truth -questioning friendships and other relationships - obsessing over achievements or failures -obsessing over people -obsessing over decisions and outcomes because I want to make the perfect decisions I could go on and on but basically it’s just a lot of thinking and ruminating and obsessing to the point where people tell me I look like I’m some where else all the time. And I’ve started to feel like I find comfort in it now. I’m also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I feel like it’s all just OCD. And same goes for my dissociation. I feel like they all root from my OCD. I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time and without my therapist I feel like I’m stuck here. I can’t make decisions, I’m never present, I can’t make or keep friendships/ relationships, everything impacts me deeply because I create a emotional obsession to it, I can’t just be without questioning everything and I’m constantly in my head. I’ve also started getting high all the time because I feel like it’s the only way to escape my brain but I’ve felt like it’s getting out of hand. I’m starting to lose in any type of hope of getting better. Does anyone have an advice for working on OCD by yourself or identifying when it’s OCD (especially mental obsessions and compulsions) so I can start to chip at this boulder that’s weighing down my life and energy?

Username: Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Existential OCD

Why is OCD so confusing? My obsessions upset me so much because the truth about them is quite concerning and depressing to me. So how is treating OCD going to help me when it feels like a REAL problem to me. What if I am never able to accept the uncertainty of my issues. It doesn’t even feel like an OCD problem to me…it feels like a reality problem. I’m not happy with reality and the truths about existence, so of course it’s going to make me sad. I guess it’s just my own mind though. My concerns and thoughts are REAL. If I could go back to not thinking about these certain things, my whole perception on life, myself, reality as a whole would be fine. I feel like people tell me it’s OCD but I don’t agree..yet I don’t actually know what the real problem is. What if I can’t accept reality? It’s such a terrifying feeling to have. I feel so crazy.

Username: a.non2

Date posted: 1y ago

numbness

I got diagnosed with OCD a few months ago after getting plagued with intrusive thoughts last November. It’s been present in my life since I was younger but didn’t become truly debilitating until last November. I’ve been in therapy since May, and I started an SSRI. I’m a Christian, and I’ve struggled a lot with my faith since this started. I’ve had a hard time with ERP because I fear it’s not going to help and actually make things worse. I have also had a lot of emotional turmoil from family trauma and marriage issues. I’ve become so hopeless and numb and desensitized that I don’t know how to continue forward. I don’t feel like I’m able to talk to anyone about it because it’s taboo, so I feel like a fraud and like I don’t deserve to do things I enjoy or hang out with people I love. I do want to get better but I also have a fear that I don’t actually want to. I feel like my whole life is ruined and that I’ll never enjoy living again.

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Struggling with existential OCD, feeling hopeless about recovery and therapy.

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