- Date posted
- 2y
My mind has been tormenting me for months
I recently had a son, exactly 3 months ago actually, and it has been genuinely a torturous experience. I used to be so excited for him to come into this world, I was excited to be a parent. I used to be a very happy person as well, I never lost my temper, and I don't know how to explain it other than I was just so happy, happy for my life and spending time with those I loved, hopefull for my future. Around October though I started smoking cannabis daily, and it was very, very bad. I smoked around 4 grams a day (no I'm not joking, I wasted all of my money on it) and I became a very spiteful and genuinely angry and aggressive person. I have hallucinated more than once and fell into very surreal delusions even when I wasn't under the influence All my life was about was smoking, I didn't really care about anything else. A few days before my son was born though I got extremely anxious and scared that I might accidentally drop him, or hurt him accidentally. I feel like I was also just unhappy because I knew I wouldn't be able to spend my time high 24/7 I cut smoking out of my life completely and I was genuinely so happy to be a father, to be there for my fiance, I felt happy, but after getting home, I smoked again and I had unbelievably bad thoughts that someone was going to hurt me or I'd hurt someone else. I was so scared and I swore I'd never smoke again Since then I've been wanting to be a good finance, I've been wanting to be a good father as well, but I've been getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and it happens nearly 24/7 they are about most of my loved ones and even random people and it just scares me, I used to cry because I thought I was going insane or I was a danger. Everytime these thoughts happen I get unbelievably anxious, I get tight in my chest, and I can't help but try to fight them, but when I fight them, the thoughts linger or worsen and Its just a nasty cycle. My fiance and therapist think I have harm OCD, and a potential cannabis psychosis and it's just so debilitating. I get stressed everytime I see any sharp objects whether it's scissors, knives, even sharp tables, genuinely anything, I get paranoid everytime I watch anything like cartoons, or certain designs because I'm scared it'll make me go insane or freak out. Almost All the music I listen to freaks me out as well. I used to be very interested in history, especially military history and war movies, video games, etc, but everytime I see footage or these movies, weapons etc I get unbelievably stressed And anxious, and paranoid it'll just make me snap. I tell myself it's irrational and I don't want to do these things, which I genuinely don't want to do. But it's like my mind tells me other wise or the images get worse. I've been trying to spend more time with my family, with my son, but it feels so scary, I've been trying to ask for reassurance less because it's been putting a lot of tension on my relationship and our families. It's just miserable, I can't do the things I used to love doing, I can't listen to the music I love, I can't spend time with loved ones without these thoughts and it's just so horrible to live through, I don't know what to really do anymore, I'm trying my best. I want to be able to be the person I used to be, and I just feel like I'll never be this way again