My mind has been tormenting me for months

I recently had a son, exactly 3 months ago actually, and it has been genuinely a torturous experience. I used to be so excited for him to come into this world, I was excited to be a parent. I used to be a very happy person as well, I never lost my temper, and I don't know how to explain it other than I was just so happy, happy for my life and spending time with those I loved, hopefull for my future. Around October though I started smoking cannabis daily, and it was very, very bad. I smoked around 4 grams a day (no I'm not joking, I wasted all of my money on it) and I became a very spiteful and genuinely angry and aggressive person. I have hallucinated more than once and fell into very surreal delusions even when I wasn't under the influence All my life was about was smoking, I didn't really care about anything else. A few days before my son was born though I got extremely anxious and scared that I might accidentally drop him, or hurt him accidentally. I feel like I was also just unhappy because I knew I wouldn't be able to spend my time high 24/7 I cut smoking out of my life completely and I was genuinely so happy to be a father, to be there for my fiance, I felt happy, but after getting home, I smoked again and I had unbelievably bad thoughts that someone was going to hurt me or I'd hurt someone else. I was so scared and I swore I'd never smoke again Since then I've been wanting to be a good finance, I've been wanting to be a good father as well, but I've been getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and it happens nearly 24/7 they are about most of my loved ones and even random people and it just scares me, I used to cry because I thought I was going insane or I was a danger. Everytime these thoughts happen I get unbelievably anxious, I get tight in my chest, and I can't help but try to fight them, but when I fight them, the thoughts linger or worsen and Its just a nasty cycle. My fiance and therapist think I have harm OCD, and a potential cannabis psychosis and it's just so debilitating. I get stressed everytime I see any sharp objects whether it's scissors, knives, even sharp tables, genuinely anything, I get paranoid everytime I watch anything like cartoons, or certain designs because I'm scared it'll make me go insane or freak out. Almost All the music I listen to freaks me out as well. I used to be very interested in history, especially military history and war movies, video games, etc, but everytime I see footage or these movies, weapons etc I get unbelievably stressed And anxious, and paranoid it'll just make me snap. I tell myself it's irrational and I don't want to do these things, which I genuinely don't want to do. But it's like my mind tells me other wise or the images get worse. I've been trying to spend more time with my family, with my son, but it feels so scary, I've been trying to ask for reassurance less because it's been putting a lot of tension on my relationship and our families. It's just miserable, I can't do the things I used to love doing, I can't listen to the music I love, I can't spend time with loved ones without these thoughts and it's just so horrible to live through, I don't know what to really do anymore, I'm trying my best. I want to be able to be the person I used to be, and I just feel like I'll never be this way again

[Deleted]

Date posted: 2y

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ZiggyChino

Date posted: 2y

When I was under the influence I would genuinely either hear things so distorted I couldn't make it out, or hear things like songs and genuinely think they would somehow attack me, or just plainly hear things that weren't there, but that was rarer. when I looked around I'd see like dark figures in the windows or be paranoid I seen someone in a mirror, constant depersonalization as well. I don't think this would be a hallucination but I'd almost constant have like arguments in my own head, like one side of my head wanted to do one thing and the other wanted to do another. Now that I'm sober I'm always scared of hallucinating, or at least just being as paranoid of things like I used to be. Now, that I don't smoke anymore, I always have sort of grainyish vision, just a lot of small colors and stuff all over the place, especially in dark areas, but that I think is normalish, it used to happen when I was extremely tired. I depersonalize daily and it usually lasts like 10-20 minutes, and it's very scary. And for hallucinations, I genuinely can't tell if it's my thoughts or if I'm actually seeing/hearing it. I'll glance one direction and can swear I see something like moving around, and then I look again and everything is still Yesterday I was looking at a wall in a darkish room and I could swear I seen like kittens on the wall, and I can't tell if I actually seen it or not, it felt really intense in the moment but I don't know if it was just a thought or if I genuinely seen it

laladracu

Date posted: 22w

OCD is through the roof

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

Harm OCD

Sunflowerr444

Date posted: 12w

**talks about SA**

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

reallyReally...

Date posted: 6w

i cannot stop trying to heal actual trauma

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small

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My mind has been tormenting me for months

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