It’s a tough night :(

This started happening to me in 2022 and it's gotten okay but it's still bothering me a lot. I to do erp when I get the thoughts but it really just feels like confirmation. Here's the thing the idea ALONE that I could be anything other than straight even if it is as tiny as .001% makes me feel awful because I know that the idea of being with another woman is just not for me. But the thoughts and goinals keep coming and I'm at a loss. It's just know that being with my man feels right but these thoughts are starting to affect that. I just feel so lost.

I know I need therapy. I have a flare up every three months that rocks my world— it’s been like this for four years. I’m just too scared. I’m too scared to have a therapist tell me I’m a lesbian. I’m too scared to do ERP and have it not work because it wasn’t actually OCD. I’m too scared for the ERP to work and me finally feel comfortable with being bisexual or a lesbian. I don’t want any of that to happen. I don’t understand how I can get over this and still be straight. I’m petrified at the thought of therapy, but what is going to happen to me?

Does anyone else with SO-OCD struggle with imagining a future partner and checking feelings? That’s been my biggest compulsion, and now I feel like I don’t want to end up with a man someday, or that if I do I’ll feel sad or lonely. I’m also sitting here imagining being with women and I can’t tell if I like the sexual thoughts or not anymore, or if my negative reactions mean anything. My face scrunches and I feel anxious and my temperature rises. I’ve been off this app for a couple weeks but still feeling anxiety pretty steadily. I keep imagining the future and getting this feeling and voice that I’m gay and I need to come out to everyone. It’s distressing and I don’t feel like myself anymore